Deleted - Writers Forum

ToucanMan · 07-02-2005, 11:04 PM

Deleted

CandieK · 07-03-2005, 02:24 AM

Hi Toucanman,

I'm not sure -it's late right now and my eyes are getting tired- so it may just be me, but I seemed to notice a few too many "girl"s in the conversation.

I like this story. It has potential....

Just who is Danny? I hope you will post more, I'd like to know more!

I love the part about the cat, her helping the thing when she seems just as helpless. They seem to need each other.

Good work

ToucanMan · 07-03-2005, 09:32 AM

Hi Candie,
You may be right about the too many "girl"s in the story. There is a reason for that. At the time I wrote the story I was living in one of the slums of The Bronx and that is how every young girl spoke there. I wonder if it was just a fad, I haven't been there in years.

About Danny: he is Clarissa's retarded brother and Miguel's, favorite (Miguel is their father). Clarissa, being the older is, of course, jealous.

You know, I must thank you for that last comment about the cat and Clarissa needing each other, because unknowingly I had pushed Pulgas too much to the background. Now I realize that he needs to be more a part of the story.

After a good revision of the next part of the story I will post again. I really don't know how long the final version of this story will be, each revision adds a lot to it.

Thank you for your insightful comments.

anetjie · 07-03-2005, 11:10 AM

well i loved it. good job
---anetjie

Chris Miller · 07-04-2005, 09:43 AM

Hey ToucanMan,

You shouldn't confuse the number of replies you get here with the quality of your writing.

A few things deter responses to this piece:

You say you wrote it five years ago. (I have a few way back down the queue that I wrote twenty years back.) People are reluctant to critique something that has been set in stone or that contains weaknesses that you have long since overcome.

You will also find that shorter pieces garner more response, as do controversial (and even bad) ones. That is, if you call a lot of negative replies and a conversational thread, feedback.

This story is well written. I got a good feel for her character. It does not end very cleanly, but I see there is more. It is a soft and sensitive character study, almost the beginning of a novel, but a genre that will also not elicit a lot of response. Do not take this lack of response as criticism of your writing.

P.S. No way is English your 2nd language! Very mature writing for the age you suggest you wrote it at.

ToucanMan · 07-04-2005, 11:02 AM

Hi Chris,
Thank you for your wise advice. You seem to be more perceptive than the average member of this forum. I suppose I'm just too sensitive. You're right, getting responses that say or teach nothing is not important. I have cringed at comments such as "very good work" aimed at stories which are so immature that seem to have been written by children. I have read others that have been badly criticized which, in my opinion, should be published exactly as they were originally written.

I'm getting a feeling that after this post I'll be blacklisted.

By the way, Danny is a completed novel.

About your P.S. - When I started writing that story I was in my late 50's, I'm 64 now. I came to this country in 1979. I was able to learn the written language so well that when I took my GED exam I passed the English test with a 98 percentile; but if I spoke to you, chances are you would not understand me. I have probably the thickest Puertorican accent in the country.

a15haddad · 07-04-2005, 11:10 AM

Wow, 64. It's somewhat strange to know that there are people five times as old as me on these forums.

ToucanMan · 07-04-2005, 11:13 AM

Just think that one day you'll be just as old, unless you opt for the alternative.

gohn67 · 07-04-2005, 04:08 PM

hey Toucanman,

Quote:

When I started writing that story I was in my late 50's, I'm 64 now.

I didn't know you were that old. I actually thought you were alot younger.

Anyways to the story.

I really like the dialogue in this story. It comes off as very realistic to me.

Quote:

Linda rode her bike around the project buildings using the paths meant for pedestrians as racing tracks.

For some reason I like this sentenc, at first I thought it was a simile, but it's not. I like it though, just the image I get.

Quote:

"I wish you didn’t call him that!" Clarissa said sharply. She thought that Danny’s condition was nobody’s business, especially Linda’s; after all, Linda was almost as retarded as he was, in Clarissa’s opinion.

Here even though, she is jealous of Danny, she shows some compassion for him.

Quote:

Her eyes spat daggers

I like this, cool image.

Quote:

Linda giggled, turning her head to look at Don Luis, her lips forming a silent "go to hell", which she dared not say aloud for Clarissa’s sake.

You kind of go out of POV here, the part in bold. It kind of is in Lindas. But no biggie.

I'm not sure how long this story is, so take this comment for a grain of salt if this is a fairly long story. The relationship of Danny, Clarrisa, and the father, are not really shown in this section, and in a shorter piece, the title seems to indicate that this story is about Danny in someway, and he is not shown yet. Yet if this is a long piece you have time to develop that.

THis section is mostly the relationship of Linda nad Clarrisa.

ToucanMan · 07-04-2005, 04:38 PM

Hi Gohn,
Yes, I've lived a long time. Thank you for the praise.

You're right about my slipping out of point of view; it seems almost imposible to write that paragraph any other way. You ruined my day, now i'll have to find a solution.

I posted another little piece of Danny. It may give you an idea of where I'm going with this. The story is about Clarissa, not Danny as the title suggests.

You'll find Danny (continued) below.

Taz · 07-10-2005, 06:39 PM

I have to go i'll finsh reading it another time but what i read sounded very interesting i will make sure that i will compleate reading it another day.