Arbitrator

A Peace at Dusk

Written by Arbitrator

CLASS: Romance

GENRE: Romance

LANGUAGE: English

FICTION RATING: K [Ages 6+]

APPROXIMATE READING TIME: 5 minutes

SUMMARY:
*******************The hidden pool in the forests may be a place for tranquility after dusk has gone and **********a silver crescent hangs up above...

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Arbitrator

**********The moon had always played nice patterns on her skin. Her skin that matched the feeling of a rose petal--nay; beat the feeling of the rose petals I always gave her. And I had the privilege and entire honor of being allowed to touch it.
**********We had always been friends, and yet I cannot remember a time when I refused the fact that she was not of this world. I'm not learned enough to put my feelings into words, but I may say that she was purely... beautiful. It is as though the first time we met, her magic aura enveloped my heart and never released. I don't want it to.
**********What I can remember, though, is that I always used to refuse work, and then as soon as we met, I always did it in chance to impress her. I wanted to tell her that I had cut the trees, but wasn't strong enough, but I could cut those logs my father gave to me. And I chopped at them each day, wanting her to see my work. I went to bed as sore as could be, so much that, at the beginning, I would sleep the next day through. And then I would be able to wake up the next day, but would be so tired I wouldn't be able to move.
**********I willed myself work, and I am able to do it now. I was also able to finish my goal, which was to impress her. I did impress her with what I had done. My father was always joyous, but my mother saw right past what I had thought to be cleverly hidden.
**********I spent day and night outside, building shelters for her to be comfortable. I knew she didn't like the woods much, but if she ever had to go in, there would be something to have over her head if she needed it. She thought the forest was scary. Dark and gloomy, she had always said. I know I'm not as smart as her, but I did find what 'gloomy' had meant. Though I had to ask the scholar in the village what it had meant, and at the cost of her finding out because of my foolishness, I did understand what half she said.
**********So here we were, standing waist high in the pond that was so deep in the forest. It was tranquil and quiet, and yet the bugs and knats around us "played as twilight's orchestra." I still don't understand how she knew all these strange words, but 'twilight', I found meant something like the night. Oh, and orchestra I never really understood. It had to do with people making noise. She had tried to explain it, but I couldn't get past how these people made noise.
**********They did sound good in the night. I just ignored it. I was couldn't stop looking into her eyes. And the fact that she allowed me to hold her hand some of the time meant the world to me. But now that we seemed to look in each others eyes, wet all over because we had been swimming before. Her dress clung to her body, making the curves of her show more than I have ever seen.
**********I could just make out her soft, light-colored lips in the outside of my eyes. They seemed to always be perfect when I sneaked glances at it. Everything about her seemed perfect. Everything on her, her nose, ears, cheeks, even her hair seemed to flow like the water that we were in now. And then her body and legs and... it was enough to just write an entire book you would see in that scholar's house. They were so thick!
**********And suddenly, she took my hand and softly pulled me toward her, guiding my hand to her waist, and I guess she wanted me to keep my hand there. I know I wanted to, so I did, and my heart had already doubled how fast it was going. I jerked my head up, feeling foolish to just be looking at my hand and waiting if she was going to say something. I looked at her and she just smiled. But she looked different than before. I know it doesn't sound right, but she did look more beautiful the way she seem to tilt her head very slightly, and the way we were so close to each other.
**********She didn't even have to look when she took my other hand and placed it on the other side of her waist. And then we went back to silence for a long moment after I realised she kept drifting closer to me. Her bosom, though I don't use that word because it means just what it means, began to touch my chest. I wasn't sure if she wanted this, so I found myself pulling away.
**********The look she gave me seemed hurt. I had no idea what to do. And since my hands we still on her waist, I took them off. But that wasn't the right thing to do because she turned her head away. I seemed so helpless that I just let my hands go in the water and I turned my head toward the darkness.
**********I turned my head at the sound of her wading and saw her start going out of the pond.
**********"Wai--" I started saying, trailing off in my foolishness. She turned with a glance at me.
**********"I'm sorry," she said softly. "I... I didn't mean to."
**********I started getting confused at that. What did she mean? Why was she sorry? I was the one at fault here. And what did she not mean to do? She didn't do anything. I'm not sure why she put my hands on her waist, but I guess she didn't like it. I'm also not sure why she kept leaning towards me, but I guess she didn't like that either. I'm not sure what she wanted.
**********So I followed her out, and found myself right behind her. She turned around suddenly, and I accidentally walked right into her. I tried backing up, finding myself in the same position as in the pond, but her hands were holding mine so I stopped and looked down at her.
**********She reached up, holding the back of my neck and kissed my on the lips before I could possibly react. I was so surprised that I just stood there for a moment looking into her eyes. I didn't know what to do, so she took back her arms and turned, holding my hand. I'm not sure how she knew I like her, but I guess she did.
**********So that night I was led outside of the woods by the girl that I wanted to marry. The girl that had kissed me this night was the girl that I found to love and would die in an instant.
**********I woke up the next morning to find the last night was really a dream. A dream that had come true.

