Franz goes to Earth - Writers Forum

anetjie · 07-26-2005, 10:53 PM

Hey, this is a short story that i had to write for school. Please help me make it better! Crit welcome!
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“Oh Gabriel, how I wish that I could go to Earth and just stay there for a short while to see whether it really is as wonderful as it seems,” Franz said, readjusting his position on the small cloud he was lying on. His head was poised lightly on his hands, and his eyes glazed over with desire and wonder.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful to just see how it feels to stand in those busy streets and be surrounded by people, each with a different destination in mind?” Gabriel folded his arms in disapproval and hissed in reply, but Franz didn’t seem to realize.

“Oh Gabriel, I wish that I could just feel the excitement that surrounds such a wonderful place on Earth. Can you imagine an angel in the city! How wonderful would it be? I’ve always dreamt of going there,” he sighed and peered over the edge of the cloud where Australia was now directly below him. “Do you think that if I asked God, that he would let me go?”

“Don’t be silly, you’re an angel!” Gabriel said quickly, shaking his head, but again, Franz wasn’t listening. “No, no, I’m going to ask him. Thanks for your support,” he said and vanished on the spot.

“Thank you Your Majesty!” Franz screeched with excitement an hour later. “Oh, this will be so wonderful!”

God chuckled and peered down at Franz fondly. “But then you must go!” he said. “Where do you wish to go? Jerusalem, where I sent my son? What about Tokyo? The city there is the best in the world if you ask me.”

“What about Melbourne Your Greatness? I would so like to see the City of Melbourne.”

“Oh yes, wise decision. Now off you go! Remember to abide by the Law of Angels. Have a wonderful holiday Franz!” And with that, Franz vanished and reappeared a second later in an isolated alley way in Melbourne. He straightened his Mortal clothes and smiled excitedly before walking out of the alley and into the middle of the busy city. His mouth hung open as his eyes glided over the many people, buildings, lights, cars and smoke in anticipation.

A lady wearing a very odd combination of clothes pushed past him in a hurry, almost knocking him over. She turned glanced at him for split second before turning and continuing to swim through the ocean of people. Franz looked at her for a second before screaming at the top of his voice: “Why did you not apologize, young woman? So rude and evil are your actions! The work of the devil in you must cease!” A handful of people stared at him momentarily before continuing on their journeys.

Franz turned away from her and searched for something to help him know where to go. He felt slightly overwhelmed as he made his way slowly toward a tall building with pink lights that bathed the area around it. “What is this then sir?” He asked a man in a black suit who was standing in front of the door, arms crossed and nose high up in the air.
“Nightclub,” the man said shortly. “I’ll need to see some I.D to prove that you are over the age of 18,” he paused, “but, you seem to qualify.” The man laughed and pulled out a roll of pink stickers. “Give us your arm then,” he said as Franz stared at the place in excitement. He had never heard of a place called a nightclub. “That’ll cost you twenty bucks mate,” the man said after a while, holding out his hand. Franz felt in his back pocket for a wallet and was surprised to find one. He opened it up and held it out to the man in the suit. “I am not good with money,” Franz said lightly as the man looked at him in confusion. “There, take the twenty dollars for I do not know what it looks like. The man took the wallet from Franz and eyed it hopefully. He pulled out a fifty dollar note and said, “That’s five dollars,” before pulling out three more of the same kind. “Ten, fifteen, twenty,” he lied, smiling at Franz.

As soon as Franz entered the club, Gabriel appeared beside him, also dressed in Mortal clothes. His arms were still crossed and he had a sour look on his face. “Franz,” he said quietly, pulling him through a door with a “Gentlemen” sign attached to it.

“You must come back to Heaven with me. God instructed me to come and get you,” he said. “God says that the people have already been rude and dishonest to you, and he says that it is not a place suitable for an angel.” Franz smiled at Gabriel and nodded. This was a dangerous place for an angel, he realized.

Just as they disappeared, a short, balding man exited from a cubical, a frightened look upon his face. He looked around the bathroom quickly before heading toward the sink. He thought about what he heard and laughed. “Freaks,” he laughed as he exited and made for the dance floor.
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journyman161 · 07-27-2005, 12:24 AM

I like the idea & presentation, but have commented below on structure AND the storyline. With a little work, I think this should do well.

Quote:

Franz said, readjusting his position on the small cloud he was lying on

- as this is for school, correct english is 'Franz said, readjusting his position on the small cloud on which he lay'

Quote:

each with a different destination in mind?” Gabriel folded his arms in disapproval and hissed in reply, but Franz didn’t seem to realize

- new para for comment about Gabriel.
'each with a different destination in mind?”

Gabriel folded his arms in disapproval and hissed in reply, but Franz didn’t seem to realize.'

Quote:

Thanks for your support,” he said and vanished on the spot.

- just 'vanished' or 'vanished from the spot'

Quote:

His mouth hung open as his eyes glided over the many people, buildings, lights, cars and smoke in anticipation.

