rigas1980

Hello America,
i wrote a small story. Opinions please?





John quickly got into his room. He slammed the door behind with all his power. Another one time he had a quarel with his mother. He was very mad; mad with her; mad with his life; mad with history. He love an ideology, but eveyone argued with it. His mind was confused and nothing could change it. He walked towards the window; it was a traditional german window, huge enough so that light could enter the room. "I want to kill them. Kill them all. They don't deserve to live. They are all losers." he whispered. His room was full of swastigas, hitler's portraits and skinhead photos. He had joined this group of Nazi since high school because a lot of black membered gangs used to steal him.


He looked outside and relaxed a bit. The beatiful sunset, the fishing boats dancing onto the sea, the waves breaking on the rocks, the whisper of the wind, everything was imaginative. He glanced at a black fisherman who was holding a giant red lobster. The lobster was obviously dead and the black man prepared it to eat it. He was very old. About 70 years old, and very poor too.


John while looking at the black fisherman suddenly hit by a thunder. He became mad, and screamed
"Deutschland uber alles. Heil Hitler" Insanity ruled now his body.
The fisherman turned and looked at John. John went fast to his desk, opened the drawer and revealed a beretta. He got to the balcony and aimed at the man. The black didn't understand what was all about. He yelled at john "Hello there! Are you ok son?" John yelled "Heil Hitler" and shot the man from a distance of 90 feet. The bullet crashed the fisherman's brain and he fell dead into the sea with the lobster. John was happy. He smiled. He would eliminate all these races that fuhrer had ordered. No one would stop him, because it was an order.

John hid the gun and left his apartment. His mother shouted at him "Johny, come back" He took the elevator to the upper floor. He had decided what he should do. "I must do what Fuhrer wants. The russians and the allies are close enough, i don't have enough time" Few moments later he stood outside the apartment of "Aaron Iosafat." He hit the bell furious. An old man spoke probably Aaron.
"Who is it?" John answered cynical "The mailman, i have some letters for you sir. Would you mind open the door? You must sign some papers first." The old man returned
"Sure my son. Wait a moment." He unlocked the door and saw john''s beretta aiming straight in his head.
"Salom jude." John said coldly. "Salom son." John hit the trigger and the bullet wedged in the old man's forehead. He fell down dead.
"Fuhrer would be very happy if he could see me." Suddenly a small kid appeared from the apartment.
"Grandpa? Where are you grandpa?" The kid saw the old man laying down to the floor and around him a small lake of blood.
John looked at the kid with joy. "Mein fuhrer, deutchland uber alles" He grabbed the kid and got into the apartment. The kid laughed at him. He thought it was a game.
"Are you a jewish?" John asked friendly. "Yes" the kid answered with naiveness. "Tell me a prayer then and i'll give you a chocolate" john said sweetly. The small boy began singing a jewish chant.
"Semah jisrael, adonai elohenu, adonai ehod"
John put the kid in his hug. He headed towards the big balcony. He got outside. It was very high. He had now the big chance to prove his love to Fuhrer.
He lift the kid to the air and threw it down. The kid still was singing the prayer. After some seconds his body crashed on the road. John laughed at. Fuhrer congratulated him into his fantasy.
"Well done soldier. You must get the medal of honor. Your sevices to the Reich will never be forgotten"

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The_Other_Jake

Wow. I've never been a huge fan of such brutal writing. It seems like you did some serious research for this story (the German, the Hebrew, all done brilliantly) and I have to admire that. It does, however, seem to lack in description and leaves with nothing at the end. It leaves the reader, at least me, thinking the only point to come to was the reminder of the ghastly horrors that was the Nazi rule. Moreover, I had to come to that conclusion independently, which isn’t necessarily bad, but more work than I intended when I clicked the link.

Overall, a little tweaking here and there and a little enforcement on the descriptiveness would make this pop and stick in the minds of many. Good job, hope this helps.

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Chris Miller

Not bad for a 2nd language. Need to get on top of capitalizing proper nouns.

Not sure what the story is in aid of exactly. It doesn't really say anything to me. It struck me as politically cliche and gratuitously violent.

But as an exercise in a new language, it is not bad. You have skill. English will come. Think about what point you are trying to make.

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magikpumpkin

yeh yeh but i did A-level German and im not gonna nitpick at Proper nouns i could say you could say Der Fuhrer since i think Hitler's title was "The Leader" but even then im not sure about that.

It was strangely interesting. If you ever need any German translation help let me know i could be of assistance to you if you do more on this. It's horribly grotesque but strangely funny with this Nazi guy just going around killing everyone and seemingly...getting away with it. Odd, but compelling. Es gefällt mir gut mein Freund.

Lorth Undulia

A good Story from Greek Writer go on!!

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jaben

I thought it was pretty pointless. Not sure where it was going and seemed to glorify the killing a bit.

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