magikpumpkin

argh! i wanted to use Times New Roman in italics because it looks so much better than this but the idea is to show it's handwritten and it's a letter. I think this might be the opening chapter of something bigger but i think this could stand a little more powerfully by itself. So let me know what you think!

Honey,

I can’t tell what it must be like back home. I can only imagine being there, right there with you, holding you in my arms, gazing at that deep inky black canvas with all those pretty fireworks whizzing and flashing and sparking rainbow colours all over above and around you. No, I can only imagine, since you’re at home where I should be, I know! But I’m still here, missing you and wishing I was there with you. Been counting days and weeks with my own hand crafted, (no, lovingly hand crafted!) flint-on-some other kind of stone calender I made. So that’s how I know it’s the 5th of November, Fireworks Night, where you are hunny. Well it’s not nighttime here baby, I don’t know what god-damn time zone I’m in! And there’s no colourful wonders splashing across this sky, but then again I’m not looking just there.

Let me tell you what I can see…

…I’m sat on the tallest, or nearly the tallest hill I can find, and I can just see for miles honey! It’s fabulous! I’m looking over this gorgeous tropical pool, extending further and further away and somewhere there’s a horizon I just can’t make out where it meets the sky. I keep blurring my eyes and imagining the ocean has no horizon and keeps going on and on and expanding out and out and out forever, until I see a cloud of course and then I try and imagine it’s a whale or something for a while, but then my eyes focus and it’s like zooming out from a fuzzy blue nothingness and everything crushing into intricate detail! And colour! I’m seeing aqua, turquoise, golds, rich deep emerald greens, hazy sandy whites and yellows and saphire and rubies, all mixed together but defined separately like fruits in a salad bowl.

And the waters mezmerise me here, darling. You know you always talked fondly dreaming up those golden white beaches with the clear crystal-clean cool shallow waters gently caressing your feet under, inbetween the sand? Pearl streaks of light glowing silently through it’s delicate surface? It’s all here darling! But it’s nothing without you.

I can’t enjoy all this fully when you’re miles, maybe hundreds or thousands of miles away. It’s like a motor to drive with no one to drive it, a watch that ticks but tells no one the time, a perfect pint with no one to drink it! Actually best not mention beer; there’s no bar here that’s for sure!! There’s nothing here except me, the sea, the birds, the “shhh-shhing” of the coast, the occasional white men in coats walking around and this island around me like a giant multicoloured lily pad floating in the middle of a blue liquid world. I wonder about time but since I lost my watch I haven’t worried that much about it, just making sure I keep knowing it’s Tuesday in my mind, today, and it’s day 415 honey and I haven’t stopped missing you, not one bit.

I hope you’re well, I hope this letter gets to you, I hope you somehow, somehow got my other ones. I hope I’m not going insane and that do exist and that I’m not hallucinating. One thing that does amaze me other than everything around me is this pen and this pad of paper; they haven’t run out ever since I landed here. Heck, I’ve even forgotten how I did get here now! Haha! But I hope you’re alright and I send you my love from these strange distant places.

Forever love,
Charlie


I didn't expect it to end up twisting it like that, but there you go! I kinda like it, it leaves a lot of questions for me to work on. Let me know what you think!!

ToucanMan

Good story, but a maniac writing long hand should make more grammatical and spelling mistakes.
I liked it. Keep going.

__________________
"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."

Chris Miller

I liked it too. I think it works well as a short. If you decide to expand it, you will need to expand it into something else, to redsign it. You will not be able to just extend it.

The ending was a surprise, and handled subtly enough. It might be nice to see a few more of his memories, how he got into the situation. Perhaps this contradicts my first remark.

I wouldn't fret about the font. The writing carries it.

There are a few minor grammaticals like missing commas. I like the UK vernacular.

Chris

__________________
the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

gohn67

Hey Magic Pumpkin,
I'm not sure if you could expand this into a novel or something. It's going to remind me too much of the movie castaway. And the only reason is becuase that's teh only trapped on a deserted Island that I can remember seeing. But there was this great Stephan King short story about this doctor on a cruise ship, who gets stranded on a deserted island after his cruise ship sinks or something and he ends up amputation his arms and shit. Awesome story....

Anyways the reason why I don't think it would work as long novel is becuase there's not much variation you can do with the trapped on deserted island idea. Unless you can think of something really creative, if the story becomes a novel or something longer, I fear you will have to get into the cliche elements of this type of story. Finding food, trying to escape, etc.


I like this piece as a short and I think it works alot better that way.

Hilarious. I like this type of semi twisted humor.

At first I thought you meant he was seeing miles and miles of honey...

But I realised that was not what you meant. So comma after miles.

Also sat = sitting?

Missing word here it seems.

There are a few punctation and grammar mistakes but since this is a letter, I guess it works, but some of the missing commas does create some confusion on the meaning. See above ^-the honey thing.

I like the twist at the end, that was pretty good.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog

magikpumpkin

hey cheers for replying. Gohn man im not sure if you got the lil twist in there enough. I was trying to be very careful, maybe a little too subtle in crafting it, but it's not really a deserted island this character's trapped on - it's where he thinks he is. I think Chris before you sussed it.

I'm not thinking of expanding this actual piece here; this'd do as a weird intro or initial chapter or something. The plan is to reveal through other viewpoints that he's in a nuthouse or insane asylum/institution, whether he's actually mentally ill, mad or being drugged i have yet to determine. Actually now i think about it, i want to keep the audience guessing why he's there and then expose a bigger story.

Maybe if there's more accounts from this character Charlie's own imaginary false reality, then i'd have to be careful not to use the cliches you mention, yes. I think there's a few grammatical things i need to have a look at. My spell checker's gone on Word so if everything's spelt right i'll be amazed!

gohn67

Doh! I thought he had gone crazy on an island... I like the real twist better. Now that I know what it is. Look forward to more if you are going to continue.

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog