The Devils in the Details - Writers Forum

eggo · 08-05-2005, 07:47 PM

removed

Wyndstar · 08-05-2005, 08:12 PM

eggo, you and I are going to hell someday, you know that, right?

Satan has a listing of writers who make him look bad, I'm sure...

Yeah, okay, there were some mistakes, I don't give a bloody damn. Your ex wife was the mother of my children's genetic donor if Satan wouldn't take her. This was a freakin' riot.

I used to live in Boston. Transylvania via Logan is NOT inconcievable, it was routine. That, and that new damn underground transit system which probably leads to hell if you keep following it...

Destany · 08-05-2005, 08:52 PM

Some parts of this made me laugh out loud. It was very entertaining. But I think you could do well to let up on the jokes just a little bit. But only a little!

As Wyndstar said, there are some mistakes, a good edit would fix.

eggo · 08-06-2005, 10:23 AM

Thanks Wyndstar,

I sat trying to figure what would make Satan give up. The answer was easy, another Satan.

Quote:

eggo, you and I are going to hell someday, you know that, right?

Cool, thats another person i'll know on the bus!
Hi Destany,

I wrote this as a vehicle for my brand of humor. Sorry if I went over the top with you, but at least you got some good laughs.

Ilan Bouchard · 08-06-2005, 10:55 AM

eggo,

There were several grammatical problems, as well as several problems with the sentence structure.

But it was funny as... hell... regardless. 'Twas very fun to read, and the idea that someone uses their wish to fuck Satan over is funny as well. That's probably what I would do.

Anyways, I think it'd be in your best interest to polish up the grammar, but the content is supreme.

Cheers.

eggo · 08-06-2005, 09:30 PM

Thanks Ilan,

The funnier I try to write a story the more my grammatics suffer and I can't figure out why. Re-read this thing five times and I couldn't find anything. Maybe its because i am the worst joke teller on the planet.

I thinks its like " Paris in the Spring" the triangle that actually says " Paris in the in the Spring" . You can stare right at the problem and still not see it. Enough of my whining.

I'm glad you got some laughs Ilan,

Cheers

Chris Miller · 08-07-2005, 07:24 AM

Hey eggo:

Read it twice. Funny both times. First the edits/crits:

Quote:

Airport people don’t have any concept of time and distance.

“Airport personnel” sounds better to me.

Quote:

I was worried than when he talked something would break off and I would get blamed.

"than=that"

Quote:

It was the kind of road you wonder about taking and wouldn’t be surprise to find out God dropped his paintbrush and went home early.

Like the description!
surprise=surprised

Quote:

She laughed, “ It’s nice to meet someone with a sense of humor.”

What you said was funny. But you shouldn’t laugh at your own jokes. It neutralizes their impact.

Quote:

“We are having a bit of party perhaps you would join my Master and I.”

Missing words and punctuation.
“…my Master and me.” (Take out “My master and” and you can see this more easily.)

Quote:

“I always thought it would be great to have a minion. Just the name is cool. Don’t worry about raking the lawn; I have my minion do it. Damn it officer, I told my minion to have the car registration renewed. Definite possibilities, but how the hell do you get one? I don’t suppose you took an ad in the newspaper?
Minion wanted, apply now!”

Stan leaned his head back and laughed, “ No, people owe me favors and they have to pay me back.”

Again, the first is funny, real funny. But you shouldn’t laugh (even via your character) at it. You then come across as patting yourself on the back or as having tried too hard.

Quote:

“ No, I am the stealers of souls…”

stealer

Quote:

“ I get it, you’re a lawyer.”

He laughed, “ No, I‘m much more. ”

Won’t keep belaboring this. Don’t laugh at your own jokes. Again, very funny, until you do.

Quote:

I was thinking as fast as I could, “ What if I don’t play? Pick up my marbles and go home?”

“ Not that easy,” Satan replied, “ then we just take your soul and that’s that. Your soul is perfectly in balance, so all I have to do is tilt the balance a bit and upstairs won’t claim you.”

This is the only plot hole I found, or at least didn’t get. How does his walking tip the scale? If Satan can do it at will anyway, why the charade?

Anyway, this was a very cute (as opposed to dark) funny tale. If you are going to wisecrack so much (and no reason you shouldn’t) you have to remain droll, and your characters have to play the straight men, don’t let them wisecrack too. Everyone has to keep a straight face.

The piece has potential. Funny, with some good description. I liked the ending even though it was kind of abrupt and unforeseeable. And I loved the car!

Chris

eggo · 08-07-2005, 08:26 PM

Hey Chris,

Glad you liked it, I had a great time writing it.

Quote:

Read it twice. Funny both times.

It does drop off a bit after the sixth time.

