ToucanMan

Deleted

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"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."

CandieK

I’m just trying to help, so please don’t be offended. We’re all here to learn, right?

Excuse me, but what ARE they? It would be clearer and sound much better if you’d use a noun in place of “thing”. If the ‘laser-thing’ is something from the future then you get to make up the name.

But if it has already been invented (which I think there is something like that hair-removal laser in use today) then do the research and find out it’s real/proper name.

Please give them names. Identifying the characters by their actions doesn’t sound right.


What I do like about this is the irony!

Hope I helped

~Candie

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-Groucho Marx

ToucanMan

Hi Candie, thanks for your review. All advice is welcomed. I'm glad that you found some good in my story. Although, you may have missed the subtlety of its humor. Or maybe it isn't there. Sometimes being too blunt detracts from a story, especially if you are trying to be sarcastic or ironic. The last one you didn't miss. I think that laser-thing and vacuum-thing convey the meaning without having to be too mundane. Yes, I could have said 'vacuum cleaner' and 'laser shaver' but, would that have helped or hinder the story? Thanks again.

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"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."

BookLover

Short and perky! Sad part is it gets over before you get into it

I agree with Candie - characters (without names) kind of get annoying to read especially when you have to address as 'formerly sleeping guy' and 'the answering man'.

I liked this sentence
And yes, the irony can't be missed

Hope to see more from you!

upennstudent

I am a stickler for history so I cannot help but get stuck at the fact that Hitler's body was burned after he shot himself in the head. The sleeping man is Hitler right? So you may want to work into your story how in the future they revive a charred lump. It could add to the humor... You may also wish to take a closer look at your tense in spots- although that may just have been me being confused about the space in time when the story occured. I would also like a name for the 'thing' objects. Maybe describing them in greater detail will add depth to the story. A good piece- I just want to see a little more meat.

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"Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket."

CandieK

You're right, there are some things I did miss. I wasn't reading into the story, that's why the 'speaking German' didn't click in my mind.

But reading it again, I do appreciate the irony of it.

all in all, good read.

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-Groucho Marx

Chris Miller

I liked this. Reminds me of a twilight zone I once saw, but funnier.

At first I didn't like the "thing" or the namelessness of the characters, but then they kind of grew on me. I sensed that this was deliberate and not the result of laziness, and I feel it worked. You convey a future where all is eternal and the same, where technology is an advanced mystery and people are kind of dumb.

Frankly, it doesn't even seem that farfetched to me.

This works for me. I think it's cool.

Nice work.

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the fairwriting blogs

Barcelona Review story: http://www.barcelonareview.com/64/e_cm.html

ToucanMan

Chris Miller, I don't think anyone had ever understood this story as well as you did. Thank you!
I must search out your stories, I'm sure I'll have a good time reading them, as I anticipate them to be top notch. Thanks again.

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"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."

ToucanMan

To all who reviewed the story, thanks. I feel obligated to say that I don't think it's wise to name any characters which one is not planning to develop in some way. Punishment is to short a story to give any kind of personality to any character unless that character is already well known, as in the case of Hitler. If anyone had had any doubts as to whom I was referring to when I spoke of the sleepng man, then my telling of the story would have failed. Thanks again

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"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."

shadowseer

I really liked this. It sounds like a Twilight-Zoneish kind of story. But i agree with Candie.

laser-thing?
vacuum-thing?

I'm sorry, but i had to laugh. My science teacher would kill you if you were in his class. He forbids the use of the words 'things' 'stuff' or 'ya know'. Ex.
Teahcer: What is bile?
Student: It's this stuff-
Teacher: Detention.

Don't use the word thing! It shows a lack of description. Say something like this.

'She dropped the gloves in a machine that sucked them up like a vacuum'
or
'She delicatley put the laser-like machine down'
Something like taht.

But other than thing, it was a pretty good story.

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The greatest irony in life is that no one lives through it. - Kurt Vonnegut

gohn67

I liked it; the ending made it good.

It's alot better the second time, when I noticed the smaller jokes.

Like the thing about the nose in the beginning.

And the square patch of mustache, Loved that.
First I was thinking that one guy, can't remember his name, but he was in silent movies.

This is a bit clunky, try rewording.

This was kind of wierd with the two answers. But I think you did this on purpose.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

ToucanMan

Gohn, thanks for the good advice. I think you're right, the sentence is a bit awkward. I'll revise it.
The name you're trying to think of is Ben Turpin.

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"A toucan can't keep toucankind ticking, but two can."