"The Kiss of Regret" - Page 2 - Writers Forum

semtecks · 07-16-2005, 03:35 AM

i quite liked this, don't know about the ending. I'm reading these short Elmore Leonard stories and he has the same sort of ending. it didn't leave me feeling dissapointed, though.

Everything to be said has already been said, So i'll just point out the one thing that hasn't:

“ Bout time you made it home,” he called from his chair “ thought you stopped for drinks.”

needs a comma after chair.

Wyndstar · 07-17-2005, 10:47 AM

This was a good read eggo, nice, descriptive---I think that I'd like to have heard what was in her head when she got home. We don't get enough of 'him' really to get a good feel of the hopelessness he spawns. It feels more like her misery is from routine, and he's more a convinient target. When she just goes to the kitchen, she just---went. There was none of the underlining tension I expected from a guy that cut her self esteem---just self imposed routine. That could be what makes the end a bit---abrupt.

eggo · 07-20-2005, 12:10 AM

Quote:

This was a good read eggo, nice, descriptive---I think that I'd like to have heard what was in her head when she got home. We don't get enough of 'him' really to get a good feel of the hopelessness he spawns. It feels more like her misery is from routine, and he's more a convinient target. When she just goes to the kitchen, she just---went. There was none of the underlining tension I expected from a guy that cut her self esteem---just self imposed routine. That could be what makes the end a bit---abrupt.

You saw right through this Wyndstar. It is all in her head. All the info you get only comes from her throughout the story. For all we know the guy may very well be exactly what she wants.

The story is written to show the traps people make for themselves. The lives they build can be truly unhappy and they are happy to live them.

LoneWolf · 07-22-2005, 01:05 AM

Hullo,

Great story...It was well written and everyone pointed out the few errors there were already. I liked how the story progressed along with her hopes, and then bam, the story ended and her hope ended. Very nice. I like the ending, but I think you could make more of an impact; like, when she said, Have you eaten yet, he could say...."Nope. Chicken sounds good tonight. And could you get me another beer?" You know, something that makes readers feel sad and angry at the same time. Because it just seems like she just gives up at the end, and that makes me sad for her, in a heart sinking way. Is this making sense? lol, anyways, that's my opinion. I liked it a lot...look forward to reading more.

LW