Ben

Well, I just finished this piece, and I would like to know what you all think of it. For some reason I wrote it in first person again. Enjoy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I never really liked the way my room was decorated. There weren’t enough windows. But, as much as I didn’t like it, I could never seem to leave. I did try. Oh how I tried. Leaving seemed almost impossible.

I got a lot of visitors while being in my room. They brought me food and saw how I was doing. Sometimes they were nice, sometimes they weren’t. I didn’t know anywhere near as much about them as I should have. I mean, they were always visiting and I never really showed any interest in them as people.

I did like one lady though. Jodie. She was nice to me all the time. She was beautiful too. When I first got into my room I had tried following her out all the time, but never succeeded. I hadn’t tried following her in a long while.

The thing I hated about my room was the dark. There were no light switches in my room. Someone had to turn the lights on from outside. Quite often I would wake up and there would be no light. Quite often I would scream until someone came.

Waking up in the dark is a terrible thing.


* * *

“I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?” he asked me.

“Ok.” I replied. I didn’t even know his name.

He walked out of my room and closed the door. Sometimes I tried to follow him, but I never got too far. I sat and waited in the corner. The lights were going to go off any minute.

I stared at the wall. Its brightness hurt my eyes. Occasionally I would try to imagine what it was like on the other side. What it was like in the daylight. I hadn’t seen daylight in so long. I missed it.

Before I encountered my small problem, not a day would go by without me going outside. I was once quite fit. All the ladies loved me. But I couldn’t leave my room. No. Not anymore.

The lights turned off.

I knew there were people outside. There were always two men there. They didn’t care about me. They were there because they had to be. They hated being near my room almost as much as I hated being in it.

I didn’t get any sleep that night.

Jodie came in a few hours after the lights had turned on. She was wearing white again. She always wore white.

“Hi, Jodie”

“Hello”

She had such a nice smile. I liked her teeth. They were so white and perfectly straight.

“How are you today?” She asked me. She asked me that every day, and every day I gave the same answer.

“I’m feeling good. Much better than yesterday.”

I had said that to her the first day I entered my room. It made her smile. I don’t know why it did. But I liked her smile, so that’s the way I always replied.

“How did you sleep?”

“Very well, thank you,” I lied.

“That’s good. Very good.”

I stared at her face. She was very good looking. Her blue eyes scanned the piece of paper she had on her chart. I liked her eyes too. But her smile was better.

“I like your new hairstyle,” I said. It was different from the day before. Yesterday it was long and brown. Today it was blonde. It looked good.

She smiled at me again.

“Thank you.”

“Jodie!” A voice called from outside my room. “I need you out here immediately!”

Jodie glanced over her shoulder and then stared back at me.

“I have to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

She turned and started walking out of the room. She had left too soon. She always stayed longer. I wanted to be with her longer.

“No! Wait!” I screamed after her. I ran out of my room. The men that were there didn’t expect it. I couldn’t believe my luck! I had gotten out, and it had been easy! I hadn’t tried to leave in so long.

I saw Jodie’s eyes widen as I came towards her. I was so close to reaching her; so close to being able to talk to her for a while longer.

I stopped running.

It was the first time I had been out of my room for what seemed like an eternity. Jodie didn’t seem important now. My eyes lay on the small window that was just outside the door of my room. It was sunny outside. I saw a beautiful black bird fly to the top of a gum tree. I tried to take in more and more, but before I could the two men that were outside my room grabbed me.

They took me back in. Back to my room with padded walls. Back to my room with no windows. Back to my room with no idea how much longer I was going to stay there. I wanted to be outside with the black bird and the gum tree. The sun would have felt so warm against my skin.

I went back into the corner to wait for Jodie. Hours passed and she did not return.

The lights turned off.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did it keep you guessing? Or was it obvious

falco

This is nice! Your character's wonder at seeing blackbirds and a tree was great. As for whether I guessed, at first I thought the person was an Alzheimer's patient - not recognizing visitors and all - but the lights going off was wierd for that. So I wasn't sure until the padded walls thing.

__________________
"The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."
- Albert Camus

Ben

Thanks, falco. I tried to make him amazed at something simple and really... not amazing. Most people wouldn't think a blackbird is all that beautiful, so I thought I would use that.

semtecks

I liked this one, wasn't too sure at first, though, because stories in first person are kind of hit and miss. But this one was good.

I dont know if the ending was supposed to be a suprise. If it was, i'm sorry but i saw it coming. Don't feel bad, shock endings are very hard to pull off and i usually see them coming a mile away.

quote:I never really liked the way my room was decorated. There weren’t enough windows. But, as much as I didn’t like it, I could never seem to leave. I did try. Oh how I tried. Leaving seemed almost impossible.

The underlined sentence at the end of the paragraph seems to be a hint that is just to big to hint.

__________________
http://semtecks.bebo.com

gohn67

Hey Besh,
Yea, I kind of saw this coming from the begining, but that's because I write about psychos all the time though. I think the simplicity of the voice, clued in me in immedialty along with being trapped in a room all the time.

I think first person is perfect for this type of story, because of the internal thining that goes on. I think people want to know, or at least I do, what goes on inside their heads. You did a good job of that.

I was going to suggest that you find a better way to show her beauty, instead of just telling us that she is beautiful, but I think it works with the simplicty of the voice used here.

But I also think that she is a important character. Is she really beautiful? Or is she not? Which is why I would want a desrciption, but in first perrson the description would be bias to what he sees also, I guess.

I'm not totally sure, if this is correct or not. But maybe use "was". Just to keep the tenses consistent.
Missing punctuation

You don't have to say "that were outside my room"
since the reader already knows he's outside the room.

I liked it though.

Umm, this is one of the google ads at the bottom

__________________
The Frowning Dog Blog