"Do You Want to Know How My Son Died?" - Writers Forum

Peach Comma · 06-10-2005, 03:27 AM

I wrote this for class about a month ago and didn't get much in the way of criticism. The subject matter offended a person or two, but I don't think it's all that bad. Hey. Here's my story, it's pretty short.

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Thanks for reading it.

journyman161 · 06-10-2005, 04:09 AM

Excellent work. It pulled me in & held my attention all the way through.

When I got to the end, although it had been telegraphed, I could understand why he did it - he did it for love.

When I say telegraphed, I meant that as I read his feelings about the teeth grinding, I realised what was coming, but it didn't interfere with my enjoyment of your writing. (I won't say of the story 'cos it's sad & depressing to think of a life like that)

saintoflight · 06-10-2005, 07:51 AM

I read out aloud sometimes and the guy kind of didn't take a breath and to me clenched his teeth while he said everything. Very powerfull character, but what will he do with his life? I don't understand what he's living for?

waylander · 06-10-2005, 10:29 AM

I stopped reading immediately when this met my eyes :
Anyway. he died ten years ago this month... Ambrose, what a name...
I don't even remember the exact date, but I'm pretty sure...

No wonder this 'offended some people'. You write well, but you don't realize that some ways of writing may offend people. I find these sentences of yours shocking. Perhaps you may need to learn what the death of a child or of somebody close to you means to know better, although I certainly wouldn't wish anybody to.

Peach Comma · 06-10-2005, 11:22 AM

No, I understand why it might offend some people. The whole thing is this guy talking about why he murdered his son, but I always thought there was a lot more to it than that.

gohn67 · 06-10-2005, 03:34 PM

I agree with Mia, I liked this story also. Good writing too.

Definitly can see how people can be offended, and I'm just not one to get offended easily.

I wrote this story about suicide once and someone in my workshop class refused to read it so I can see where you're coming from. Just realize someone will always get offended, just write for yourself and don't conform to cliche.

I agree that this is about more then a guy killing his son. It was kind of predicatable that he was the one who killed him.

I agree with SaintofFlight, about how come George is still alive, if his life is so pitful also. I couldn't really figure that out.

journyman161 · 06-10-2005, 08:51 PM

I don't quite understand why there'd be offence here. I took his vagueness about the death as part of his condition. Yes, it seemed a little strange a father wouldn't know the exact moment, but the character was, right from the start, running a bit off-track.

And I thnk, as anyone who's been through depression or emotional trauma, he's still alive as a self-punishment. He may have done the deed as the first step when he saw the same traits in his son, now he punishes himself by staying alive.

Pendulum · 06-10-2005, 09:18 PM

I think maybe offense is the wrong word. People might be shocked or hurt by it, but it's really nothing to offend. It's a fictional story with depth, that has meaning. It's obvious you thought about it and it wasn't intended to offend anyone.

That being said, I liked the story. I feel as though the ending was a little rushed, but maybe that was intentional. I like the link between the father and the son, and how the son was just that little bit worse off than the father because he didn't have that creek to play in.

And the character of the father was, though clearly not very right-of-mind, a pityable person.

All in all, a well written story.

ville_valo · 06-11-2005, 02:08 AM

my name is Ambrose...and I'm a female....I feel a little outraged with this story, sorry but i cant help it....i do....it made me so angry and it has put me off from this site a little. it seriously just pissed me off...everything about it. nothing even ended up being explained in the end and that is such a huge turn off for me.

journyman161 · 06-11-2005, 02:14 AM

Ville, it's a piece of writing. You shouldn't let a series of words on the screen upset you so much you change your behaviour. This wasn't written to offend anyone.

Have a browse around, the variety is huge! You'll find something more to your style.

You are definitely entitled to your opinion, but it's a going a little overboard rejecting the site because one piece upset you.

Peach Comma · 06-11-2005, 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ville_valo

my name is Ambrose...and I'm a female....I feel a little outraged with this story, sorry but i cant help it....i do....it made me so angry and it has put me off from this site a little. it seriously just pissed me off...everything about it. nothing even ended up being explained in the end and that is such a huge turn off for me.

Well, that's cool I suppose. But why should everything be explained? I always thought it was kind of easy to figure out and that spelling everything out would ruin it. Is that all that pissed you off though?

Hodge · 06-11-2005, 03:57 AM

I'd say if it offends it's done its job very well.

I thought the ending was a bit obvious—maybe if your foreshadowing was a bit less subtle. But it could just be me.

Quote:

We were liars. Or: I was a liar. To her, that Ambrose died because of a hunting accident was just as true as it was to anyone else because I told her that's how he died.

This passage in particular I recommend you omit. It doesn't add to the story at all and it just prepares the reader for the ending, which I think is more effective if it's as shocking as possible. Without the passage, you still foreshadow the end (they "told" everyone they were sad and upset—implies something more sinister), just in a much more subtle way.

That was the only issue I had when reading it. I expected to be shocked and offended and really pissed off, but from the beginning I could tell how it would end. Luckily, it kept me interested by flowing very well and developing the characters in a very effective and succinct way. Good job!

ville_valo · 06-11-2005, 04:05 AM

actually, u know what? the more i read it, the more it means....the more meaningful it becomes....ur right! nothing has to be explained....i think i was just in a bad mood before, but really, that was good....i bet u that even if i read the most beautiful story ever at that moment, it would have pissed me off.....nah really mate, good job, really good.

Peach Comma · 06-11-2005, 04:11 AM

And a hug from me to you.

Thanks for all the comments everyone.

ville_valo · 06-11-2005, 04:17 AM

No worries, and I'm sorry about MY own grouchiness before....I hate being a moody bitch.

---Ambrose