upennstudent

This is a story that I am about 1/3 of the way through. It is currently untitled:

Ellie turned the deadbolt to her apartment and, with a lunge, dislodged the heavy blue door. She deposited her briefcase in the entryway and slid off a shoe which had rubbed a sore spot on the top of her foot. The shoe added to a collection of sneakers and boots that impeded access to the living room from the foyer. Its mate soon joined the heap as Ellie schlepped across the growing obstacle and grabbed at the mail sitting atop a row of oak bookcases. Inside the entry, lay a diminutive one bedroom dwelling with full bath and galley kitchen, where presently Ellie’s husband Jack stood slicing a carrot for the evening meal. He glanced around the corner and met Ellie with a faint smile. His groggy countenance, along with a map of pillow creases imprinted on one cheek, betrayed Jack’s recently completed nap.
“I pulled out all of the bills. They are over there by the T.V.”
“Anything good?” inquired Ellie.
“Nope.”
Jack’s work as a teller allowed for greater leisure time than Ellie was accustomed. Therefore, they had agreed, Jack would prepare dinner and take a daily trip to the mailbox. Ellie looked on this deal as marginal compensation for the forgone salary of a more demanding profession. Jack, on the other hand, regarded the added chores as a trivial grief given the indispensable utility of his personal time.
The television was on and tuned to a primetime medical drama that filled the small space with sounds of urgent activity. Ellie began sorting the mail.
A home and garden book club catalog had arrived along with two credit card solicitations and a water bill. She pulled the catalog out and set it at a place of honor on the coffee table. Ellie planned to return to it after dinner, with felt-tip pen in hand, to single out her January selection. The remaining items she placed on a desk as she turned towards the kitchen.
There, alongside Jack’s carrot, was a pot of boiling water, two honey mustard chicken breasts and Jack, who remained focused on his vegetable. After a minute, eyes still on the carrot which he segmented with surgical precision, Jack acknowledged the gaze he had perceived through his periphery.
“I have been thinking about our conversation last weekend.”
Ellie hesitated, then, began to deliberate on her response. Last Sunday she and Jack had an argument. Ellie cried, Jack kicked a dent in the couple’s metal trash can and both had gone to bed with the quarrel unresolved.
All week, as Ellie drove to and from work, she pondered her situation. Ellie had never been endowed with the ability to maintaining friendships. She lacked motivation, being content as she was living inside of her thoughts. Actually, she often perceived what occurred inside to be far more interesting than what passed for life in the world around her. Therefore, when it came to her dilemma, Ellie kept to herself.
And, in typically passive fashion, Ellie waited for Jack to revisit the discussion. Now, the moment was suddenly and unexpectedly upon her.
As Ellie analyzed, Jack continued “I think we should get a divorce.”
There it was. It came as little surprise. Jack had voiced the word Ellie had not dared speak, yet, had often floated about in her mind.
In many ways, Jack’s matter-of-fact-ness had been an initial attraction for Ellie. She was twenty when they first met. He had pursued her and she had allowed it. Four years had now elapsed. Such a length of time at that young an age creates change in people. Both acknowledged that. Additionally, their inevitable drift made the current conversation peculiarly undemanding. An emotional detachment had evolved such that now, Ellie spoke as if Jack had just suggested potatoes instead of rice.
“OK” responded Ellie.
“We should figure on how to divide our belongings.”
Ellie was not any more materialistic than most. She was, however, anxious to separate us from me. For some time now, she had perceived a need to partition his artistic bent from her career minded ambition. And, for the most part, that division had occurred naturally.
Ellie slid open a desk drawer to retrieve her spiral notebook and felt-tip pen. She then proceeded to the couch. Jack turned down the stove and initiated a thoughtful pace behind their leather sofa. Ellie grasped hard at the pen and craned her neck expectantly towards Jack, prompting him to begin.
“Why don’t you just hold onto everything? I will take my clothes and CDs. The rest is yours.”
“I don’t want to do it like that. You should take half of the bookcases and the desk. We can also split the dressers.”
Although Ellie did enjoy their furniture she also felt an abrupt need for a fresh start. It seemed both hoped to wash their hands of this marriage experiment. For Ellie, unaccustomed to life without a man, she was painfully aware of her inability to wield all of their possessions. What if she wanted to move? What would she do with it all?

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"Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket."

gohn67

hey upennstudent,
I was going to read this today, but i was really busy, so I'll get to this first thing tomorow. I owe you one, for reading my story.

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The Frowning Dog Blog

BookLover

Very very gripping, upennstudent! I am eager to read the rest

I wanted a small clarification.

What do you mean by this? Was he trying to hide the fact that he had taken a short nap? If so, why? You can ignore this, its trivial

If you give more details about Ellie and Jack -- say, how they are in their workplace when they are away from each other, it would be good. IMO, may be adding more depth and dimensions to your characters would do the story good.

Waiting for the next part

gohn67

Hey Upennstudent,
So far pretty interesting; I really want to know how this is going to play out, you have me guessing at this point. Are they going to get back to together? Or not?

I liked the little bits of humor in this, like the Splitting of pocessions, and Jack's carrot. Sublte, and that's how I like it.

I like this sentence

Map of pillow creases is really good, I like it.

I don't get this. So Ellie is not use to Jack working less hours? So does that mean he use to work more hours? I don't know something bothers me about this sentence.

A more demanding proffesion? But Jack works less hours. Or are you talking about Ellie?

Also forgone, I think would equal a lesser salary and that doesn't add up with a more demanding profession, whihc I would think he would get paid more.

This out of POV. Since most of this is written in 3rd person, Ellie pov.

I hate those credit card solicitations, especailly the phone ones.

I love the use of Jack's carrot. Have no idea why but I like it.

I think this could be cut as it doesn't add to the story much. In my opinion.

Nice. I like. I like how in the story leading up to this line, you build up an uneasiness between the them.

Nother nice line.

This is great. Seems so childish of them. Like to siblings fighting over a room.

Look forward to more.

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The Frowning Dog Blog