- perhaps, 'His mouth hung open in wonder as saw the many people, buildings, lights, cars and smoke.' (there isn't really anything to anticipate as he has finally arrived)

Quote:

She turned glanced at him for split second before turning and continuing to swim through the ocean of people. Franz looked at her for a second before screaming at the top of his voice: “Why did you not apologize, young woman?

perhaps -

Quote:

'She turned, glanced at him for split second then continued her swim through the ocean of people.

Franz looked at her for a second, before calling after her: “Why did you not apologize, young woman?

- His screaming seems a bit of a sudden jump in emotion even for a mortal; for an angel it's little short of stunning.

Also, I think you need a stronger reason for God to call him back. Maybe have him in the NC for a few minutes & have a hooker try to pick him up, or maybe a drug pusher accosts him.
Or perhaps he uses his angel power to look into the boucer's mind (with microscopic vision of course, otherwise he'd never find anything so small -

) & realise he's been cheated, & the bouncer attacks him.
What you've presented makes both God & Angel seem rather prissy frail beings who have no business being in charge of things. Toughen him up a bit by making the reason for callback a bit more serious.

(Unless of course, you were trying to make them appear that way, perhaps as an analogy for the modern-day irrelevance of the Church or something. But if that's the case, you'd need to make the point a little stronger)

anetjie · 07-27-2005, 01:21 AM

thanks

i like the hooker idea

haha. I'll quickly rewrite it. Its not my intention to mage God and the Angels seem like rahter prissy, frail beings, but instead a little laid back

hehe
Thanks!

journyman161 · 07-27-2005, 01:29 AM

That would make it even more important to not have Franz screaming at the woman; that's definitely not a laid-back response.

EDIT: Also he 'screeches' a bit earlier. In fact even the reaction to Franz's wishes in the start should draw a different reaction if you're trying for a laid back image.

anetjie · 07-27-2005, 01:31 AM

lol hahah

gohn67 · 07-27-2005, 05:39 PM

Hi Antejie,
I like the idea of the story. The name Franz is great, so is the title.

Quote:

Also, I think you need a stronger reason for God to call him back. Maybe have him in the NC for a few minutes & have a hooker try to pick him up, or maybe a drug pusher accosts him.

I like this idea too. I agree with Journeyman that God needed a stronger reason to call him back. Ands the hooker idea is perfect.

Also when the bouncer takes Franz's money, I don't think that worked since it felt like you were writing in Franz's POV, so he wouldn't know if he took the wrong amount of money from him.

anetjie · 07-28-2005, 03:29 AM

thanks guys

Here I have rewritten it a little according to your comments. Please crit me

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“Oh Gabriel, how I wish that I could go to Earth and just stay there for a short while to see whether it really is as wonderful as it seems,” Franz said, readjusting his position on the small cloud on which he lay' His head was poised lightly on his hands, and his eyes glazed over with desire and wonder.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful to just see how it feels to stand in those busy streets and be surrounded by people, each with a different destination in mind?”

Gabriel folded his arms in disapproval and hissed in reply, but Franz didn’t seem to realize.

“Oh Gabriel, I wish that I could just feel the excitement that surrounds such a wonderful place on Earth. Can you imagine an angel in the city! How wonderful would it be? I’ve always dreamt of going there,” he sighed and peered over the edge of the cloud where Australia was now directly below him. “Do you think that if I asked God, that he would let me go?”

“Don’t be silly, you’re an angel!” Gabriel said quickly, shaking his head, but again, Franz wasn’t listening. “No, no, I’m going to ask him. Thanks for your support,” he said and vanished.

“Thank you Your Majesty!” Franz screeched with excitement an hour later. “Oh, this will be so wonderful!”

God chuckled and peered down at Franz fondly. “But then you must go!” he said. “Where do you wish to go? Jerusalem, where I sent my son? What about Tokyo? The city there is the best in the world if you ask me.”

“What about Melbourne Your Greatness? I would so like to see the City of Melbourne.”

“Oh yes, wise decision. Now off you go! Remember to abide by the Law of Angels. Have a wonderful holiday Franz!” And with that, Franz vanished and reappeared a second later in an isolated alley way in Melbourne. He straightened his Mortal clothes and smiled excitedly before walking out of the alley and into the middle of the busy city. His mouth hung open in wonder as saw the many people, buildings, lights, cars and smoke.

A lady wearing a very odd combination of clothes pushed past him in a hurry, almost knocking him over. She turned glanced at him for split second before turning and continuing to swim through the ocean of people.

Franz looked at her for a second before calling after her: “Why did you not apologize, young woman? So rude and evil are your actions! The work of the devil in you must cease!” A handful of people stared at him momentarily before continuing on their journeys.

