strangedaze

Hey,

Great write. Critique:


What bothered me more than the not crying was how he clenched his teeth.

*the ‘not crying’ seems a bit awkward, especially in light of the succinctness of your other sentences.

But I didn't become John Wayne when I clenched my teeth. I didn't feel bigger than myself or see the forest for its trees or any of that shit. I became nothing, a big fat zero with no bloody nose and no pain in my stomach.

*I like this. Well done.

couldn't fish out of it or anything but I always had a good time damming it with rocks or drawing pictures in the mud.

*Might just be personal preference, but I’d insert a comma after ‘anything’.

Before him I hardly ever shot a thing because I'd have to get so close to anything before I could shoot it. It's not that I have bad eyes or anything, I'm just real shaky

*…ever shot a THING…so close the anything….bad eyes or anyTHING – a bit too many ‘things’.

Overall, great writing. No glaring errors. The ending was slightly telegraphed, but I think that its ambiguity overshadows that. Your last line is a jewel, too. Nice narrative voice.


Andrew

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anetjie

wow. that was really very powerful. well done, it gripped me till the end. There were a few places where i was lost, when you mentioned the names. Ambrose is a lovely name, I wish it was mine congrats !!

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shadowseer

Makes you think.

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bobothegoat

Hodge beat me to it- the foreshadowing ended up taking away from the shock. All in all, it was a very good read.

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bmroyer

great story, although I would have liked to know why he killed his son..maybe I didn't read good enough.

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Red Ghost

I really enjoyed this. You drew me in and kept me wanting to know why. Maybe he wanted to put his boy out of the misery he knew he was going to face? maybe he saw himself too much in the boy and wanted to put himself out the misery he felt. I actually think giving away the ending right at the start helped keep me wanting to know more, this story wasn't a mystery to me, it was more of a psychological(sp?) thing, I really wanted to know why the father lied, and how he got away with it. Especially if Ambrose had been shot in the back...it's almost as if the people they told never even bothered to check into it, but to just accept the lose as the harsh reality of a poor backwater country life.

I also liked the 'beauty' the father saw in the splatter. "I'm not a poet or anything, but it really looked as if autumn had started early." Almost as if he was so used to the carnality and brutality of such a scene that he looked past it, like a soldier who had seen too many battles. Blocking out the tramatic experience to ensure that what was left of his sanity remained intact.

Hmm...I didn't expect to write so much. Nice work!

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strangedaze

I don't know, lately pieces that rely too heavily on shock value seem annoying. Subtlety is better, in my opinion.

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Red Ghost

I didn't really feel shocked, I think in the back of my head I knew what was coming, nothing to me was really held back.

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Peach Comma

Yeah, I wasn't really going for a, "Oh, hey! This guy killed his son! Shot him right in the back! And it made him happy! God!"

Because I think it's obvious what's going to happen from the beginning of the story. I tried to make the draw of the story be why he did it.

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Aimless

I don't mean this in an insulting way, but seeing your signature after reading that post raised a slight smile.

This is just a suggestion, but perhaps before the father kills his son there should be some small scenario, one final straw. Maybe the son tried to be more than he was (entered a statewide poetry competition, something like that) but was... well, I was going to say shot down but that's a little pun-filled for the context. Anyway, the father takes him out hunting to cheer him up, but seeing his son so sullen realises what he has to do.

Red Ghost

I saw the final straw as being the boy accepting the 'abuse' from the gnats with gritted teeth, instead of trying to get away from them like most people do. That's what I saw anyhow, tell me if I'm wrong...

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Lauren

I can see why people would find it offensive. You can always write a story about a murder/crime from the POV of the murderer, but your character isn't the typical crazy, heartless murderer. He's a loving father, and I don't think it's the fact that he just killed a child as much as the reason behind it. It seems out of love, and like he's trying to justify killing his child. Well, that's why I think peolpe found it offensive... but with a piece like this, I push those feelings aside. Anyway, it was definitely an enticing story. You could see what was happening from the beginning, but it still drew me in. It was his motivation... like he felt that he was somehow liberating his child by killing him. He didn't feel anger towards his son at all, just love. That was the interesting part about it.

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Sparx

An eerie and chillingly fresh piece of writing. It drew me right towards the ending even though it was very obvious. Its also has a avery complex meaning and you show the meaning well. Nice work.

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Mada

It thought it was all good except for that sentence. If your son died at such a young age, you WOULD remember teh date I think.

Rosalina

I actually liked that he couldn't remember the exact date his son died. It was a good tip off that the guy wasn't exactly normal.