Derek_Brown

“I’m sorry it’s come to this,” he heard her say from the other side of the phone. “I really wish it could be different, but it can’t. You know that I still love you, right Morgan?”

He didn’t respond verbally, all he could do was numbly nod his acquiescence. He did know that it had to be this way, even though he didn’t want it to be, Morgan couldn't deny the truth that it was finally done. Desperate portions of his psyche screamed at his deadened mouth and vocal cords to make a plea. To make some sort of conscious effort and stop this injustice where it stood. To do something for once in his pathetic life instead of letting what he considered the best thing to walk out on him, again.

“Morgan,” she sighed. “Morgan, are you there?”

When he didn’t reply, she said, “See, this is exactly what I’m talking about Morg. Call me if you ever get a backbone.”

With that, she was gone.

He stood there with the receiver to his ear until the open line began beeping. If only he could have cried, but he'd known this was coming for a time almost out of mind. If only he could have not simply accepted everything that was thrust on him by the world at large.

Perhaps life would be different.

Morgan always dreamed of what life could be instead of going out and living the life he wanted. He avidly watched movies where larger than life people did extraordinary things with their lives and told himself, “Tomorrow.” Grand plans with no follow through were his modus operandi and one, just as with the rest of his life, he accepted quietly with a whimper instead of a bang.

Numb hands carefully replaced the receiver into the cradle and on stunned legs; he woodenly made his way to his bedroom where he kept his other escape. Television and movies had always assured him that if he bided his time something would come just in the nick of time and change his life forever. After 43 years, nothing had and Morgan was tiring of the game. Merely the idea of it emboldened his step as he made his way.

Years before tonight, he’d seen the first vestiges of his crumbling marriage begin to take more than a cursory hold. The last few months were a tirade of bitter fights and nights wondering where his wife was. He’d taken that time and, in his passive way, prepared for tonight knowing its inexorable conclusion. Morgan had clandestinely liquidated all of his assets and placed the proceeds in an unreachable account for his son. He’d written a letter with expressed instructions on how to access said account. He took the letter and confidently walked out to the postbox, deposited it, and raised the flag.

Morgan walked back into the house, calmly poured a glass of port. After draining it and three more just like it, he pressed the barrel of his semi-automatic .45 pistol to his temple, smiled at the house one last time, and pulled the trigger.

anetjie

>>"He did know that it had to be this way, even though he didn’t want it to be this way."
Maybe you can do something better than have two "to be this way"'s in one sentence. It isn't effective.

>>" Desperate portions of his psyche screamed at his deadened mouth and vocal cords to make a plea. To make some sort of conscious effort and stop this injustice where it stood."
The first sentence here seems to just be complicated. Its hard to read and it just seems silly to me. Why not dumb it down a bit?
Maybe also, join the first sentence to the second with a ";" or as I love to use, a "..." It just flows better that way.

>>"If only he could have cried"
Why can't he cry?

Overall a good effort, but sadly not to my liking. I found it hard to read and kind of boring. Try maybe describing the scenes...or adding more character to the characters.
keep trying though
--Anetjie

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What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? I told you time and time again, you sing the words but don't know what it means

anetjie

one other thing...
i'd like to congradulate you one one thing.
You are really quite good at dialogue...maybe write some plays...if you want.
---Anetjie

__________________
What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems? I told you time and time again, you sing the words but don't know what it means

Derek_Brown

I know the world don't move to the beat to just one drum, and your opinion is valuable, however, I will not dumb it down. Someone once told me, many years ago in fact, that I didn't write for the common populace. Maybe not (I don't entirely agree) but throwing a, "5 dollar word," in here and there only serves to expand my readership's vocabulary and, I feel, is a splendid thing.

He couldn't find it within himself. Please remember that this has been something he'd been expecting, even planning to circumvent, for years.

Thanks for the critique it’s much appreciated! I have to agree, it is the product of boredom, and seems to have not fallen far from the tree. However, I partially did it as a test. There are two other shorts I've posted here, one that is ancient (and makes me wince even to look at it) and another that was written on the fly as this one was. Both have sat there with a score of views and no opinion. I wrote this, much shorter, piece to see if it would attract an opinion or two. It seems that short is the path to take. Sigh…such is war.

mememe

he didn't speak would have worked equally as well (or better?) imho

Loved this.

Fabulous...a tiny cloud and the axis on which the whole story turns.

I do like an earlier promised delivered.

I think the tone of this is set just right. It demonstrates character mood and perception.
This is what is known as a quiet piece of writing...but effective none the less.

Nice read

mememe

Derek_Brown

Thank you Mememe for reading it and giving me your appraisal, it is much appreciated.

Yeah, MS Word pings me for wordiness all of the time. An ex-girlfriend (during the death throes of our relationship) told me, "Good luck with your over-writing." I've cleaned that up and edited it for content, but the gist is still there. Though she later recanted, I still feel there are areas of opportunity in my writing.

Chris Miller

Hey Derek,

Although I could relate to this, I can't say I enjoyed it. It reads like a suicide note written in the 3rd person. Morgan's marraige has collapsed and now he wants to kill himself. Almost cliche in a way.

The weakest aspect of the writing is lack of detail and specifics. Sharing a few more of Morgan's thoughts and memories might help make him more likable and understandable, more unique, and let me care when he offs himself.

The weakest aspect of the prose is the overuse of adverbs:

"numbly, verbally, finally, quietly, carefully, woodenly, merely, clandestinely, confidently, calmly"

Although they are an okay way to cut corners occasionally or establish voice and rhythm, here they strike me as too telling, and not descriptive enough.

I hope you don't mind this sort of negative crit. I wouldn't dump it on an immature or poor writer.

Chris

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Derek_Brown

I don't mind criticism in any form, as long as it's honest.

Reducing adverbs, I'll have to think about how I would effectively do that.

My aim with these writing exercises is to get a feel for my technique and improve on it where I can. I know Morgan wasn't even two-dimensional. More like one dimensional, but he's just a symbol anyway, much like his wife. The goal was to make you see the character’s passive/aggressive nature. Did that come through?

Wyndstar

I have to say that the story was a reflection of this man's life; it went a bit on the lackluster side. I wondered if you meant to write it that way. It was a bit of a cliche without providing any illuminating insight. I'd like to have read about more than a bullet going thru his brain. I do agree with mememe about the 'tiny cloud' though. That was very strong, and nicely written.

The wife seemed the most interesting part of this. She made a nice opposite and you wrote her well, but you didn't keep her in it enough to balance out your main char.

This has good points, though, so don't take it as a loss. A rewrite maybe, but not a total file 13.

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Old enough to know better, young enough to think I can still get away with it.