Job Security - revised - Writers Forum

Wyndstar · 08-01-2005, 04:30 PM

I've had this one for a bit. After reading gohn's old story, I cleaned this one up and decided to post it

And I even included the guy's name...

JOB SECURITY

“I want your job.”

Lucifer, the ex-Angel of Light, gazed at the man and carefully considered his proposal.

Usually, the demon could anticipate accurately what a human being would sell their soul for, particularly a human whose whole life had been manipulated into this moment…

This guy was a loser. No looks or wit to speak of, he had no special abilities such as singing, writing or artistic talent of any kind. He was seen as a coward because he didn’t believe in violence, and he was so often tormented for that and his open-minded beliefs, he was an easy target for every bully in a 10-mile radius.

Lucifer didn’t want this guy for earthly talent, no.

This guy – whose hippie parents had set him up from go with the name Sunburst - had that rare heart of gold.

This was the guy who lent out his car without thinking of any reason not to. He returned the $100 dollars worth of change in a busted vending machine to the vendor. He forced subordinates with potential into college while picking up the slack himself at work. The guy forgave most things and went on happily because he saw the beauty and purpose in all things.

At an early age, this human showed the potential to infect others with his outlook on life. Lucifer could not have this, and so set out to quell the impact the boy’s energies would have on the chaos the Prince of Lies had so carefully cultivated.

After 40 years of bad luck, after 40 years of bullies and being unappreciated (that one where the guy pulled off the impossible, obtaining hard to get manuals and a subordinate getting an award for finding ONE off the stack from Lucifer’s mark was something the ex-angel was particularly proud of), the mark had had enough. He didn’t have it in him to strike out at those who seemed responsible for his difficulties, so he went down the path Lucifer had directed, and summoned the ex-angel for a boon.

He didn’t ask for the smiting of the human forces he believed made his life difficult however, but if it granted Lucifer the boy’s soul, he wasn’t going to quibble.

“I want your job.” The mark repeated respectfully in response to Lucifer’s hesitation “Until the Lord feels I’m no longer for the post.”

“Really quite irregular, but---“ Lucifer shrugged “I did offer anything.” He agreed as they both signed “I’m a bit of an overdue for a vacation anyway.”

“Ireland is beautiful this time of year.” It was guilelessly suggested.

“Certainly so.” Lucifer sighed, handing over his briefcase “But St. Patrick didn’t just run off the snakes you know.”

“But---doesn’t sin still flourish there?”

Lucifer scoffed “As if mankind ever needed ME to perpetuate it? Come lad,” The demon snickered in pure amusement “Even you know better.”

“I suppose I do. Still,” He sighed in resign “I was hoping.”

“Your first lesson.” Lucifer drawled darkly “Abandon Ye.”

And then, so did Lucifer the new mark.

He went to the Bahamas…

For a good many months, Lucifer enjoyed his vacation. Hell kept him posted. Chaos continued along at a fine clip. There was mayhem, mess and the human race sinking as fast as it had ever, because it had one less light to help it see where it was going.

Now, however, the vacation was over---for both Lucifer and his replacement.

The boy, after all, was a screw up. All that was needed was for the ex-angel to---help him along, like he always had. It would be easy enough. It wasn’t like the Lord paid much attention anyway. He certainly hadn’t cared about this bright creature’s fall.

And then, that hard ass Gabriel showed up with the mark in tow.

“Here is your brief case.” The angel returned the thing, not bothering to mask his distaste.

“Erum---thank you so much.” The mark smiled at Lucifer in honest gratitude “I’d been so angry with so many people---but it really is wrong to revenge one self. So doing your job for the bit made it my natural responsibility.”

“Doing the Lord’s will proved a clever way to get around conscience, ideology, and being damned.” Lucifer did acknowledge, impressed with the lad’s guile now unencumbered of the efforts of demons suppressing him. “And not a bit of tarnish on the soul. Did you do them good, lad? All those who wronged you?”

“Well, no sir. I didn’t have to.” He admitted sadly “You said you weren’t really needed for it, and neither was I. Their lives were punishment enough. That reaping what you sowed and all.”

