Compassionate Conservative (2179 words—NOT POLITICAL) - Writers Forum

Hodge · 07-17-2005, 03:51 AM

Missed it.

ToucanMan · 07-17-2005, 06:55 PM

Really good story; although, somewhat didactic.

I hope you don't mind my pointing out a few minor things that could improve an already good story.

"A humanoid looking creature sitting at the president’s desk."
This fragment could be fixed by replacing "sitting" with "sat" --
A humanoid-looking creature sat at the president’s desk.

went in to the kitchen -- in to=into

"S.S. agents" -- I think "Secret Service agents" reads better. Or perhaps it was done purposely: German SS = American Secret Service (S.S.)

"He seemed to feel no discomfort when people on hurt themselves on it," -- the meaning of this phrase is unclear.

scot free -- scot-free

I think that your overuse of the exclamation point (!) detracts from the story.

I like your last paragraph even if I hate its meaning. I would take away: "Not even if it's true." Let the reader figure that out.

Chris Miller · 07-20-2005, 02:38 PM

Good story. I’ll try not to repeat anything Toucan said.

Quote:

All I know now is that the aliens aren’t what they at first seemed to be.

This drop into the 1st person is a little jarring.

Quote:

He seemed to feel no discomfort when people on hurt themselves on it

extra “on”
Fun read. Have to agree about humans.

Supreme Radness · 07-22-2005, 01:02 AM

I also liked this. I am a little tired right now so I am not good at pointing out details, but possibly lose the "almost everyone on the planet saw the alien speak" part. It is not a big problem, but was jarringly untrue for me so it knocked me out of the story for a moment. (even the percentage of people in the developed countries who are all watching tv at a single moment is low, without even considering how low the percentage of people who even have the capability to own a tv is) Not trying to inject my own ideas into your story too much, but possibly try having the alien use his empathy to communicate to everyone on Earth psychically. It would be nice and ironic, considering his way of letting everyone know how they have judged humans would be an example of the ability we lack in motion. Pretty funny. Try adding a little quirk to this by describing how the humans can "feel" the aliens disgust with the human species, so the pain he feels looking at us can be dished out a little more evenly. Great idea. I hope to see it in its final form.

Tim

Hodge · 07-22-2005, 01:20 AM

It's a rough draft. The rough draft, actually. I typed it up last weekend after deciding to take a random idea from my notebook to work on and haven't touched it at all since.

Thanks for the comments, if I ever get around to revising this I'll probably post it up.