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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 08-06-2005, 01:37 PM   #1
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vprndsg
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Deja Vu

This is only the first two pages, but I would like to know what you guys thought of it so far.


Deja-vu



He stared at his toothbrush lying next to the sink. Picked it up and felt its bristles, feeling for wetness. He couldn’t tell whether the bristles were wet, or his hands. He rubbed is tongue against his teeth to see if they were clean, he couldn’t tell with certainty. He pounded on his head, “Damn it!” he screamed. He picked up the toothbrush and brushed his teeth, again.
Things like this always happened and it was normal, that’s what he thought at least. It happened to most people, right? However, it started happening a lot more in recent times and he was sure that WASN’T normal.
He put his toothbrush back after he brushed his teeth for the second (what he believed was his first) time, letting out a heavy sigh. He leaned into the water spot infested bathroom mirror, pulled his eyelids down “What’s going on in there David” he asked the reflection looking back at him. His voice quivered in fear, fear of the madness he saw in his eyes.
David went to bed tired and weary. His days have become long and his night filled with restless sleep. He used to be the kind of man who didn’t dream, and at work kept to his business never getting distracted. He DIDN’T want any distractions. All he asked for in life was simplicity. He was the type of man who avoided complications.
That all changed a few months ago on a business trip to Alaska. David had never been to Alaska however his first step off the plane seemed eerily familiar. That’s when his complications started, when his dreamless nights turned into vivid accounts. More specifically it first struck him when while in Alaska in the old fishing town, he walked into his motel for the first time. The Deja-vu struck him hard. It freaked him out because he had the feeling that not only has he been here, but he has already experienced all of this. He felt as if his business should already be finished and done, because has already been in this motel for this exact same reason.
It wasn’t shortly after the Deja-vu started that his forgetfulness started. He started forgetting simple things, what seemed as habit and routine he didn’t know if he was doing it anymore. Things like dinner, he started eating twice because he forgot he already ate.
David forgot half his life and experienced the other half twice. And it got worse every minute.

David found him self in his office in front of his desk the next morning. He stared blankly at his computer; he found it hard to concentrate on work anymore. He didn’t even know what his current project was.
“Hey Dave” said a head poking in from the door.
“Huh? Said David in bewilderment, “Yes? What?”
“Whats the matter man, you look out of it”
“oh, Ryan. Its you. I’m fine”
“you don’t look well man, you should go home and get some rest”
“to tell you the truth, I don’t even remember coming to work today”
“haha, yeah…ive been there before”
“not like this” david mumbled under his breath
“what was that??”
“oh nothing, thanks for the concern. But I need to get back to work”
Ryan hesitated then walked away.

David sat as his desk looking around his office the placement of the desk, pens pencils, stapler, and the specific view out his window. This all looks familiar. He felt like an idiot, of course it looks familiar he’s been working here for 7 years. But something wasn’t right, something was slightly off. As this thought crossed his mind a chill went up his spine and he freaked out. David rapidly got out his chair pushing it back causing it tip over, the sudden crash made him jump. His nerves were at edge.
He retraced the steps he never took, he was looking for something he was supposed to see. Something he memory says he has seen but he knows he hasn’t.
It was 95 degrees in the late summer heat and the Odyssey Marketing Corporation building had poor A/C. Yet, David was shivering. He walked over the windows, which the blinds were drawn but spread open to let fresh sunlight poor in through the cracks making lighted stripes cross over the office room. David pulled them open slowing letting the heat and light poor in. David has to squint his eyes and shield them from the sun. After his eyes adjusted and weren’t so blinded He could make out a newly put up sign across the street propped up on a billboard.
Go with the Flow in big bold letters was typed on the sign and underneath it in smaller almost illegible type was flow.org
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Old 08-06-2005, 02:22 PM   #2
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First off, there is an inexcusable ammount of grammar and spelling errors in this. Things that would most likely have been caught in MSword. Things like:
Quote:
“oh, Ryan. Its you. I’m fine”
“you don’t look well man, you should go home and get some rest”
and then some weird word misplacements like:
Quote:
He walked over the windows, which the blinds were drawn but spread open to let fresh sunlight poor in through the cracks making lighted stripes cross over the office room.
pour

The story itself was fine; in fact I think it's pretty good. It's just the grammar mistakes that make me think you simply typed this into the submit box rather than doing it on MSword first (or maybe you had to use notepad) are holding it down.
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Old 08-06-2005, 03:35 PM   #3
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vprndsg
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yeah, first draft and all - im not worrying or thinking about grammer.
Its not my forte.

Im just asking about the story, and set up and things like that.

Im glad to hear you like the story
__________________
I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.

-Ferris Bueller's Day Off
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