Water Grave - Writers Forum

anetjie · 07-30-2005, 04:42 AM

David.
There was so much blood. But why wouldn’t there be? There was probably a hole the size of a small coin where the bullet had gone through. Even though it was raining, the ground was smothered with it; thick and sticky. But David didn’t care right then—he just wanted to get out of there, go home and hide under the covers. He stumbled toward his black ford and pulled his keys clumsily from his pocket, his legs growing numb in the midnight rain. He clenched his teeth, hoping that his jaw would stop juddering before his teeth cracked, or before the cops heard and came to see what all the noise was about. The strident clashing of his teeth seemed to echo along side the wind and the thunder, like a choir of evil creatures singing and dancing to the song of death. His heart beat hastily in his heaving chest, attempting to break free. Finally the door clicked open and David started to stoop inside. His eyes wandered back to the bridge as his fingers worked to get the car’s engine roaring.
“What have I done? What the hell have I done?”
His eyes hurt so much just looking at his friend’s lifeless body. They fought off tears and the persistent rain and he wished he could just die; he wished that he was in his friend’s place.
“ What the hell is wrong with me? What have I done?”
He blinked, trying to block the scene laid out so gruesomely before him, yet even when he was just staring at his black eyelids could he see the outline of the body—legs wrapped in a spasm around the rail, arms hanging lifelessly on either side, head cocked back, animals drawing closer for a long awaited feast…
“Pssst!” He whispered, kicking the gravel toward the curious animals.
“Get away from him you little bastards. I said away! Come on. Away!” He stopped. He was nearing a scream and paranoid thoughts started entering his mind. People are coming…cops maybe…Oh crap, they’re gonna lock me up…they’re gonna think I killed him….but I did….didn’t I? Oh crap, what was that?
Three ferocious birds glared piercingly at him, willing him off so they could feast in silence.
“NO! Back off, leave him alone!” David stumbled back toward the bridge, his body completely numb, and his mind hardly thinking anymore. He waved his arms in the frosty air and hurled a few jagged stones at the animals. They screeched in annoyance and scuttled a few metres back.
David knew that he had to get rid of his friend’s body…bury it somewhere, somehow before the last rays of light were born in the sky.
“I’m so stupid…I’m so sorry…oh God forgive me, forgive me,” David said under his breath as he unclasped the body’s legs. He had had no idea how heavy a body could be, even when they had lost as much blood as this one had. He seized the icy hands and let the body hang over the rail of the bridge.
“Sorry…”
He released the hands and waited for the body to hit the water.
“Sorry…”

103_smalls · 07-30-2005, 05:36 PM

Definetely enjoyed this- and it gave me ideas for a writing prompt one day when I get bored. A couple of things though...

Quote:

His heart beat hastily in his heaving chest, attempting to break free.

That is a wonderful sentence. However, one thing is wrong with it: it says that his heart is attempting to break free- something that a heart is clearly not able to do

, you may want to say "as if attempting to break free" or something along those lines- so that I don't get the humerous image of a heart with hands legs and a face jumping around in somebody's chest.

Besides that, I really enjoyed it- it kept me reading intently until the end.

anetjie · 07-31-2005, 02:32 AM

kk

Thanks

Heres the next bit
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Alice.
It was 12 o’clock in the morning and Evan’s mother, Alice, couldn’t sleep. Her son had not returned home on his motorbike, and she had reoccurring visions of him lying in a ditch. She was seated downstairs opposite the front door, wrapped tightly in a warm blanket—yet shaking furiously.
“Why am I so worried,” she wondered as the tears continued to stream down her pale cheeks. “He’s always out doing something, and he’s always out till late...why am I crying?” She hit herself through her face. She knew the answer to that; she was crying because somehow she knew that something was wrong…she could feel it, sense it…like she had a mother’s sixth sense…
“Honey, come back to bed. It’s so bloody cold without you.” Alice turned to face her husband, her body rigid. She looked at his shadowy figure and felt her heart break.
“Stop it! Just stop it Sam!” She cried suddenly causing her husband to jump back confused.
“Stop what honey?”
“That! That!” She hated him then. How could he be so much like her son, how could he dare to remind her of her only son…when she knew that he was dead?
“I don’t understand…” He said holding her by her shoulders. He pulled her toward him and held her gently, rubbing her back comfortingly.
“Sam…you stand just like him, you move like him, you even speak like him,” She whispered. “You are so much like him and it just hurts because he’s dead now.”
Alice groaned with alarm as her husband’s grip tightened suddenly around her. She realised that he was surprised, and opened her mouth to explain her feelings, her visions…
“Evan’s not dead, Alice,” He muttered thinking that she was just busy having another one of her common late night delusions. “He’s a big boy, he is probably just at Jenny’s house…or, or at David’s.” He kissed her on the forehead and led her toward the staircase. She reminded him strongly of a robot and he felt a sudden chill descend down his spine. Alice was half way up the staircase when she turned to Sam and whispered: “He said goodbye mother, always remember that I love you before he left after dinner---he’s not coming back….he’s already dead.”
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Theres still more to come...if you want it...

Taz · 08-04-2005, 05:34 AM

Like tottaly awsome

bobothegoat · 08-04-2005, 06:27 PM

Quote:

“Pssst!” He whispered, kicking the gravel toward the curious animals.

Before this, he was in his car. Now he's suddenly outside and able to kick gravel.

Otherwise it was good. It doesn't seem drawn out too much nor does it seem to short. Excellent work so far.