OnTheFireEscape

A strange exercise in narration.

The boy next door wears shorts that used to be pants until his mother cut them off at a funny angle. He spends his times sitting on the back porch pulling the strings and trying to even them out. They’re getting kind of short now but I like to sit and watch him from my tree house window. He’s so pale sometimes I can’t tell wear the white strings of his shorts stop and his chicken legs start. Maybe its all just one. Maybe he’s unraveling his wholeself. That’s why I keep watching from my tree house, waiting for the day when he unravels himself all the way up to his hair. Its blonde like I wanted mine to be but it looks like his mother might have cut his hair the same way she cut his pants, it sticks out in odd places and sometimes I try and find shapes in it the way I find shapes in the clouds when its sunny out. Most of the days the only shape the clouds make is a giant blanket covering the whole sky. But on those days when the sun peaks through and burns all the moisture out of the air like Mrs. Sumner was describing last year when I wasn’t really paying attention, and there’s just those few pieces left strewn across the sky like the leftovers of cotton candy that little kids drop on the ground before it gets stuck to people’s shoes and that’s why you’re not allowed to have bare feet at the carnival, then there’s shapes. I saw a dinosaur up there once. I haven’t seen anything nearly as interesting in the boy next door’s hair. But even though all I’ve seen is the Swiss Alps in his ugly hair cut, one day he may just completely unravel, and I’ll be the first one to see it. I’ll be the only one to see it! I’ll get to hold up that big string ball of boy on the news and tell them that yes, this was the boy that lived next door. I’ll get a job at the news station and get to be on TV. My mother will wonder just where on earth I’ve gone to until she flips on the evening news and sees me there. Oh will she be proud if only this boy will just unravel already.

Scratches

Aw. I liked this. To the extent that I'm utterly unhelpful. I'm sorry. There were a few typos (apostropheless itses and "wholeself") but that's all I can think of right now. Good stuff!

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Never get so attached to a poem
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and never draw so close to the heat
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LoneWolf

I liked this as well. It had an air of innocence. I couldn't find anything really big as well, except "ews" should be "news". That's about it...very well written. Nice job!

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Chris Miller

Agree with the others. Great stuff.

"wear" = "where" and a few other little mistakes, but not even sure they are unintentional.

You have some real talent.

Poetic.

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the fairwriting blogs


"Almost brilliant."
My most recent peer review!

FollowingShadow

I believe this fits perfectly the definition of "prose". Well done.

I know this was an exercise for you but I think it could be something better. Here's what I think:

Descriptions were well placed, I just feel they could be fleshed out. Make them deeper, more... flavorful. They are the best part of the narration, make them stick in people's minds.

Good finish, I like how you brought the piece full circle. Typos and other grammatical mistakes are there because you wrote this on paper and typed it up here. Am I right?

-FS

TsuTseQ

Have you read Frank McCourt's books? He wrote Angela's Ashes and 'Tis.

You have a style that is similar to his. I think you might enjoy them.

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gohn67

Hmm, I wish I could be of some help. But I just wanted to stop by and say that I liked this also. Although not as much as your other piece.

I really liked the narration style. I liked the control of language.

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The Frowning Dog Blog