my first story - Writers Forum

outbaksean · 08-09-2005, 02:59 PM

*updated*
Untitled (Name of Sword)
Part1
Hero ducked behind a boulder as fire spewed over his head, singing his hair. Risking a look over the boulder, Hero saw the mammoth fire-breathing dragon walking slowly toward him, each step like thunder. Its belly was the size of a truck, covered with thick red scales. Hero decided that his only option was to charge the beast head on, guessing that the scales covering the rest of his body were as thick as armor. As he was about to charge he heard a voice say, “She’ll kill you if you just charge straight at her, her weakness is her tail.”

Hero quickly looked around saying, “Who said that.”

“Hi. I’m bob, your sword. I’ll be helping you while you’re here in mars, but no time for introductions, that pesky dragon is getting closer.”

“You can talk”, Hero said incredulously.

“I can do a lot more than that. Now, when she gets ready to breathe more flame just go around those trees and get on her tail, I’ll chop it off. Without her tail she’s completely powerless.”

Before Hero had a chance to reply he heard a great sucking sound and saw the dragon barely 30 yards away getting ready to incinerate him. He sprinted for the trees sword in hand and was followed closely stream of fire urging him to run faster. He quickly realized that he could never get to the tail this way. Suddenly he lost control of his body. It felt like he was a puppet being controlled from elsewhere. He was now running incredibly faster toward the dragons tail, he ceased to notice any fire. he saw himself jump onto the dragons tail, which was as thick as a tree, and with one swipe of bob at the base of the tail it fell to the ground and rest of the dragon vanished.

Now with control over his body, Hero fell to the ground exhausted. "Finally!" exclaimed bob, "you're probably wondering why you were brought here."...

the names will be changed and i dont have a title yet

Taz · 08-09-2005, 07:30 PM

My only criticism is that it doesnt flow and connect propally it could do with a bit of re wording but the overall concept was great and great for your first story

outbaksean · 08-09-2005, 08:58 PM

thx taz

ill probably post another part tommorrow

bmroyer · 08-09-2005, 09:41 PM

Quote:

Its belly was the size of a truck,

I think you should change the word "truck" to something else. I'm not sure what, but it sounds like you have a different landscape, obviously because its Mars, maybe like a crater or something. I don't think "truck" fits with the story. Overall pretty good, I would like to read more.

bmroyer · 08-09-2005, 09:41 PM

~sorry double post

outbaksean · 08-10-2005, 08:30 AM

Now with control over his body, Hero fell to the ground exhausted. "Finally!" exclaimed bob, "you're probably wondering why you were brought here."

Hero was lying on the ground, still trying to catch his breath. “Okay”, deep breathe, “why am I here.”

“I’m glad you asked,” said bob. “It’s actually a long story, but in short you have been chosen to save the barsoom civilization.”

Hero got up and started to pace around where the dragon had been just minutes before, still clutching bob tightly. “Why me?” Hero asked with his mind now buzzing with new information.

“Because, you’re already know all about barsoom, you’ve even met one. Not many men can say that.”

Hero opened his mouth to speak then closed it. A thought came into his head. Suddenly it hit him like a ton of bricks. His thoughts went back to two years ago, the day after his twenty first birthday. That had been a party night, and he had never remembered exactly what had happened, but he woke up the next day with a 35 book encyclopedia, every page of every book was bland, but he was urged to “read” everyone that day. But how could he have learned anything from that.

“Those books put information on the subconscious level. No need cluttering up your mind with all of that information. When you need any of it, you will have it.”

Apparently it can read my mind, thought hero. “Yup. And I’m a he not an it”

“Oh, alright”, mumbled Hero, “Where do we go now. To slay another dragon?” said Hero grinning.

“You tell me”

“We go to allibra, barsoom capital.” Said Hero, now downright peppy.

Hero suddenly found himself outside a massive gate to the beautiful city of allibra. Bob in his hand and a dragon’s tail lying next to him he knew that this was the start of a great adventure.

seraphserpent · 08-15-2005, 08:23 PM

for a first story, this isn't bad. There are a few things you can work on.

I think things are happening too fast. If this is really meant to be a short story, it seems to me like you've got too much of a plot. I cringe saying too much plot, but short stories should have short, too the point plots. I'm not sure a short story would do justice to the adventure you're cooking. That said, I have to say there are too many suddenly's. Make things less convienient for Hero.

I'm not sure what else I can say. I liked the idea. I'm a fantasy fan myself.

You know what would be funny, though? You should make your sword female. I would find it highly amusing if the sword had a painfully feminine personallity.

Keep working, write lots, and good luck