Puppet - Writers Forum

Xion Night · 07-08-2005, 06:00 PM

Not my best work, but I was bored.
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Puppet

A mechanical man sat in the corner of a lightless cement room. On its tarnished metal hide there lay in bold red text its identification code: P1-nocch10. The corpse of a large rat lay across P1-nocch10’s outstretched legs. The rat, P1-noch10’s only company, was unfortunate enough to have fallen into the cement room through a small crack in the ceiling. It had died of starvation three days earlier, and the stench of rotting flesh was unbearable…but puppets cannot smell.

Though the red glow in P1-nocch10’s chest was steady, and the faint hum of his hard drive constant, he knew it would not last forever. Eventually, his batteries would fail him and his light would begin to fade. His memory banks would become corrupt with age and his existence would cease to have ever been. Still, in knowing all of these things, P1-nocch10’s faith did not falter; he knew that someday his maker would come back for him. So he sat, hopeful, in the dark room, for puppets cannot think.

So in his cement prison, with the dead rat and incessant dripping, P1-nocch10 sat, knowing that Gepetto would return before he died...But puppets cannot live.

eggo · 07-10-2005, 09:15 PM

Hi Xion,

A funny little that begs for more. It did in fact pique my interest and left me wanting some more.

I didn't like the contidictory phrases,

Quote:

It had died of starvation three days earlier, and the stench of rotting flesh was unbearable…but puppets cannot smell.

here it works.

Quote:

So he sat, hopeful, in the dark room, for puppets cannot think.

Here it doesn't.

Quote:

So in his cement prison, with the dead rat and incessant dripping, P1-nocch10 sat, knowing that Gepetto would return before he died...But puppets cannot live.

Here it barely works.

I know what you were trying for and it was close. I would try re-writing these passages as they are the linch-pin of this story.

Thanks

gohn67 · 07-11-2005, 12:59 AM

Hey Xion,
I agree with Eggo, a lot contractions.

Also alot of repetition in first paragraph. Like Cement Prison, and the name of the robot.

At this point it doesn't work for me.
I see sort of what you're trying to do. It's a spinoff(not sure if that is the right word) of Pinochio with a sci fi twist.
But it something about it doesn't work for me. I've been sitting around thinking about it, but can't really put it together.