LoneWolf

Oh, you didn't offend. At least not me. I totally respect your opinions. I just meant she caught all the grammatical and spelling stuff. I'm sorry if I offended anyone.

LW

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semtecks

The story was good, mostly dialogue, not cliche and believable . . . one problem: adverbs.

Sure there is. Stick around and you’ll see,” I said defensively

“Why not,” I said stupidly.

They really spoil a story when theres too many of them.

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gohn67

Damn, semteck, you beat me to it. That was what I was going to say.

I kind of cheated and accidently read some of the commetns before I read the story. So I kind of expected it, but it was still really surprising and twisted. Really twisted.

I think you got alot more tell about this story. You pointed out the things that you need to shed mroe light on. Like where did she get Aids?

I think you a bit more development of character in this piece.

But I still liked, it was a delightfully twisted idea.

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Ben

WE NEED GENDER INDENTIFIERS!

I do work with my friend, who is a girl, but I'm the one who posts around the site (Ben) so... mostly Besh is a he.

Now I know how Talia feels...

LoneWolf

I'm sorry.

You can call me a guy just to make up for it

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Ben

Nah that won't be necessary... you man



I just never thought people thought I was a girl. Oh well. You win some you lose some.

anetjie

thanks for all your critique guys much appreciated.
She got aids from...well I know but I aint sure whether I should say. All I was doing was writing absolute bullshit, no planning, no editing or proofreading...just to get some writing done.
So its not really meant to be up to scratch.
--Anetjie

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Derek_Brown

Most of what I would say has already been said. However, I don't understand why Kate had to die, or how Natalie could have extracted that much blood in one day without succumbing. I'll chalk it up to creative license and move on.

pgoroncy

I liked this one as well. Although like some of the others I didn't really fully understand it.

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Ilan Bouchard

I liked the story, but there were two major things that greatly detracted the reading experience. The first were the asterisks break. I don't think they can really be used in a short story, and so I would find another way to skip forward. Were it I writing the story, I would replace the asterisks with something like, "Kate could smell the muffins begin to heat," which implies a passing of time, which segues into the next scene.

Second was the ending. There was such a good build up, where she begins to talk about her father whilst eating childhood treats. Then in the last paragraph the whole things falls apart as the blood and AIDs absurdities are thrown in without warning. What I'm saying is, you have a good story that's destroyed by a lousy and careless ending. Of course, changing that also changes the entire story, so that's up to you, but I was greatly disappointed by this.

And there you have it. Another good story with a few kinks, but otherwise a good read.

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Squirrel

I was surprised at the sudden turn of events near the end! I truly thought this would be a drama story in the beginning, and I assume this was what you were trying to achieve. I'm not sure I like it though (the twist). I think those work best in flash fiction. As it is now, there's a lot of introduction that is "wasted," for lack of a better word. It still works though; I was definately shocked!

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anetjie

sorry guys

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Derek_Brown

Why are you sorry?

anetjie

for writing a crappy story

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Derek_Brown

Where did you see, "Crappy," in any of those posts? No one writes gold all of the time, but more importantly, opinions are like rectums. If you don't like the replies, I'd suggest that instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you take the criticism, pull out what you think or find useful, and use it in your next writing project.