LoneWolf

Ohh I have been dying (no pun intended) to write another dark, violent piece, and I finally did it. It took me a week to write, re-read, etc, but it still doesn't feel...right...so all critiques are welcome! Enjoy!



Jeffrey's frantic pleas struggled to permeate the heavy cotton gag in his mouth, but the words feel distorted and dead into the air.

He watched in mingled sorrow and fear as his wife lined her instruments in front of her.

"Yes, they're all here." she murmured, nodding with approval. "Scalpel, paring knife, butcher knife, scissors, and of course my axe."

Her eyes feel upon him as she caressed the wooden handle of the axe, and Jeffrey began to struggle once more when he caught sight of the glint in her eyes. He had only seen it once before, had prayed he would never see it again. Yet...

His wife's slow, hungry grin began to shoot bolts of dread into his heart, and Jeffrey willed himself into the past to help him escape for the moment.

When he had first met Kari, he had thought that she was vibrant and sweet, with only a hint of a temper. However, as the years passed, Kari had become more suspicious and jealous. One night when Jeffey had come home late he found Kari standing, silent, in the middle of the darkened living room, holding up one of his shirts as "evidence" of his infidelity.

Now, as Jeffrey looked up, he found that a similar scene was unfolding before his eyes. Except that he was tied up, of course.

The only sounds in the room were Jeffrey's labored breathing and the eerily hollow echos of water falling onto the cold stone cellar floor. One bare lightbulb swung lazily from a cluster of wires and the light cast shadows onto Kari's face. Finally she spoke.

"Do you see this?" She held in her hands a wrinkled white shirt. "How could you?" She moved forward and yanked the gag from his mouth. "Well?"

Jeffrey took a gasping breath before he coughed out, "Kari, I--"

"No! I don't want to hear it! You are a dirty pig and I hate you! I already caught you once, and you do it again?"

"Baby, you're mistaken!" His voice came out thin and wavering.

"I am not!" She held up the shirt, pointing at a small, oval shaped, red stain. "Look at this! It's lipstick from that whore Cindi, isn't it? Isn't it?!"

"No! That's red wine! Can't you see--"

"Shut up, Jeff. Just quit it. It's not wine, okay? It's lipstick."

Kari dropped the shirt and Jeffrey could almost feel the slight dampness and the sudden aroma of alcohol as the drop of wine fell from his lips and onto his shirt. It was true that he had cheated before, but---

"---not this time!" His hysterical cry bounced off of the walls.

Kari regarded him with a comical expression, and he shivered violently when he saw the blood thirsty glint in her blue eyes once more.

She picked up the axe and held it up to the light. Jeffrey began to struggle in panic against the ropes that held him to the chair.

She took a step foward and smiled. "Oh, Jeff. I loved you so much. But you're just a cheating bastard who doesn't deserve to live. Don't worry though. I'll make it nice...and...painless."

In some part of his heart Jeffrey knew that it was over when Kari licked her lips and laughed, but he continued to plead for his life.

"Kari, baby! I love you too! And I told you that first time was a mis--"

Jeffrey's words soon faded into a horror-filled scream as Kari brought the axe over her head---

---and swung down, sending it deep into his skull. The scream still lingered on his lips and she waited patiently as his spasms and convulsions died.

Kari brought the axe down again, this time completely severing the head.

"Oh, Jeff. You must remember to keep your head in these situations."

As the head landed with a thick, blood-choked thud on the floor Kari threw back her head and laughed. She picked up the head, gave it a long, passionate kiss, and set it aside for later use. Kari used the axe once more to swiftly cut off his extremities and set them with the head. She rested for a moment, staring at her two prizes in dazed bliss.

Suddenly Kari felt something warm on her bare foot and looked down. Streams of blood oozed from the ragged stump that now served as Jeffrey's head. Steam rose as the heat of fresh blood met the cool, damp air.

"Oops! I must quit daydreaming!"

In one swift move she grabbed three heavy cotton towels and threw them at her feet.