“Well, never mind boy.” Lucifer reached for him “We’ll have worse thoughts into you once we get you to Hell. Now let’s off---“

Gabriel staunchly blocked the approach.

“He’s still in the Lord’s employ.” The angel declared, undoubtedly enjoying this, though his face never cracked a smile “And it’s his for all eternity.”

“You never asked which job, or whether it was one you still held.” The man declared in a soft voice, now as strong and clear as bells, the tone as sweet and radiant as the wings unfolding from his back “I’m sorry sir, if you misunderstood…”

Lucifer, the ex-Angel of Light, shook his head as Gabriel and the new Angel of Light ascended into heaven because the truth finally dawned.

“True enough boy, you needn’t have done a thing.” He acknowledged, though the pair ceased to even acknowledge him “I reaped precisely what I’d sown…”

And because of the same pride that caused Lucifer himself to fall, he didn't see it. All the trials he put the boy through, all the manipulations, and strife, the boy held strong as he was polished and honed for exactly what the Lord intended…

“…My replacement.”

With that, Lucifer picked up his briefcase, and walked away…

Monkey King · 08-01-2005, 05:56 PM

Clever, very clever in a way I liked a lot.

It was a little awkward that the man doesn't have a name, I figured we'd learn it at the end as a ironic twist but I didn't find it. I'd consider nameing him.

For some reason, the angel Micheal seems a better fit than Gaberial to me. But that's a minor unimportant thing.

Quote:

Lucifer scoffed “As if mankind ever needed ME to perpetuate it? Come lad,” The demon snickered in pure amusement “Even you know better.”

I liked this bit a lot.

Destany · 08-01-2005, 07:22 PM

Haha, Satan going to the Bahamas. Great!
The only thing, I was confused as to what was happening. Why was the man talking to Satan in the first place?
Was it a deal, swap the guys soul for one request? Was the request that he take up the Devil's post?
The guy is in the employment of the Lord?
Please explain why all of this is occurring. I was lost on all that forty years stuff.

Wyndstar · 08-02-2005, 10:32 AM

Yeah, I sorta DID have an alternate ending for this Monkey. It went like this;

Code:

Lucifer, the ex-Angel of Light, shook his head as Gabriel and the new Angel of Light ascended into heaven.

"Well, no hard feelings then." The demon shrugged, seeing no reason to have a tantrum.  He'd gambled, he lost. "But---at least I hope the Lord has the good sense to at least change the boy's name..."

...Yes, Sunbursting, Angel of Light WAS a bit tacky, even by Lucifer's standards.

Having hippies for parents was just bad business all aroung...

Destany, best I can tell you is---Lucifer wanted this guy to stop being a ray of light, guy signed a contract after Lucifer made hs life suck, guy took up Lucifer's job, and was supposed to go to hell afterwards. Lucifer got rooked. The Lord was smarter.

Pardot Kynes · 08-02-2005, 06:03 PM

Wait..in this story, is Lucifer just a good guy who got suckered? Or what?

eggo · 08-02-2005, 08:05 PM

Great twist Wyndstar,

I love these story that grab you by the nose and lead you around till it walks you right into a wall.

I had to re-read the end to get it all. The ending was a bit murky with it's explanation, maybe its me.

Chris Miller · 08-02-2005, 08:32 PM

Hi Wyndstar,

Quote:

Lucifer, the ex-Angel of Light, gazed at the man and it seemed as if the statement gave him pause.

This sentence threw me. I wasn’t sure who made the statement and who was given pause.

Quote:

“Still,” He sighed, not bothering to hide feeling that would surely bring derision, and did “I was hoping.”

Missing comma. May be missing words. But the real problem in my mind is that this, like a lot of the sentences here, tries to do too much. Or perhaps it is just that the dialogue tag is too heavy. The spoken words are lost to some extent.

Quote:

Hell kept him posted and everything went along at a fine clip of mayhem, mess and the human race sinking as fast as it had ever.