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giglioviola

Your story is very descriptive and imaginative, but there are some gramatical errors. For example you went from they to it, refering to the same thing(s).

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Semenaide, kesanaide, makenaide... Daredatte motteru hazu yuzurenai mono. Ai dake... yume dake... kimi dake... Sore dake wa hanasanai donna toki de mo.

Julianne

Hi Arbitrator,

This is a decent first draft of a story, but there are some areas for improvement.

There is a lot of padding--extra words--in this, places where you have used a multitude of words when a few would do. There are also quite a few odd constructions and words used incorrectly. Some examples:

--I think you mean "the feeling of her skin" not just "her skin". And "beat" in an odd verb choice given the rest of the language in this.

--"making the curves of her show"? Why not just say, "showing her curves"?

--Should be "waist-deep" not "waist high". Do you need "that was so"? Couldn't you just eliminate those filler words?

--How do you see something "in" with outside of your eyes? This doesn't make sense to me.

--How could the narrator see her legs if they were standing waist-deep in a pond? If "it" after the ellipses refers to her body and legs, then "it" should be "they." Also as written, the book about her legs and body would be found in a scholar's house, and you've called her legs and body thick. Perhaps some rewording?

--I don't buy the narrator not understanding an orchestra. Musical instruments have been a part of human culture for aeons, and even a simple peasant (??, this story has a fantasy feel to it) would understand that.

--"led out of the woods"

--So he dreamed the night in pool? Did the girl die? What does this mean?


As you edit this, I suggest you focus on removing filler words and cleaning up your sentence structure and odd word usages. I also think you need to give some context to this story--is it fantasy? is it historical?

Good luck with this.

Julianne

Ejp414

As stated, there are some grammatical errors. I understand that you're going for a more vernacular kind of story, considering it is first-person, and the narrator is relatively uneducated.

The story does flow pretty well for the most part, but a couple of parts tripped me up: the use of "beat;" the part that goes, "Oh, and . . ." could just be shortened to "Orchestra I never really understood;" and the entire ending actually kind of confuses me.

Also, the idea that she "is from another world" never seems to be cleared up. With so many hints of fantasy, I almost began to think that she was a human, and the narrator, an alien. But to my disappointment, I never really found out. These little undertones are actually what intrigued me the most about your story so I would make an effort to resolve them if they are intended or remove them if they are not.

I enjoyed it, though. All in all, it's a good story that needs to be cleaned up. Good work!

eggo

Hey Arbitrator,

Sorry, didn't work for me. I know why and I could see what you were doing. The story wrapped you up so much in emotion it got in the way of what you were trying to write about.
I have been guilty of it myself. You are so intense with what you are writing and want it to suceed, that the story loses it way as you write it.
You end up lenghting sentences that should be short and concise to wring every bit out out of them.

I always try to give my stories the " My brother" test. And what is that? My brother is the most two-dimesional, black-white, matter-of-fact person I know. After I write a story I think about how he would respond when reading it.

After reading your particular story, he would have responded;

So a guy went out in the woods and felt up a chick.

Ya, I know about as romantic as a cinder block.

So cut a wide swath through the story and remain a bit more objective.
I can see you have some talent, just remove the clutter.