Rosalina

Okay. Real short piece of flash fiction, so it shouldn't take too long to read. I would love to have some feedback. Thanks!


Everyday, getting up in the morning was harder and it frightened him. He knew it had only been a matter of time before death came for him.

He had seen death before. One of his sons had been murdered; others killed by sickness. Still, there was a lingering fear of the unknown that hovered over him daily.

His body was decaying all around yet he still had time to appreciate the beauty surrounding him. He sat in a meadow, watching the grass and trees dance with every gust of wind.

“I’m sorry.”

His wife stood a few feet from him with sadness in her eyes.

“How many times have you told me that?”

“I don’t know.”

“And how many times have I told you that it wasn’t just your fault?”

A sad smile crept across her face. She was the only one who really understood what he was going through, because she was going through it with him. She had changed so much since he met her in the garden, yet she was still lovely.

She sat next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder.

“I shouldn’t have listened to him…”

“Shhh…” he told her softly, putting his finger on her lips.

They were silent for a moment, soaking in their surroundings.

“I still miss the garden,” she told him.

“So do I.”

“We were perfect then. Remember?”

“Yes. Perfect, innocent, carefree, and naïve. Very naïve.”

“If only...”

“No. No more saying ‘if only’. We’ve been saying that our whole lives. No more.”

Adam and Eve sat in silence, enjoying one another and one of the last days of their lives.

LoneWolf

Awww that was sooo good! hehe...the ending was surprising, in a good way. I thought it was cool the way you kept me questioning what was going on and then in one sentence you explain everything and the light goes on. The only thing I could see was,

The wording is a bit weird here, because she's not leaning on his entire body lol...it can easily be replaced with shoulder.

Great story...I liked it a lot. Keep up the good work!


LW

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falco

I like it!
One suggestion:
Don't use around him twice in the same sentence. I would get rid of the first one.

Again, nice job.

EDIT: I also wanted to question your choice of title. I know why you chose it (Adam scared of dying), but I wonder, since more of the story is focused on what he lost, rather than what lies ahead, if the title should relate more to that aspect of it. Totally your call, of course, but I wanted to mention it.

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"The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."
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waylander

That was really a nice read.
I understood nearly from the beginning that it was about Innocence lost, Adam and Eve.

Quote/
“Yes. Perfect, innocent, carefree, and naïve. Very naïve.”

This seems to sum up the whole human experience, and the ultimate worth of it. Perfection, innocence... are unreachable, hopefully.
Somebody said you like people for their qualities, you love them for their shortcomings..

Rosalina

Thanks for the feedback. I'm glad this was enjoyed. It's different then most the pieces I see around here, which I figured could work to my advantage or not.

I made the small changes. Still pondering whether to change the title. I don't want to give too much away or anything. =)

gohn67

I really liked this too. The ending was what did it for me, worked well, very effective. Had me guessing all the way.

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Rosalina

Thanks for commenting! I appreciate it very much!

eggo

A very nice twist Rosalina

It did catch me and after the second read through, I appreciated it all the more.

falco

That's very true. Good point.

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"The purpose of a writer is to keep civilization from destroying itself."
- Albert Camus

Rosalina

Thank you for your comment eggo (and too everyone else that commented before)

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Fear of the Unknown

anetjie

The twist made this really good

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spongebob squarepants

Cool twist. It made me read the whole thing again. Awsome short.

Ben

I think that that had should be would.

I really enjoyed reading this, but I kinda ruined the ending for myself because i scrolled down to see how long it was... and accidently read the last sentence! >_<

It was good though

that is all.

--Besh

lokerola

Wow, that had me guessing the whole way too. Cool story.

Rosalina

Wow, thanks for all of the postive feedback! I was unsure whether the twist worked, but it appears (from posting here and at another site) that it was a big hit.

I'm so glad all of you commented! It means a lot. Thanks!

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Unwanted Blessings
Fear of the Unknown