marl

“Last night, I was riding home from work on my unicycle. It was a warm summer night. The moon was amber from pollution in the air and almost full. Roman street carried me to the top of Barbarian hill, and from there I could see the moonlight glistening on the lake below the city. I stopped to catch my breath and brought out the flask of bourbon from my backpack and took a couple swigs from it. It was a beautiful and still night for a city of 600,000 souls. It was late, somewhere between 12:30 and 1 a.m., but it seemed quiet even for that time of night. I had another pull from the flask and decided to have a smoke, take in the rare serenity of a beautiful and peaceful night in the city. The cherry burned to life as I lit it. I inhaled deeply.

I heard a siren then and saw flashing lights coming up the hill. It was an ambulance coming straight up Roman, swerving in and out of the lane. It went past me at probably 40 or 50 miles an hour and then slammed on the brakes and started to back up. I didn’t know what to think and was a little concerned because it seemed so unusual for an ambulance to be driven so recklessly. The ambulance pulled up beside me and stopped, the sirens still blaring. I could see someone in the drivers seat with a baseball hat on. The driver just looked at me and I could faintly see facial features; eye sockets, nose and teeth grinning, all reflected in the dim green dashboard lights. Then he sped off, peeling out in the street like the General Lee, and threw something out of the window before disappearing down a side street. I got on my unicycle and pumped down the other side of the hill, trying to control the speed of the unicycle with the pedals and leaning back into the hill to control my balance. It was a small handbill that lay in the street. In large, bold gothic script it read: 'We will kill the president! We are killing the messenger! We have killed their morale! Join the meek, the oppressed, the needy, the moral and rise up against the enemy!' There was a silhouette of a man with a machine gun raised high in the upper right hand corner. Then, below it there was another message written in pencil, saying: 'We don’t believe in absolutes, if you don’t either get out now and head to the hills. There are like minded people in the foothills of the Mountain. Good luck...' The streets were still, a strong sense of eeriness was setting in and I had never been more confused.

An hour had passed with no signs of life. The wind blew newspapers in the streets like tumbleweeds. Headlines like, “90 die in bombing,” “Government accountability at all time low, approval rating remains high,” “Questions averted; Truth deferred,” rolled up and down Barbarian hill, bouncing off parked cars and massing in doorways. I realized then there was another fight going on and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I didn’t even want to watch the movie about it.

I was wandering around on my unicycle, thinking of good and bad, right and wrong, us and them, and riding it better then ever because I wasn’t thinking about it. I was acting without conscience. Then I remembered the handbill and what it said. The language of the gothic print was so commanding and simple and yet I knew from what I heard on T.V. that our leader used the same kind of language. It was absolutes fighting each other. Who would win this unwinnable battle? The streets were so empty. There was so much space and it was calm and warm. I figured I was in no man’s land. I was all alone and for the time being I liked it. I laid down in a patch of grass and waited for dawn. Pretty soon the sun rose and people were moving around again. Cars massed in the streets and didn’t go anywhere.

Last night seemed like a dream. But I know it wasn’t.” I ordered a beer, lit another smoke and looked through the window of the bar to see my unicycle chained to the bike rack outside.





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any and all comments appreciated. i think i get a little screwy with grammer and punctuation sometimes. let me know if you see any problems with anything. thanks...

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

Xeen

Wow. That last paragraph really got me. Well, I thought it was deep, anyway.

Actually I thought the whole thing was very deep.

Of course it could use some polishing. I'm no expert (I've said ti before and I'll say it everytime). Iron out your paragraphs and it will be easier to read.

That's all the helpful advice I have for now.

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http://www.resirem.com
extensiveness in a random sort of restricted way. *shrug*

marl

are the sentences a little choppy? Thanks for the reply, but could you be a little more specific about ironing out the paragraphs? marl

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

Xeen

i didn't think the sentences were choppy... as for paragraphs, for example, the 2nd one needs to be broken up some. i could do it for you to just show how -i- would do it, if you like.

sorry i'm not too good at explaining things... i'll get better at this.

oh, and the title needs work...maybe just keep it "empty streets"?

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http://www.resirem.com
extensiveness in a random sort of restricted way. *shrug*

marl

I would like. Please show me what you would do. thanks... marl

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

gohn67

Hey Marl,
Is this an excerpt? Or is this it?

Nice way to start the story. The unicylcle is an interesting detail.

Back pack = one word.

The story was interesting, with the guy in the ambulance and the the flier he threw it out. I want to know what happens next though.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

marl

Hi gohn67,

I think of it as more of a "day in the life" kind of thing. It would be fun to expand on though. It was a way to explore the feeling of trying to find a right and wrong and make choices in regards to the current world/war(s) situation. Thanks for the comments. marl

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

Chris Miller

I liked the political flavor and message. The prose felt good and errors did not leap out at me.

Not sure why you begin with a quote.

Do you mean cheroot (instead of cherry)?

Might split paragraph after "below the city" and again after this sentence, and again after "time of night." Split the descriptions and the actions into separate paragraphs. Not bad as is though either.

But this one definitely need splitting.
I have found that thinking about paragraph organization has helped me also organize my descriptions and actions better, instead of interleaving them and using redundant phrases.

Hope you didn't mind the suggestions. This is a nice story.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

Xeen

Thank you Chris, you took the time to do what I wanted to do but was too distracted to do LOL

Sorry Marl :-/

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http://www.resirem.com
extensiveness in a random sort of restricted way. *shrug*

Sir_Satoshi

=D Oh, hey. I like this.

I'm not quite sure what to comment on, though... I think it would be great to know what happens next. ^_^

By the way, Chris, when he said "cherry", he was referring to the lit part of the cigarette. =D

marl

Chris, thanks for breaking the paragaph up. Yeah, "cherry" is the lit part of the cigarette. It's probably slang er something, I don't know. Thanks for the comments... marl

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The two men became suspects in the duck's disappearance after depuites realized that the two lived next door to the duck's owner, Detective Troyer said. Investigators believe the men hit the duck's head with a hammer, let a dog bite at it and pulled it's feathers out. Eventually they ate it, Deputies said.

semtecks

Wow, that was a strange story, strange in a good way, it makes you curious, it makes you want to find out more. A man smokin a cigarette while riding a unicycle and drinking alcholol from a flask, in the background something very sinister is going on . . . maybe world war three.

I'm going to read it again.

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http://semtecks.bebo.com