A/N: I wrote this just for fun and no real purpose, if you have ever been to
www.gametalk.com you will know exactly who these people are except for a few. Of course this is about my friend Jordan and myself as we go on wild and wacky msihaps and adventures... its still WIP this is just the first story in the series. I am a member of chat tell you... so look it up in urbandictionary.com or join the group at msn. No offense to any of those who actually like Lord Denida if there are any out there, but he banned me and therefore must suffer under minor instances of libel.
All was quiet in the headquarters of the pointless forum. Besides, of course, the murmuring that accompanied each person who passed ‘Admin’ Excellfire’s cubicle. But who wouldn’t, after all she had banned Denida three days previous.
Denida, ex-co-moderator of the pointless forum was a tyrannical man currently under the employ of McDonalds; he once had influence over many. He only had to ban Excellfire first.
Excellfire thought while rhythmically blowing over her hot tea, he will come back, I know he will. Just before she could finish her last thought, a blaring siren went off and the staff was summoned.
Inside the conference room there was a blonde man with a receding hairline, who she immediately recognized as Mike, the head of the mod department. But what could be so important he would be let from his cell block? They would soon find out…
“Hmmhm,” Mike cleared his throat, “We have some urgent information. Recent intelligence suggests Denida is raising an army to ‘snuff out’ the pointless forum. We believe his main target is the life server, which his housed in the lower catacombs.” For a second, she thought she saw Mike look straight at her.
“So, we are deploying an expeditionary team to go after Denida himself. Excellfire, you will lead, have your team ready by Friday.” Excellfire glumly nodded…
… Meanwhile, back at the mansion, Denida was inspecting his army, “Yes…” he said in more of a hiss, “it seems as if we are ready, suit up!” The drummer struck up a lively tune and the whistle of a fife sounded. Then the long violet3 dragon started its journey.
“Wake up!” a screech from behind the door resonated.
“I’m up, I’m up,” the boy said with a sneer. He walked over to his chest of drawers and threw on some slacks and a t-shirt. He wandered downstairs to breakfast and helped himself to some toast. “So, what is planned for today?” he drawled out emphasizing ‘today’.
His sister immediately threw him a look as if to say, do you dare ask? He shrugged this gesture off and returned to his toast. His attention was averted, however, by the clanging of a mail slot. He ran to the door, sifted through and found what he wanted, and began walking to the kitchen, absentmindedly tossing the bills into the fire. It seemed as if he noticed a second later and glanced back, seeing the ashes falling off the grate, assuming it was a sprint bill.
He soon forgot as he turned to his own piece of mail, and a return address from the pointless forum headquarters must be serious, he thought as he fetched a letter opener and pried it open. It read:
‘Dear Sir:
You have been selected by the pointless forum to be on an elite expeditionary team to seek out and destroy the remnants of Lord Denida, while we cannot disclose his intentions at this time, we may inform you that this is very important and we urge you to join us…
He can’t be back, not after well oh well…
… You must report to the forum headquarters at once.
Sincerely,
Excellfire
Department of Moderation’
That was all he needed, with a flash he grabbed his cloak and set off to the pointless forum. Elsewhere, six others were doing the same, they did not know, however, that one of them would not return unscathed.
Five Hundred Miles and a Holiday Inn later…
The lobby of the pointless had its usual bustle and familiar faces dotted the landscape. One prominent thing missing, though, was the fear of Denida on the people’s faces. No longer were they threatened with empty calories, boring chats, or frayed copies of ‘The Giver’. He proceeded into the conference room where several others were waiting. He recognized some but others were strangers, as he looked around the group he saw his fellow teammates: Jeeves, McCaffee, a little team of Googles (expected for riding or search and rescue missions) and Jordan; however, there was also a cloaked figure who was muttering nonsense Shaq Fu sequels under his breath.
Excellfire strode in, took a look around and gained a puzzled look. “Where is Roger?” she asked, still looking around. And as if on command a tall man with stringy gray hair bustled into the room, accompanying him was a short, kind looking old lady.
“Hey Excellfire, is it ok if I bring this here Judy?” the crazy man asked.
“Sure, Roger. Take a seat.”
“Hey Judy, what are we here for?” the delusional old man inquired.
“I’m not Judy, Roger.” Excellfire replied letting annoyance slip into her voice.
“Shut up, Judy…” Roger said glumly.
After a long discussion of the mission, Excellfire made a closing speech…
“I have picked you because you are the best in your field. Jeeves, you’re good at well… finding stuff. McCaffee, you have impeccable firewalls. Shawn, because of your extreme obsession with ellipsis. Jordan, because you know the dangers of Lord Denida, and have faced his followers before. Roger, because of your stupidity and your dependency on Judy. And last but not least, King Edwards…” there was a collective gasp in the chamber, “… for he is the ONLY black belt in Shaq Fu.” And with that, there was murmuring in the throng but Edwards could be clearly heard.
His voice became deep and indifferent; he seemed to be looking far off. “Super Shaq Fu Turbo 14: The Land of Colors: The battle that did destroy the universe. Super Shaq Fu Turbo 15: Rise From the Grave: Everyone Returns.” Excellfire looked a little frightened.
“He just made a prophecy, kind of weird, except it seems he was coming up with useless sequels to Shaq Fu, which brings the total to forty-two… now normally I would think this was a joke as I am sure you do now but I have seen him do it before.” Edwards began to stir. “What is it Edwards?”
“Its…Its… Its not forty-two, its seventy-three…” and then he passed out.
Excellfire looked sadly at the floor, “Well I guess we lost a team member.”
“Yea, Judy, I didn’t like this here person anyway.”
