|
Grief, love and life
The sun warms my arms as I swing the garden gate closed behind me. Alfalfa trots along by my side his black coat shining from the rays produced by the sun. Dust stings my eyes as a four-wheel drive rounds the bend passing me, stirring up the gravel road beneath it. In the distance three lushes green hills are visible, on one is perched a little, white weatherboard house it’s paint flaking off, its windows smashed from local vandals. I use to often go up to that house. I don’t go any more; I wouldn’t be able to bear being there alone. I have vivid memories of riding my bike to the bottom of Mrs Lancaster’s drive before racing Dan my brother up to the top. When reflecting back on this I can feel tension in my legs as though I were on that bike right now. I sigh, wipe the few stray tears from my eyes and turn away. I’m not up to it today, I’m not up to thinking about it, I’m not up to feeling the emotions that remembering back brings. I turn my attention back to the task at hand buying mum some milk and dropping eggs off to the Brown’s. Mum loves giving away our eggs, being just the two of us means we have a lot more to spare than we did in the past. The Brown’s have to be the loveliest family I have ever met. They are there for me when others arn't. It’s through times of trauma that I believe you find your true friends. I shudder as I think back to how Kirra treated me when my brother died of Maningercokle and Mrs Lancaster had her heart attack minutes after being told of Dan’s death. She’d avoided me completely and still does. Were as others who didn’t necessarily like me all that much were able to send their condolences, some even hugged me yet my best friend just closed herself off to me that hurt like hell and still does.
“Hey dear how are you”
“Doing better” I lied forcing a smile.
“That’s good” Mrs Brown said embracing me.
“Mum wanted you to have these” I say handing over the eggs.
“Oh that’s lovely, thanks dear Jeremy is out the back tending to Cassie”
Jeremy brown is exactly a week older than me with spiky black hair tipped with blond. He is lean and very muscular and I have had a crush on him for as long as I can remember. Cassie is his pride and joy she’s three years old and a beautiful ride. She’s a chocolate brown horse with a great temperament.
“Hey how are you” asked Jeremy as I entered the barn where he was grooming Cassie for her show that afternoon.
“I’m ok” I said trying to look it.
“Right” sighed Jeremy his face revealing that he didn’t believe me.
I took a few steps forwards and pattered Cassie.
“Ok, I’m not ok I’ve lost them for ever, he’s never coming home and I’ll never see her again” I stated tears welling in my eyes. I tried to hold them off but without success. Jeremy had noticed so he put an arm around my shoulder and pulled me close.
“You’ll always have their memory”
“Yeh well that’s not enough Jeremy its not enough I need them, the real them.”
“I know you do but that’s not going to happen you’ve got to face the music they ain’t coming back” said Jeremy through his own tears that ran like a river down his cheeks. Jeremy turned me so as I faced him pulling me into an embrace.
“You’ll live I know it seems as though you wont. But every day you’ll grow a little stronger and it won’t hurt as much, until one day you can get back to normal well; at least as normal as you can, you’ll never not miss them, you’ll just miss them less. He retorted giving me a kiss on the forehead which came as quiet a shock causing my heart to miss a beat.
“I guess” I said feeling slightly perky form the kiss.
“What do you mean you guess I’m right I’m always right” he said putting on an arrogant stance and looking utterly smug, we both giggled our tears of grief turning into tears of laughter.
“How’s Linda” asked my mother airily as I clicked the door closed behind me.
“Good” I replied forcefully making my way over to her. “Cassie’s got a show this arvo I hope she wins.”
“I’m sure she’s in with a chance”
“Yeh” I said awkwardly, it always was awkward as of late communicating with my mother. She was so closed off from the world. I used to think it was my doing somehow and that she would have preferred to lose me over Dan. But that was cleared up one day when I confronted her about it. She had burst into tears embracing me so tight I lacked air in my lungs she did this while repeating “no don’t say that, no don’t say that.”
Mrs Lancaster as few new was like the grandmother Dan and I never had. My mother was adopted. I never new my father and both my mothers’ adoptive parents had died before I was born. Mrs Lancaster had no family of her own her husband had left her two years before our meting her so we were also like grandchildren to her. She even said so herself. She spoiled us with gifts on birthdays and when she felt like it. I miss her like hell. All that’s left is that rickety house on the hill that one day will probably be smashed down taking all the memories with it.
|
