SycoKitty6

Her skin was beginning to decay, she could feel it slowly tearing into her. It had already become a disgusting pale-green color and felt like rubber. She noticed her eyes as she walked past a mirror, her reflection seeming nothing to her anymore. The eyes she once had always got her compliments, big, blue eyes with green in them. Now though, her irises were no longer so pretty. Her eyes filled with an ugly off-white color, showing only her pupil, making it hard to keep eye contact with anyone. She kept walking down the hall, dragging her feet for they felt heavier than ever, as if someone had tied bricks to her them. Her nightgown smelled foul and had stains on it which she could not trace the source of. The smell disinterested her into trying to find out. She could taste the 1.) stench of her breath, feel the abnormal cracking in her bones, and could sense she wasn't alone in what she thought was only her body.
Around the corner came her mother, and although she was happy to see her mom, it didn't seem like her mother was happy to see her.
“Michelle! What...? How did you get out of your room?!” She stood and looked at what was once her beautiful daughter for a moment, shook her head in disbelief, and Michelle saw that her eyes were filled with carelessness and disgust. Her mother ran back into the kitchen to get away from Michelle.
Michelle heard her mother talking and tried listening through the door.
“Father Callahan, she's out. I don't know how she managed it but she's out there right now! Please help me, please go get her! Please just take the demon child away!” Michelle couldn't see them, but she could tell that there were tears of distress on her mother's face. She was a burden for everyone near. She hated knowing her mother was suffering and in pain but didn't know how to make it stop. She was only fifteen, she wasn't supposed to know what to do in this type of situation. So she decided that there was only one thing left she could do, to rid herself and everyone else of the evils that had overcome her. Michelle knew she had little time to accomplish this, however, as the demon could return at any second and take over her body for good.
She listened into the kitchen once more and heard footsteps slowly approaching her. The priest! she thought. Time was getting short, she could feel her mind beginning to wander like it had so many times before. The demon was trying to get back in, trying to over-ride her mind. She wouldn't let it happen though, not yet. And the priest, he was almost around the bend. Who knew what he would do to stop her dead in her tracks? She spun around quickly and took off running down the hall where she had originally come from. At the end was a staircase that she ran up three levels of, onto the roof.
The wind was blowing strong and rain clouds were beginning to form. Michelle stepped forward to the end of the roof and looked down. She understood that this was now her fate, she had to end what she unknowingly started. She raised her arms out to the sides and closed her eyes. Before taking her final steps she swore the demon inside her back to Hell and prayed the lord would forgive her for this sin she was about to commit. In the background were cries of pleas from the priest and her mother, but she forced them as far away as she could from her mind. Finally, Michelle grimaced, took a deep breath, and let herself fall.

saintoflight

This sounded odd to me and I became rather confused. I did not realise that one felt their skin decaying, tearing into ones self?

Sentence structure needs to be looked at. You could possibly put; "The big blue eyes, with green in them, that once got her compliments, where now ruined by........" and you could put whatever you liked in the ......

She could taste the 1.) stench of her breath, feel the abnormal cracking in her bones, and could sense she wasn't alone in what she thought was only her body.[/qoute] Why is there a 1.) here?

There are several other grama stuff-ups that need to be checked out. Perhaps you should just read over your story and give it a title too?

SycoKitty6

The "1.)" is there because I wrote it for an English assignment and had to have certain types of sentences and have them numbered. I took out the rest of them but I didn't realize that was in there still until after I posted it.

Dunalavan

You should probably put "pulling away from" versus "tearing into" since when things decay they fall apart. Otherwise it makes the reader's brain go ow.

That into should be from, I do believe. Interested her into vs. Disinterested her from.

I'm none too sure about this, but you might want to italicise the "her" of "her body" to emphasize that is is, indeed, her body. Without italics the "only her body" makes it seem like it is something of little consequence. It was only her body; it wasn't as if it were something important.

You started the sentence off with "her" so calling your character by name at the end of the sentence makes it seem like you are talking about a third, and new, person. If you want to have her name in there, it should probably come first. For that matter though, you already have used her name twice in the paragraph. Repeating the same word too many times has a tendency to jar the reader out of the flow of the story.

Near where? Near her? Near the house? Near earth?

Normally you look into, and listen at. I don't think the into is technically wrong, but it is a bit awkward.

You might want to change the second instance of "mind" into "will".

For some reason, the swearing the demon back to hell is just boggling my mind.

Cries and pleas together sounds really awkward as they do convey the same meaning. It's like writing "they yelled out calls." It's a little bit redundant and doesn't really tell you what was being said.


And now for the part where I'm not being nitpicky.

I actually really enjoyed this story a lot. It had an interesting premise, you clued us into what was going on with a decent amount of speed, and you always provided new and interesting tidbits with each sentence. While I like the fact that no concrete reference is made to how she got posessed in the first place, I would like to see the scenes with her mother fleshed out a bit more. It might need just a touch more emotion, since it is capped by paragraphs that have such a strong tone to them. *nods* I really do like this. ^_^

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