Again. How about: “Hell kept him posted. Everything went along fine: there was still mayhem and mess; the human race continued to sink as fast as ever. You could even go into much more specific examples here.

Quote:

“Here is your brief case.”

briefcase [or did you mean to be funny?]

Quote:

Their lives were punishment enough.

I like this sentence, and not just philosophically.

Sometimes your vague to downright confusing prose works. In this little fable I felt it hurt. The story and its moral should be presented as clearly and concisely as possible. I’d be interested in seeing the re-write.

Wyndstar · 08-02-2005, 09:15 PM

This was one of my older stories that I was actually going to trash because there was a problem with it I couldn't put my finger on. Someone suggested I post it instead rather than delete it---it was more like a debate because I don't keep stories (or poetry---there was a poem older than the hills I posted too) at all. I don't even keep the concept.

Brief case was a joke...

Since I did get enough of a positive, I'll try and actually rewrite this one---though I now owe 5 bucks on it and I have to WORK it because someone made me care about the bloody thing. My brother is laughing his butt off now, the sot.

He didn't win on the poem though---maybe I won't have to pay him...

Ilan Bouchard · 08-02-2005, 09:56 PM

Hmm, interesting. I must admit the lack of name for this guy made everything rather confusing though. I had difficulty understanding what was going on at times. Or rather, most of the time.

But once I was able to figure it out, I was quite entertained.

semtecks · 08-03-2005, 12:30 PM

great idea for a story. But i can't believe the devil didn't see it coming. When the guy said: i want your job. I thought he meant forever. i thought the devil was going to trick him. but then i guess the devil would be too proud to think someone would actually challenge him for his job.

Chris Miller · 08-04-2005, 02:46 PM

I read this again. Cleaner now. I was lying in bed thinking about it when it occured to me that the kid wants Lucifer's OLD job, not his current position. Is that it? It works for me anyway.

eggo · 08-04-2005, 11:40 PM

Yeah Wyndstar,

Much clearer now. Where I had to read it through twice yesterday to get it, it came through right away on the re-write.

Nicely done.

NoWorries · 08-05-2005, 08:12 PM

Cool story, but even moreso, I love the way it's written.

It's clearly an epic, but you've kept it very concise on the two people concerned. I had the feeling of Krishna and Vishnu (Hindu guys) conversing on the battlefield determining the fate of mankind in the Bhagavad Gita. They're so comfortable with the whole thing, so calm, I love it.

I don't think I'd change much, I love where you put his name, it works a lot better than how you posted it as your first choice.

Wyndstar · 08-07-2005, 01:21 PM

Ilan - I added the name to the char. I had a problem WITH the name in its placement, but that's taken care of now.

semtecks - yep, you were right. The same thing that caused the devil's fall was the same thing that blinded him to the Almighty's will again, hence justifying even to the devil his own damnation and the sucky life he has (in this story--I really don't want to know what its actually like). In that scope, his replacement got back at him for the sucky life the devil gave him
Chris - yes, the kid wanted the devil's old job. But he had to work from the bottom up---as the saying goes. And I hope your vacation is going well. I'm really grateful you reread while you're supposed to be relaxing.

eggo - I'm glad you took the time to read it again, you and Chris. We're still probably both going to hell, so what do you want me to bring on the bus ride? I make great bloody mary's...

NoWorries - wow. And this wasn't even a magus opus for me, but the praise---thank you very, very much.

I have always written so that NO one could understand what I wrote. I've done it that way for years and years. I have reasons for people to understand stuff now. So I really appreciate that "NO! You don't DO it that way." from everyone. Thank you very much...

gohn67 · 08-13-2005, 08:56 PM

Hi Wyndstar,
Second story about the devil in one day for me! No wonder why you and Eggo are going to hell.

I had a bit of trouble understanding, what was going on. For some reason I always have trouble interpreting your writing.

I followed the beginning pretty easlily. It hooked me, and got me interested in finding out what was going to happen. But as it went on I kind of got lost. But after your explanation and reading the other posts it made alot more sense.