Franz turned away from her and searched for something to help him know where to go. He felt slightly overwhelmed as he made his way slowly toward a tall building with pink lights that bathed the area around it. “What is this then sir?” He asked a man in a black suit who was standing in front of the door, arms crossed and nose high up in the air.
“Nightclub,” the man said shortly. “I’ll need to see some I.D to prove that you are over the age of 18,” he paused, “but, you seem to qualify.” The man laughed and pulled out a roll of pink stickers. “Give us your arm then,” he said as Franz stared at the place in anticipation. He had never heard of a place called a nightclub. “That’ll cost you twenty bucks mate,” the man said after a while, holding out his hand. Franz felt in his back pocket for a wallet and was surprised to find one. He opened it up and held it out to the man in the suit. “I am not good with money,” Franz said lightly as the man looked at him in confusion. “There, take the twenty dollars for I do not know what it looks like. The man took the wallet from Franz and eyed it hopefully. He pulled out a fifty dollar note and said, “That’s five dollars,” before pulling out three more of the same kind. “Ten, fifteen, twenty,” he lied, smiling at Franz.

As soon as Franz entered the club, a young woman wearing almost nothing but fishnet approached him, swaying her hips and whipping her hair through the air. Franz smiled at and was beginning to say “God loves you,” when she pushed him into a room and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“What are you doing?” He asked moving quickly for the door. “Oh, I’ve heard about people like you! Hookers! Well, God loves you all the same. Uh, I need to go to the bathroom,” he said and left the room in a hurry.

Once he was in the bathroom he called out Gabriel’s name who immediately appeared, also dressed in Mortal clothes. His arms were still crossed and he had a sour look on his face.

“I think that I am ready to go back to Heaven,” Franz said. “I was foolish to think that I could survive out here.” Gabriel smiled at Franz and nodded. Finally he had gained some sense!

Just as they disappeared, a short, balding man exited from a cubical, a frightened look upon his face. He looked around the bathroom quickly before heading toward the sink. He thought about what he heard and laughed. “Freaks,” he said as he exited and made for the dance floor.
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Is that okay? I still don't like it, but anyway, homeworkis calling.grrrrr

Taz · 07-28-2005, 05:52 AM

Fab story my dear friend great concept great charecter development. u rock.

ToucanMan · 07-28-2005, 08:13 AM

Very original and well written. I guess that would be the only way to address God--Your Majesty (funny).

There are still a few minor things that could be improved in the story, but then there are always things to improve in any story no matter how well polished.

gohn67 · 07-28-2005, 04:39 PM

Hi Antejie,
It's a bit better, I think the hooker scene needs to be a bit longer in more depth. As I read it I didn't get the feeling that he was uncomfortable. So just a bit more development there.

I still like the idea of the story and it is well written.

anetjie · 07-30-2005, 04:19 AM

Thanks guys!!! i shall do that scene again, but this story needs to stay super short. So what do u think i need to do before i enter it into competitions. Firstly, do you think that it is good enough?

anetjie · 07-30-2005, 04:21 AM

oo, what if i just do this?

As soon as Franz entered the club, a young woman wearing almost nothing but fishnet approached him, swaying her hips and whipping her hair through the air. Franz smiled at and was beginning to say “God loves you,” when she pushed him into a room and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“What are you doing?” He asked as a strange uncomfortable feeling overpowered him. He moved quickly for the door. “Oh, I’ve heard about people like you! Hookers! Well, God loves you all the same. Uh, I need to go to the bathroom,” he said and left the room in a hurry.

gohn67 · 07-30-2005, 12:59 PM

Quote:

As soon as Franz entered the club, a young woman wearing almost nothing but fishnet approached him, swaying her hips and whipping her hair through the air. Franz smiled at and was beginning to say “God loves you,” when she pushed him into a room and started unbuttoning his shirt.

“What are you doing?” He asked as a strange uncomfortable feeling overpowered him. He moved quickly for the door. “Oh, I’ve heard about people like you! Hookers! Well, God loves you all the same. Uh, I need to go to the bathroom,” he said and left the room in a hurry.

I like this a bit better. And it's pretty good considering you have to keep it short.

The only thing is the thing about the bouncer who takes Franz's(awesome name) money. Since Franz doesn't notice, it makes it irrelveant. And does not count as a reason why Franz would want to leave, since he thinks the bouncer is being truthful. This is probably the biggest flaw at this point in your story. Everything else works fine plot wise.

Quote:

Just as they disappeared, a short, balding man exited from a cubical, a frightened look upon his face. He looked around the bathroom quickly before heading toward the sink. He thought about what he heard and laughed. “Freaks,” he said as he exited and made for the dance floor.

This ending is good. I like it alot.

Quote:

Firstly, do you think that it is good enough?

I think it's almost there. Give it a shot. You got nothing to lose. Just work on it as much you can until you have to turn it in. Look at every sentence a million times. Make it perfect.

journyman161 · 07-30-2005, 07:15 PM

Better anitjie, but I think the point made above about the money is valid. Perhaps have him go to the bar first, buy a drink & get asked if he has anything smaller than a $50, & he realises he's been ripped off by the bouncer.
Then have the hooker approach (they'd normally wait till he showed money anyway)

It could be done in one para so wouldn't make the story too much longer.

anetjie · 07-31-2005, 02:34 AM

coolness

Thanks!!!!
I shall do that