First draft: Ada - Writers Forum

_Nyx_ · 07-30-2005, 07:42 PM

The gentle satin swirled around the girl’s bronzed legs as her steps flowed in time with the music, rising softly from the stage. Her partner, a stranger tangled around her, lead their rhythm.
“Ada … your eyes are so beautiful tonight,” he breathed.
His arm tightened around her waist as they spun suddenly and dipped to the final movements of the dance, slowing to a hushed sway.
“Come home with me Ada …”
His croon was irresistible as he curled his fingers over her soft skin and led her from the centre of the rippling crowd. He stopped abruptly at a shaded veranda and pressed her against the vine trellis, leaning in to cover her parted lips with his own hungry mouth.
As he pulled back, she watched how the shadows played across his tanned face, obscuring his eyes and strong jaw line. Sweat made his skin glisten against the backdrop of the evening haze as the sun folded into the horizon.

************************************************** **************************

She sat huddled at the furthest corner of the bed, hugging the faded sheets against her knees. Moonlight sliced through the unkempt wooden shutters in symmetrical beams, pulling in the heavy night air.
She glanced over at her stranger; he was pulling on his slacks whilst a cigarette hung lazily from his lips. Brushing back his hair, he strode proudly over to the dresser grinning at his masculine reflection.
“I can see what my brother saw in you Ada … you really are a good fuck; so obedient.”
He turned to her as she sat in the darkness, shivering at his words.
“That’s all you’ll ever be, you know. An obedient whore.”
“What about love?” She choked.
Her stranger’s grin turned into a leer as he stalked towards her and placed his hands at either side of her on the bed. The stench of his cigarette sank into her senses as he spoke.
“Love? Love doesn’t exist for people like you Ada. Love doesn’t exist for whores.”
He stood and grabbed his shirt from the bed post, not bothering to put it on as he walked towards the door and opened it. She watched him silently as he left the room, dropping a bank note on the dresser and shutting the door behind him.
The silver shards of light pulled her to the open window. The sky seemed so shallow that she thought it might reach down and envelop her in its reflection. Maybe it would be for the best if it did, then she wouldn’t have to suffer the same indignities every summer.
Thoughts of her daughter flooded into her mind, reminding her that she was doing what she had to in order to feed the both of them, even if it meant she was branded a whore.
Ada decided, in the moonlight, that she didn’t need the love of men for being whore, only the love of her daughter for being a mother and giving all that she was able to give.

*****************************

First time I've sat down and actually visualised a story in a VERY long time. I'm going to rework it tomorrow when I'm not so tired.

Nyx

Destany · 07-31-2005, 10:49 AM

It's a great story. I like the imagery and the description. Especially them on the dancefloor.
At first though, I got the impression of a strong, independent woman. I really liked that.
But when she's in the bed, letting him talk to her like that, I was let down. Especially when she started talking about love. A woman going home with a stranger would no better than to expose that part of her.
It flowed really well, and the first part was really catching. Made me want to read the rest of it. It just doesn't match the second part.
The stranger seemed enamoured by her at first, telling her that her eye's are lovely tonight implied to me that he'd seen her before- yet he was a stranger. Maybe drop "tonight". If she was a whore, he'd have no real need to try and seduce her, would he? Why is he so kind, and then turn so nasty in the end?

All in all, it was a nice story. I'd like to see it after you've reworked it.

_Nyx_ · 07-31-2005, 01:00 PM

well the idea behind Ada was the theme of seduction. He was a stranger only because she had never been with him before. She had been naive in the past with love and as a result, become a whore.

I wanted the first part to give the illusion of love, and then drop the reader right in it at the end by exposing it for what it really was. And this is also set in a sort of rural sicilian style village, so I was trying to capture the simplicity of the situation.

I think my heroine is still strong, even for what she does. She isnt a whore because she's weak but because she has a daughter to care for and love.

Thanks for the feedback

I'm glad you liked it

Nyx

gohn67 · 08-23-2005, 05:50 PM

hey Nyx,
I was going to read this weeks ago, but I went on vacation. Finally found time to read it.

Is this the end of the story? I hope not. There is a lot more to explore here. Seems very interesting. I heard about this thing in Korea, I think? I'm not sure but it's some Asian country. Where there's this cycle of prostitution, becuase the prostitiute is a single mother the only thing she can do to support her child is prostitution. And then when the child grows up then they become a prostitute to take care of the mother.

The first sentence to me is kind of fluffy, too flowerey for my tastes.
I'd rather start with the dialogue part, where the guy tells her how beautiful her eyes are. For me dialogue is a great way to open stories.

As a whole I liked the dialogue. Thought it was well done.

I think you sometimes you come up with too overly complicated sentences though, which can get kind of clunky and awkward to read.

The other thing is that I think some of the adverbs you used could be taken out and described in a different way.

Quote:

She glanced over at her stranger; he was pulling on his slacks whilst a cigarette hung lazily from his lips.

I like this adverb though. It works great. Great detail here.

The ones I hate are like "SLowly" "Silently" Those are used way to often. But they are also kind of difficult to show.

Anyways I think this piece is kind of rough still, but the content is really interesting to me. I hope you continue this. I think it can be a great story.