The team trained for months and when they were finally able to invade Denida’s mansion, they were a formidable force. Jeeves honed his skills to perfection, he could find anything in a matter of seconds, McCaffee could build the strongest firewall, Shawn could control his use of ellipsis and only used them for pauses, Jordan could wield binary like no other, and Roger and Judy were very skilled in Kung Fu. The Pointless Council decided it was time for the invasion and they suited up, they were now in the lush forests surrounding the mansion, and ready to get inside.
“There are n00bs at the doors, but we won’t be able to get passed, there is a rogue moderator also. We need to go underground into the sewers and then up into the mansion. Everyone got that?” at everyone’s nods she said, “Good, let’s go.”
They carefully opened the manhole using a blast of binary and they went into the mucky sewers. Rats gnawed on the cables above and occasional patrols would come around, which they would knock out with some Kung Fu. They came upon the entrance to the mansion, a staircase, which was guarded by many of the hooded followers, and one un-hooded follower. It was Seph, one of the most feared moderators in the land. They began to discuss their options.
“We can’t get passed with Seph there, it would be suicide. McCaffee, build a firewall across to the stairs so we can get up.” McCaffee nodded and did a cliché tuck and roll over to the stairs.
“Configuring,” he bellowed and a firewall was built, brick by brick, over to the staircase. The rest of the team followed until an ear-shattering blast came from the firewall and Seph stepped through.
“No one makes fun of Denida,” and a blast of red came from no where, which luckily, everyone dodged.
“I’ll hold him you go on,” McCaffee yelled under the ensuing noise. And the rest of the team obeyed, just when they heard…
“Is that all I can help you with!” and McCaffee’s lifeless body lay limp on the ground.
“They know the killing catch phrase, were doomed.” Jeeves was jittery and running around.
“Of course you are,” they heard a raspy voice coming from the stair well.
“Seph,” Excellfire said sneering, “only you would do something so terrible.”
“And now it will be you… Is tha” he was cut off by someone else…
“CHAT TELL YOU!” he was hit blunt on by a blast of green and he crashed into the wall. As the dust settled, they could see Jordan standing there with his hand still raised, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Get going, we don’t have all day.” And as they were walking around Seph’s body, Jordan said, “You’ve been told. That was a dis.”
The team ran up the marble staircase and bust through a door which was undoubtedly that to his den. What they saw kept them speechless, a giant TV spanned the length of the room, a spiral staircase spanned the height of the room and a lone chair sat in the middle of the room. The chair spun around and Denida sat there. Wasting no time he pressed a button and an extremely pale white light spun webs around the chamber, and it was followed by the sounds of thousands of freight trains, or so it seemed. And when the light dissipated Denida was gone.
“Where could he be…?” Excellfire seemed to be pondering the thought. “Up the spiral staircase.” And they ran to it, but when the reached it there was a plaque that read:
The person who climbs this
Staircase will lose their life.
Jeeves pondered this for a moment and then said, “I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” And he pranced up the stairs only to be met halfway with death. The rest of the team gasped but Roger had other ideas.
“Hey, Judy, how ‘bout we use this here elevator.”
“Good idea Roger.”
And they used the elevator, and when they burst through the door all they could see of Denida was a hot-air balloon hovering in the distance. “We have to catch him, we just have to.” And the team saddled up the team of Googles and set off on a journey, to where they did not know, but they were sure when they got there, Denida would reach his demise.
Denida sat in his hot air balloon. What he could see over the snowy mountains, now, was the Pointless Expeditionary Team (PET) trudging through the beaten paths on a team of Googles. He opened up a Twinkie reluctantly and began to eat. If only, he could make it to the life server, he could stop at Culvers somewhere and get some real food, instead of loading up on empty calories.
He looked on the horizon, and all he could see was helplessness and the fear of laughter which he carried everyday. That’s why he was so terrible, if he was, they would have no reason to laugh. He had nothing left, except a giant army, the Pointless repossessed the forum on a raid the month before, but he wasn’t going to give up.
The team sat in the research center of the life server, they were looking for a way to bring about the demise of Lord Denida, but how, he was the most powerful catch-phrasist in the land and seemed invincible. A breeze swept into the room, and turned the book Excellfire was reading to the right page. “Laughter,” she exclaimed, “Laughter, that’s what we need to destroy him.” But they would not get a chance to prepare because a siren went off and the entire staff rushed to the roof.
“Denida’s army on approach, prepare for assault!” Mike shouted to the moderators.
“CHAT TELL YOU!” the lot shouted and green streaks hit the n00bs head on and the first rank collapsed. They continued this until most of the moderators were destroyed or banned and the team was left to fend by itself. They were cornered near the forest and were about to meet their demise…
“So, you think you could run, do you? Well your wrong, Denida always catches up with you in the end.” Silence ensued and on the edge of the forest silhouettes could be seen on the perimeter, one raised a hand and shouted-
“AND ALL!” and a blast of brown came down upon Seph and he collapsed, “STUFF MELTED TO THE FLOOR!” and another blast came upon an n00b.
The battle was intense and catchphrases filled the air, “Clear as mud! Cool Beans! To the office! Guys! Raaaagh! soon there were no n00bs and the new found moderators stepped forward, but a blinding white light flashed and they were gone. In there place stood none other than Lord Denida.
“So think you could get away. Not this time, Jack” he stepped forward and another flash spewed him out onto the grass, behind him was a cloaked figure, sitting cross-legged and muttering something under her breath. She raised a hand and shrieked, “IT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT!” and laughter erupted across the ground, white light spewed out of Denida’s eyes, mouth, and ears and he exploded into a million pieces.
Shawn sat up straight out of bed; he glanced at his alarm clock seeing he still had about half an hour before he had to wake up, “Why… wait, that was a weird dream.” And he rolled over and drifted to sleep.