Quote:

“Airport personnel” sounds better to me.

I specifically choose " Airport People" trying to show them all as a different bred of human one step beyond our own time /space gig.

I see what you mean about the laughter thing and in some cases it warranted. I think that when it's the natural thing for a character to laugh at something they feel as though is funny, it would be disjointed to have them not laugh.

As with Noreen when they first meet. She laughs because she interested in him and finds what he says funny.

The part later on with Stan(Satan) you were spot on. It would have been better to have the Redman play straightman.

Plot wise don't lose any sleep over it. His was a soul they find once a year as part of their celebration. The whole trick of it was that the wish the devil supplied, when used for a self-serving purpose was enough to push the "contestants" soul into the Black, as they say. Or the wish can be bent that way by interpretation.

If he walked away and was killed, he had a fifty-fifty chance that he go one way or another. The Devil most certainly was lieing. The problem with that is that he would be 100 percent dead.

By playing the game he knew that number one he wish wasn't self-serving and he might get out alive. Well worth the shot. Why did the Devil play? It was part of his followers celebration and a major part of the festivities. No Satan likes to be the wet blanket.

Thanks for reading and the crit.

awesome_possum · 08-08-2005, 12:08 AM

I liked this a lot. It was very funny. I even laughed out loud on some parts

. However, some things wern't to clear. I believe most of that was do to grammatical errors. Those shouldn't be to hard to fix though. The humor was great so no worries!

-possum

Chris Miller · 08-08-2005, 09:16 AM

Hey eggo;

I think you are right about the "airport people" thing. My suggestion is out of voice too. Making notes while I read sometimes causes me to jump the gun.

But as far as the "laughed" thing with the woman goes, I guess we can just disagree a little. I know what you are saying though. You could be right again.

Quote:

The whole trick of it was that the wish the devil supplied, when used for a self-serving purpose was enough to push the "contestants" soul into the Black, as they say.

I didn't pick up on this fairly profound notion during my reads. And even on another reread of the small section relating to it I couldn't see it. It still reads confusing for me. This is the sentence that has me scratching my head:

Quote:

“ So, it’s either take my wish and you get my soul for all eternity or don’t take my wish and you get my soul.”

"So either way, I lose," would be less confusing, although I still wouldn't know why this was true.

Just my simpleminded opinion. Still a great little story no matter what.

Chris

eggo · 08-08-2005, 07:51 PM

Thanks Possum,

My humor can be a bit over the top sometimes and I'm glad you liked it. Sometimes things that are clear to me in my bent mind, are about as clear as a can of paint to everyone else. I'll keep working on my crappy communication skills.

Chris,

Thanks for the reply. Hearing that I may have been right twice in a row has caused the universe to tilt ever so slightly. I have to be patently wrong somewhere else to fix it. Shouldn't be a problem.

One last note on the plot before the story worms its way into the bottom pages, In my reply I wrote;

Quote:

If he walked away and was killed, he had a fifty-fifty chance that he go one way or another.

I meant to write, " if he walked away He [b]would[/]be killed."

The rest of what I wrote was all internalized by the hero. In re-write I might bring some of that out.

Thanks again,

Pete

Danny77 · 08-09-2005, 10:50 PM

me likes!

I would suggest taking out the last two sentences. They dont really do anything, and ending it on a joke would be much better...atleast to me.

eggo · 08-09-2005, 11:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny77

me likes!

I would suggest taking out the last two sentences. They dont really do anything, and ending it on a joke would be much better...atleast to me.

That because you've never seen a 1976 AMC pacer,

PACER

Feast you eyes on this glorious mechanized beast !

gohn67 · 08-13-2005, 08:33 PM

Hey Eggo,
I found this funny also. I also really liked the ending.

As mentioned there were alot of minor grammatical problems, but they didn't disrupt me at all.

There is one semi-plot hole.

Quote:

I got lost on Altered-State 13 and ended up on a long dark driveway. It was the kind of road you wonder about taking and wouldn’t be surprise to find out God dropped his paintbrush and went home early. There was a house at the top of the hill, if you want to call it that. It was more like a black smudge against the sky.

Right here, he is driving and he gets lost. But that seems to coincidental that he finds the house.
-
Actaully after thinking about it, I think it works becuase of the Highway/freeway name of Altered state-13. So maybe whereever he drives he will end up there. No matter what he does.

Anyways, I liked this story. Fun to read.

eggo · 08-13-2005, 10:29 PM

Thanks Gohn,

Away for a holiday perhaps?

You got it in one with the highway name. He was destined to drive there regardless of the road he picked. The same way he was trying to get back to Boston and ended up in Transylvania.

I had a real good time writing it and thanks for commenting.