NoWorries

This is my return to writing. I've been so busy the last few months that there has been no time for it. I know that's a stupid excuse, but my brain wouldn't let me waste any time since there was so much else to do. I have a huge test on Thursday, a paper due on Monday that is barely started, and a paper due on Friday that isn't started at all...but I had this idea a long time ago, and in the shower this morning, the end jumped out at me, obviously it needs a lot of editing, but the premise is there. Writing it, I kind of wish I hadn't known the end, until the end, but with no more babble, here is my newest story.

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LASIK for Lunch
A Short Story
By Canyon Shearer
23 July 2005
2nd Draft

“And that’s the reason I want LASIK.” Erik concluded.

“That’s a strange reason compared to most people.” replied Anne, sipping her coffee cup, “Most people want to be able to see the alarm clock in the morning without finding their glasses first, or to be able to see in the shower.”

“I hate it when people say that, it’s so cliché. They heard someone say it, and without thinking, adopted the idea and parrot it every time Lasers or Keratotomy is mentioned. No, if they thought it through, they’d realize that those aren’t reasons to want LASIK at all.”

Anne traced the rim of her coffee cup with her finger, “I don’t know, those sound like good reasons, and especially when you just wake up, it would remind you that you could see, and besides, everyone says it.” She emphasized everyone.

“I suppose that is a good reason, if you weren’t reminded of it, the novelty would wear off. What I’m saying, though, is that my alarm clock has two-inch digital numbers, and it’s a foot away from my bed, I have no problem seeing it when I wake up. And the shower, who really needs to see what they’re doing in there?”

Anne smiled, almost to the point of embarrassment. The waitress refilling their mugs broke the moment.

“But if you wanted to wear your contacts or glasses in the shower,” continued Erik, ”all you would have to do is make sure you don’t get them wet or use water hot enough to fog them over. Those aren’t things that crossed my mind when I made my LASIK appointment for next week.”

“I still think it’s eccentric that your number one reason for a twenty-five hundred dollar surgery, is so you can see the boat while water skiing. Isn’t the experience about skimming across the water with the wind in your hair and the spray of water?” She sipped her coffee.

“That is the reason, you’re right, but actually seeing the boat, the scenery, and the other boaters, that would add so much to the experience.” Erik said enthusiastically.

“Couldn’t you just wear your contacts or glasses like in the shower?” asked Anne with a wry smile.

Erik set his coffee cup down and leaned back in the booth, “I lost a pair of eye-glasses jumping off of a stopped speed boat, you couldn’t possibly keep them on if you fell at fifty miles an hour, they’d be gone forever.”

“What about those retaining straps, what if you put those on your glasses?”

Erik could tell she was toying him now. He took off his glasses and laid them on the table with a clink-clink sound. “I just don’t think those would work.”

“And contacts?” Anne continued her playful questions.

The waitress wandered by and asked if they were ready for their check, Erik nodded.

“Contacts just don’t like getting wet, it can ruin your whole day to get water in your eye while wearing contacts.”

The waitress was fast in getting the check, after all, it was just two coffees. It rustled as she set it on the coffee-stained table. Eric handed her a five-dollar bill and asked her to keep the change.

“So you’re paying.” stated Anne.

“Yes.”

“So this is a date?” wondered Anne out loud.

“I was hoping so.” said Erik in his quietest voice.

“I was hoping so too.” returned Anne.

Erik smiled and slid across the seat to help Anne up, but she was too fast.

“Here Passport,” she cooed, and her Black Lab sat up.

Anne grasped his harness in her left hand. As Erik helped her out the door, he gently took the other.

Chris Miller

Helllo No Worries,

What a terrific story. Interesting, nicely paced, very believable.

But the ending is what really got me. I don't recall ever having been so surprised by one. It was beautiful. I was stunned, but in a quiet, gentle way.

I only spotted one little typo. I almost hate to mention it, lest it spoil the mood you have just created.

in=it


Superb piece. Thank you.

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gohn67

Hey No Worries,
This is a good story. I liked the dialogue, and it was effective and realistic.

The ending is also good and fits with what they're talking about. I missed it the first time I looked it, then I reread the end and got it.

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NoWorries

Thanks for reading.

Now that I've had some time away from the story, I can look at it from a readers perspective and I have a lot of little things that I want to do with it.

It's nice to know that it shocked you as much as it shocked me when I came up with it.

eggo

Very nice story Noworries.

It was seamless and hide the surprise very well.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

Wyndstar

This is one of those stories that I've always wanted to write; a sweet, real human experience where the actions are so subtle, so natural, its unconscious but you're aware and flow along with it instead of just reading it. It isn't boring or lame or rushing to reach a point with bells and whistles, it just IS. It is without effort. Its wonderful.

I'm squirrling this one away with the one about Chris' birds, Penelope's poems and eggo's deal with the devil (the one he just wrote) to name a few. Thank you.

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zaoshang

Excellent use of dialogue. Very nice the way you managed to avoid dialogue tags and denote emotion by focusing on small details, such as:

The characters feel alive and true. The twist in the end makes this a very beautiful story.

Punctuation may be a bit rushed. A semicolon or a period would go better than a comma before "Eric":

The same here, after "the check":

It's better to use a comma instead of a period before the dialogue tag:

The same here, before "said Erik":

Great job. Keep it spinning

NoWorries

Thanks again everyone.

Zao, I've rewritten the two sentences you said felt rushed three times each, and I'm still not happy with them, I'm glad you're not happy with them either. Those are good suggestions in breaking them up with more than a comma, and I am going to do just that.

As for the punctuation, for some reason I felt like that was the right thing to do in this story. I felt like the period kept their dialoque succinct, I'm not sure if you read it the way I was hoping I'd written it. I was very careful to make sure the whole story matched that incorrect style so it didn't look like a mistake, but now I'm looking back, and I missed a few. I'm kind of attached to it, only for this story, but if it's detracting, perhaps I should remove it.

Thanks for reading and the worthwhile critique.

Achilles

That was great, I really enjoyed it. The ending caught me by surprise, and I needed to reread it several times to understand it in its entirety.

There were several run-on sentences in there, or commas when there should have been other sorts of punctuation. There were also a few unneeded commas.

All of the commas in that section need to be either periods, semi-colons, or dashes.

That was also a run-on sentence. Many of the commas could be taken out, or changed to periods.

That comma is unnecessary.

Overall, I thought it was a good read and made me think. (Something I'm not accustomed to doing.) Good job.

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The Palace Flophouse

When Newton closed his eyes beneath a tree
and took the apple from the serpent, he
conceived the urge of humanity, plea, plea,
procreant desire and tendency.

Viqto

Hmmm, this is a tough one from a critiquing stance; I mean, everyone's already said what I thought had gone askew from a very solidly written work.

The one thing that was a little awkward, for me, was the opening. I really had no idea what LASIK is. I mean its good that you stated it the way you did; because in a real conversation they wouldn't state 'LASIK eye surgery' if he'd already had been talking about it. Other than that and the above mentioned items, I thought you nailed it.

I especially like the twist ending. And after rereading it, the questions posed by Anne really came into a new light. It fit with her character very well simply because she could have been blind from birth or made blind later. The prior would make more sense, seeing as how she wouldn't have a memory of it to fall back on and miss, therrefore wouldn't understand why he'd pay the money....you see where I'm going with this (god I'm a talker ). Very nicely done, No Worries. =D>

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