"Fabulous," she muttered, picking up the scalpel with care.

Kari lifted Jeffrey's hand and inspected the fingernails closely.

"Gorgeous, Jeff. Even in death your nails are absolutely divine."

Kari made a deep incision a centimeter below the fingernail on his thumb. Then she applied pressure, grunting in satisfaction when blood began to flow. Next she slid the scalpel under his short fingernails and pushed until the nail separated from the skin with a sickening, wet sound. Grinning, she ripped off the bloody nail and upon dropping it into a water-filled bowl, returned to the nine remaining nails.

Thirty minutes later, after having scrubbed all of Jeffrey's fingernails clean, Kari was once more wielding the axe.

She sighed mournfully, yet her eyes shimmered with frenzied glee. "Goodbye, dear Jeff. It was nice knowing you."

Kari raised the axe and brought it down upon his shoulder. After only two hits, it fell to the floor in a deep puddle of blood.

In only an hour all of Jeffrey's body parts lay side by side, and upon seeing a pale arm lying crooked, Kari set it back in place with a loving pat.

She then began to remove the three large stones from the lower wall which had been an absolute pain to loosen and remove throughout the months.

As Kari began to stack the body parts in the small space she muttered to herself. "All of this work, planning, just because Jeff couldn't keep it in his pants. Oh, well. It is quite fun. Very Poe-esque, and you know how much I love Mr. Poe."

By this time she had already pushed the stones back into place. Kari looked over it with approval.

"That's fine. I''ll mix the cement later annd fill in the gaps."

Next on Kari's list was to clean up the blood that flooded the stone floor. She worked happily with her copious number of cleaning products (all of which she would turn later on, along with her clothes). As the nauseating smell of blood and lemons filled the room, Kari began to sing to herself.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me...



Hours later Kari was seated in the only windowless room in the house, the den.

The last thing that she had done was to put a sign in the door that read 'Gone On Vacation', for although they were more or less invisible to the community, it would keep curious people away for the time being.

Only one candle burned, and Kari, exhausted from all of the work, could only sit and gaze lovingly at the chair opposite her, in which sat two jars.

In a small jar filled with preserving fluid, Jeffrey's penis floated limply, occasionally collidiing with his testicles with a small bounce.

His head sat in a larger jar, wich was covered with Kari's red lipstick and drying bubbles of her saliva.

Jeffrey's face was twisted in a permanant expression of horror and despair. The glassy, wide eyes peered out at Kari, who was seated in her chair, nude, with a string of brightly painted fingernails hung around her neck.

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

thedarkboots

This is really really sick and im a little concerned where you got the idea from.

When I was reading it I thought you would have him escape somehow, but I was wrong. Oh how wrong I was.

I cant say I enjoyed it, anyone out there who does enjoy it are probably as sick as you but I thought it was brilliantly written and very vivid.

My stomach is still turning slightly. Im guessing thats the reaction you was going for!

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Sephiroth

i though that was brilliant!
ha, i must be as sick as you are

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She has a face on her that looks like a bulldog thats just licked piss off a nettle..

gohn67

Wow, this story was sick, very sick. Like usual the writing is good. Nicely written scene

The only thing was that the story line was a bit weak. I guess the man cheating on wife thing has been done alot of times. But your writing makes up for it though. I hate to admit it but I enjoyed reading it. I must be one of the sick ones also.
Oh of course, can't forget the Ax.

feel = fell?

She seems so schizo here. I love. But you're a cheating baster. But I'll make your death nice.

