johnjohndoe

I was born in Washington Court House, Ohio, among the motels and shopping malls, between the drug dealers and car dealers, lost and found somewhere across the state line in Indiana.

Wyatt and I were driving north on 35 at eighty-five miles-per-hour with only the moon to keep us company. So we decided to rob a camera store and steal a 1250mm Schmidt-Cassegrain telescope and take a really good look at it. I cased the store while Wyatt parked the car.

I guess I wasn't doing a very good job because the camera store owner wouldn't take his eyes off me. So I walked outside and sat down in the car next to Wyatt. "No problem," I said. Wyatt holstered his pistol and said, "Let's go."

Wyatt and I are like brothers. We used to steal candy together when we were kids. I don't even remember all the bikes we stole. We've always been partners and I know that no matter what kind of shit we get in, Wyatt always has got my back.

Wyatt and I didn't speak as we slowly approached the camera store. We'd done this before; no need to talk about it. I know this isn't the best way to make a living, but I just don't know what else to do. I would much rather be kicking it at my apartment with my girlfriend.

I was glad I brought my jacket; it was becoming a little cold that night. As Wyatt entered the camera store I turned around to see if anyone was following us. And then, as I was entering the store, I saw the moon's reflection off the windshield of a car.

johnjohndoe

dear miawriter,

the story is complete.

yours sincerely,

john. john doe.

ps. you may want to check your spelling.

Chris Miller

Actually, I liked this little piece. I think I get the ending. The moon [god?]is watching them as they prepare to watch it.

Very strong first sentence. I think this is why miawriter got mad. The piece is not quite able to keep up the pace it set with it.

"have been" Also, this is the weakest sentence. It detracts from the narrators broader perspective. Give details, not generalities.

No edits lept out at me (a rarity). Try to stay reflective and descriptive. Might try it in the present tense and lose a few of the adverbs (eg. slowly)--just to see.

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johnjohndoe

dear chris miller,

thanks for the comment. you know, this was written in the present tense, but i changed it to past tense for this posting (you caught it with the "kicking it with the girlfriend" line...i missed the change there).

also, this story started life as a poem...i still think it would be a good poem.

i felt that ending the story as they enter the camera shop might give it an interesting angle...leaving it up to the reader to fill-in the rest of the story. does it work? i supposed that's up to you.

anyway, thanks again for your perspective.

john.

Nimbus1944

parking lot brightly moonlit. owner sees suspicious characters. cameras at hand. yep, this might be their last job. maybe not soon enough for the storekeeper, but hey.

works for me.

nimbus. nimbus1944.

__________________
It wouldn't be right to dream, while
Forgetting to live, it seems;
Nor would it be right to dwell on life
And yet forget our dreams.
-If There Were No Magicians

ms. vodka

nice j.jd...

i think in this day and age, they call this "flash".

and i like this very much.

very real.

vodka

saintoflight

I guess you tried to leave the reader in suspense, but for me that didn't really happen. Perhaps you need a stronger last sentence.

Here you start both paragraphs with the same thing; "Wyat and I". Maybe you could change the sentence structure to make it sound a little more interesting. Also alot of 'we e.t.c' and 'I e.t.c'.

Here you've used the same word ("I"), to start three sentences one after another. It made me lose interest.

Anyway I like your storyline. Keep posting!