Randatos

This is a story I sort of rushed to post here, and see what you all think. My normal writings are generally much longer, and much better written. Enjoy. (If you can)




She had been all Ellias could think about ever since he had caught a glimpse of her that one time Master Shoran had taken him into the village. She was taller the Ellias, and had a radiating beauty. It had only been a glimpse, for Ellias only had a few moments before his old master wisked him into a nearby shop. Ellias didn't know what it was about her. He had seen other girls that looked just as good, some better even. Ellias could not wait for the day that his master would again take him into the city.

And that day would be soon. The next day, infact. Ellias could not wait for the days training to complete. When it was finally over, Ellias filled the tub with warm water. He slapped the bucket onto the grass, stripped, and dipped into the water. It was warm and soothing.

"Come now, lad, it's only a trip to the city," said Master Shoran's voice from over Ellias' shoulder.

Ellias did not speak.

"It's that one girl, isn't it," Shoran said. He always knew. Was he psycic?

Ellias nodded, and grabbed the soap. He expected Shoran to give some longwinded speech of how thinking of a female would cause him to lose sight og his goal, and thus detract from his learning or something. It didn't come.

Shoran simply sighed, and scratched his leg with the staff he was always carrying around with him. "Just don't waste the soap," he said, and walked off for his room.

When Ellias was cleaned, he next cleaned his training clothing. His normally dark blue tunic was almost brown.

Finally he was cleaned, his outfit was spotless, and his money was collected into a small pouch. It wasn't much, a mear 2 silvers, but it was enough to buy a small trinket to give to the girl if he saw her again. Ellias layed down on top of his matress, and pulled the sheet over him, and slept.

- - -

Yet again Master Shoran had wisked Ellias into a store before the young apprentice had had a chance to actually meet the girl. He had seen her, felt the same dazzling chill, and his obsession with meeting her doubled.

They were in an apothecary. Shoran was probably buying more supplies for several of his magical incantations. Ellias knew one day he would be tought the arts of the arcane, but at the moment he didn't know nor care about Shoran's supply of powdered Kiln Root. Ellias cared about the girl. "Master," Ellias said questly when there was a break in Shoran and the vendor's conversation.

Shoran turned his head. "Yes, Ellias?"

"I've been saving my money for a while now, and I'd be interested in seeing if there is anything I can buy." Ellias raised his wallet slightly to show Shoran.

There was a glint in Shorans eye as he said, "Very well, my son, but make sure you meet me at the fountain before dark."

Ellias nodded, and walked briskly out of the shop.

When he exited his stomach jumped up into his throat. There she was. The girl that had plauged his dreams the previous night. She was standing before a vendor's cart, looking at what Ellias guessed to be jewelry.

And standing behind her was a man holding a dagger. He was like lighting. He lept towards the girl, and place the dagger firmly on her throat. Ellias ran forward a step, but the mugger saw him, and grinned maliciously. "Anyone make a move, and this girly gets it." The mugger stuck out his tongue and licked the girl's cheek.

"Now, everyone drop their money in that large urn over there-" he indicated it with a jerk of his head "-or she loses her head. Got it?"

No one moved.

"Fine then, have it your way!"

Ellias could do nothing. He saw the mugger's arm tense, but just as the girl was about to be killed, she kicked into the man's shin, and flung him over facefirst into the pavement. She ran in Ellias' direction. The mugger was not far behind her.

Ellias reached behind him, pulled the wooden training sword Shoran had given him, and braced it before him. The young man extended the sword to his enemy, hitting him hard in the gut. The mugger, had not even noticed Ellias' presense, and was unaware when the blow hit him.

However he recovered almost instantly, and the two fought for a few moment's before the mugger's superior abilities won out. Ellias was now pinned against the wall, dagger to his throat and sword several feet away, knocked out of his grasp by a devious kick. Let Shoran come, he thought hopefully.

Shoran did not arrive.

However, he did recieve aid from the most unexpected source. The girl, finally regaining her wits to her, held her hands before her, palms facing the mugger. She seemed to be muttering soemthing. A ball of light apeared in her hand, which she threw full force at the mugger.

When the ball collided with the mugger, he erupted into a burst of flame. He died screaming in pain.

Ellias' eyes were wide open. He now noticed the slight point in the girls ears. He now realized what she had done.

She was an elf - a breed of people not allowed in the city. She had casted magic - an illegal act in all of Aldere.

Chris Miller

I think it looks like you are right. It looks like you rushed to post it. Why? We aren't going anywhere. There are numerous grammatical errors and typos.

Take your 2nd sentence:
Obvious wrong word.

If it looks like the author could not be bothered to read it, it may be hard for others as well.

Take your first sentence:
Technically, it is legal. But the most important thing you can do in the first sentence is try to get the reader to read the next one. This sentence is too awkward. It is in the past perfect tense, which is a chancy way to begin. It should be two or three concise sentence, each one begging the next. "Elias had only caught a glimpse of her. [maybe some brief description of her here] Now she was all he could think about." I think it is a common mistake (I make it too.) to try to do too much in the first sentence, to try too hard with it. It is probably less important to show readers that you can write in the first sentence than it is not to show them that you can't.

Actionwise, take care with too much happy coincidence. The fortuitous timing of her mugging seemed contrived, too convenient.

All this aside, you have a good idea for a plot, sort of Romeo and Juliette in elfland. It has potential.

(Keep in mind that these are just the opinions of one guy in a shitty mood because he is in the middle of painting the bathroom.)

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html