Hi Anarkos, your writing is flawless. It's the little things that the proffesionals do and we miss that sets them apart from us. Some samples follow.
Quote:
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"Six hundred? Six hundred?! Next you'll be asking me to sell you mine! Five-fifty, no more!"
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Most editors frown on the overuse of exclamation points, but using more than one mark to end a sentence is absolutely anathema.
Quote:
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... the Yakuza - you can tell by their little fingers - and someone ...
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In this sentence you used "lines" in place of parentheses and that's the only correct thing to do, but you used hyphens instead of dashes. The practice is to use dashes and there must not be a space before or after the dashes. (in some computers the dash is nonexistent, so you have to use double hyphens instead)
Quote:
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... the Yakuza—you can tell by their little fingers—and someone ...
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There are other very insignificant things in the story that keep it from being great. I'm telling you this looking at your story from the point of view of the reader that I am, not the amateur writer that I also am.
