intoxicationofasleeper

(This is one of my latest, and one of my shortest short stories. I thought I would post it, and see what you guys thought of it. Give me your opinions. Don't hold back.)


Birthed to the Killer


I lay next to him, tracing my finger along his chest were scars dwelled. Those scars on his body were small but everywhere along his chest, cigarette burns I had concluded. His skin was the same tint as mine, but far darker and richer in health. Beauty had given him blessings, blessing of youth but damnations of a horrid life as a child.


His chest rose and fell with every breath. I kissed his lips softly and ran my fingers through his hair. He was made of wax, the body which is soul resided in was perfect. His slender arms were around my waist, my bare body against his body.


I would be hanged; I would be hanged for this sin I had committed. This was our act of love; we proclaimed that we would be together before it happened. Tears of mine touched his face. He opened his eyes, and wiped the tears away. Pulling the blanket tightly around us, he did such thing. Kissing my neck, he whispered something softly in our ancestor’s language. I couldn’t understand him; I only pulled myself closer to the warmth.


It was late, very late. We lay on the floor, with blankets underneath us and two on top of us. Truthfully, we loved each other. But love can only save two people to an extent, I heard a door shut and scrambled for my clothes. He scrambled for his, we were both resumed to what we looked like before. Our bodies still felt the sensations of each other; the sweat still was on my forehead and his neck.


She came in, the one who proclaimed his mother did. She was the cause of his scars, she was the cause for the lies he told to protect himself. She told my love that she wanted to see him; he walked out of the room slowly looking at me. She sensed it, she knew. She never liked me. She didn’t like the fact that I really loved him. She didn’t like the fact that I really cared about him.


We are both adults, just visiting back from college. She shouldn’t care, we had reminisced our child hood memories and fell back into our teenage love. We love each other, dear lady. He probably told her this so, she wouldn’t agree with his choice. She came back, without my dear love. She held the gun, vengeance in her eyes. I heard the gun click, and I froze. Pointing at my forehead, she aimed…

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"I love to sing and dance in the rain because then no one can see how hard I cry."

Nimbus

Wow! That's very good. I like the way it leaves off at the end. Now you just need a sequel... I'm joking! Sequels are never as good as the fist one.

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intoxicationofasleeper

Ah, thanks Nimbus. I wanted to aim for a weird ending, and I guess I got that. Sequels are never really good, it feels like it's drags on FOREVER! It's suprising because I wrote this short story in the middle of the night, with not a spark of energy left in my body. My friends all agree with you, they all love this story. (They're obessors now...it's scary.)

-IOAS

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"I love to sing and dance in the rain because then no one can see how hard I cry."

gohn67

Nicely written story. Somethings wrong with his mother, that's for sure.

When I read the title I thought the boy friend was a killer. I guess interpreted the title wrong.


Since I feel like this story is pretty complete already in terms of plot, I decided to point out some grammar stuff.

is = his?

Maybe take out the last body
Not sure if I like the repitition here
Not sure what you mean here. "he did such thing." ?

Reword this sentence; it is awkward.


Other than that nicely written.

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LoneWolf

Aww sad...

I agree, when I read the title and the first couple of lines of the story, I thought that they had just created some devil child and they were afraid of it. But it all worked out...or didn't...yeah...

So gohn picked out all of the problem spots, so all I can say is, great job. I liked the ending too! But I still think it was sad...the mother should burn!!

lol Keep on truckin'...

LW

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Nimbus

"Burn mommy! Burn!"
Speak you did quite backwards Yoda like it seems.

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Mindless clone turned brain dead slave of the Nerd Uprising!
Leader of U.B.W. pm me if you want to join
Silencer in the Silver Assassins
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intoxicationofasleeper

lol... I didn't really mean to speak backwards.. it just came out like that.

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"I love to sing and dance in the rain because then no one can see how hard I cry."

Nimbus

I can understand that. When we had to write sonnets i had to backwards write sentences to make them rhyme.

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Mindless clone turned brain dead slave of the Nerd Uprising!
Leader of U.B.W. pm me if you want to join
Silencer in the Silver Assassins
"Oh, please tell me we didn't do it!"-Stewie