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LoneWolf

thedarkboots: I have no idea where I got the idea from. It just poured out of me. I was going for that reaction. I am both happy and slightly sad that you feel that way. But I made it so that you don't feel happiness reading it. The lady's crazy and the guy's a cheater. Anyways, thanks for reading and for sticking around to comment! And don't be afraid to read more of my work...they're not all this bad lol

Sephiroth: Thank you kindly. I'm glad you liked it! And to think, I was going to go into more detail...

gohn: I was surprised to hear you thought it was very sick lol. I guess you didn't read my 'In the Sink' story a long time ago. But that wasn't as bad as this one, I guess. I think that you nailed it; I felt something was off about the story, and I think it's because of the story line. Thanks for pointing that out, and the other thing too. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I guess you're a part of the Sick People's Club now lol...we're all sick, I guess I was trying to get people to realize that and get disgusted when they see they like it. Or something like that. Anywho, thanks for reading and such. Ipromise to lay off of the gore for a few months (weeks)

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

ooghost1oo

You must have been offended by a guy at school recently.

I'm sure you're comfortable enough in what's good about it and what you like that I don't have to tell you, so I'll skip to the criticisms. Please don't take offense if I don't waste your time stroking ego and get right to the point.


I don't know if this is your first or second draft, but you could benefit by skimming over the story and figuring out when and where things don't seem smooth. There was a bit of choppiness which could be solved with some re-wordings and a thesaurus. Thesaurus's are so useful for captivating writing.

As mentioned in another critique, the story-line was a little weak. There was little direction or change in the plot-line. Without rising/falling action or anything, it's just a documentary: Boy pleads briefly, girl kills boy, girl procedes to mutilate corpse until she sits alone, proud of her trophies and feelings of vengeance. The body of the story was the process of the mutilation.

Your story-line may have been stronger if, for instance, the dialogue was the main focus, as the guy pleaded and tried to convince his derailed sweetheart to come to her senses, as the girl battled among the internal struggle within herself. In the end, she'd lose, freak out, and kill him. Maybe a couple of chops to take the head off, then the 'camera' backs off as she starts her grisly work. Scene change. Then, she's sitting naked with the fingernail necklace and the jars. Story ends in that eery, creep-out way that many Stephen King short stories finish off.

There were a couple of places in which you slipped into present tense:
but the words feel distorted
Her eyes feel upon him
(felt)

There were some comma issues:
and of course my axe. (one example)
could be solved with:
"and, of course, my axe." or "and, of course ... my axe."

Here's an example of the choppiness:
wife lined her instruments in front of her
would sound better as (perhaps):
"wife lined her instruments up before her"
or with a slight change:
"wife lined her instruments up in front of her"

Same sentence in another example:
Her eyes feel (fell) upon him as she caressed the wooden handle of the axe, and Jeffrey began to struggle once more when he caught sight of the glint in her eyes.
You used "eyes" twice in the same sentence. Could be restructured:
"Her eyes fell upon him like (metaphor) as she caressed the wooden handle of the axe, and Jeffrey struggled under the intentful glare."
(just an example)

Here's a major problem:

He had only seen it once before, had prayed he would never see it again.
His wife's slow, hungry grin began to shoot bolts of dread
Kari began to sing to herself.

Passive verbs.
He saw it once before, prayed he would never see it again.
His wife's slow, hungry grin shot bolts of dread
(you get the picture)


I hope this was helpful.

Nemo

Im a fan of dark Sci-fi and Ive seen some pretty crazy things in the past, but this totally threw me for a loop. I have to agree with the previous critiques, the plot was a bit weak, but the writing was excellent. There are other senses that would have spiced things up (like its not already bad enough as it is ), but they can add a bit. Overall, well done.

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"Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

-Sambo italiano-

Great piece the bit with the nails made me cringe a little though.

LoneWolf

ooghost1oo, Thanks for reading and the critiques. About me slipping into present tense, you got it later on in your reply: All the 'feel''s were meant to be 'fell''s. I'm writing on my messed up laptop now and it is so hard to type on this thing. This is definitely not finished. There's still a lot to change about it, so thanks for your advice and such. Glad you kind of liked it (you did kind of like it...?)

Nemo: Thank you! I was gonna add more nasty stuff but I thought that if I added much more, you all would think I was a murderer in hiding or something.

Sambo italiano: Thanks for reading. I'm glad it freaked you out a bit lol

LW

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Destany

Very nicely written. I'm not big for the gore, but I sat through this better than I have some. I liked it- guess I'm sick

Actually, and you may not like this idea, but I think it could do better with more of a twist.

The guy didn't cheat at all. It would make the reader more sympathetic to the husband who's getting hatcheted. It would play more into the psychosis and of the wife as being incredibly unstable. I'm soooo tired of poetic justice.
I think you could make the wife crazier too. Just go nuts with her! You have a really sick story, so go as crazy as you can, there's no out of bounds in a piece like this.

Good job!

eggo

Hey Lone Wolf,

I liked it. It was good because it ran contrarian to what most stories do. It doesn't look for the Hollywood escape.

I will have to agree with some previous crits, that the story does end as soon as the ax smashs into the guys head. The rest is just clean-up and disposal.

I think if you came up with an ingenious way of corpse disposal it would carry the story through.

Then again, it seems as if you wrote it just to write it. Just puke all that crap out onto a page so you can get on with it. For Gods sakes don't show it to your significant other.

Wyndstar

I could have SWORN I commented on this one. I even remember what I wrote. No prob, I can just write it again...

I thought that if you hacked up a guy, there'd only be ONE part worth saving. Well, I guess if you go homicidal, you also keep the part reflecting the well deserved fear and angish in seeing the fruit of what you believe that person sowed slicing them up.

I ordinarily enjoy a good gore story, but the person being butchered had have sinned a bit more than one indescretion for me to indulge with complete abandon---not the writer's fault though. And, as gohn said, it was a bit of cliche, but the writing made it worth the read.

If anyone asks about the fingers, tell them they're halloween cookies made out of pretzle dough...

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.

semtecks

good job. Reading your work cheered me up--is that strange?--although it did scare me quite a bit (once had a paranoid girlfriend, meself). I wish ghost would crit omething of mine, he gave you some great advice. the story is written perfectly, but it would benefit from a beginning-middle-end-type structure. ie:

Beginning: guy comes home, lights are out, gets hit over the head

middle:wife confronts him, asks question, kills him

end:cuts him up, hides body, takes trophies

How about expanding? The smell from that body is going to attract someone sooner or later.

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http://semtecks.bebo.com

LoneWolf

Destany: Thanks for the suggestion!! I really like the idea of making the husband not guilty. It would add more intense emotions to the story. Maybe more dialogue of the husband, pleading and maybe even crying! Great idea...thank you!!

eggo: Hullo there! I didn't really like the thought of putting the guy in the wall...I'll have to think some more about how she can really dispose of his body in a truly gross way.........oh snap, I've Got It!!! But it's a really sick idea, and I'd have to add a dog in it...I don't think I'll show you guys what it is, though. YOu'd be terrified of me. And I will never show it to my bf. He'd die not literally, of course! lol thanks!!

Maria: Hey!! Thank you! I could have added a ton more details, but I didn't want to overdo it (aka scare everyone) I'm glad it made you shiver, kind of...hehe....thanks for comparing me to the great Steve King! He still beats me, though Thanks again!

Wyndstar: Hulloo there! Hehe, I have no idea where the idea of her keeping those parts came from. At first it was the head, and then everything else kind of fell into place. Plus with this new, grosser part I just thought up...well...I'll def. work on making the story line more unique. Thanks for reading and writing (again!).

semtecks: It cheered you up? Really?? lol, yeah, that is strange!! I'm glad it had that effect on you, kind of...happy yet scared. It's crazy!! I get what you're saying about the structure thing. That's a pretty cool idea. And the thought of expanding it is even cooler. I think it would be quite easy to do so. Thanks for your suggestions and for reading!!

Holy crap you guys have some awesome ideas!! I'm going to re-write this one, expand it, add some more grosser stuff. If you think you're sick and brave enough check it out later on. But I think it'll be 10 times as worse as this one. Just a warning! Thanks everybody!!

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My aim is to put down on paper what I see and what I feel in the best and simplest way. --Ernest Hemingway

Destany

YES! Glad you like it! I was hoping you would, I think it's gruesome and totally fitting.