The Start of a Children's Book Sequel. - Writers Forum

silentbeauty · 05-08-2005, 05:54 PM

This is the beginning of a sequel for a children's book.

By the time, they reached open ground outside the Forest of Magic, Mystery, and Miracles, darkness settled like a spell around them. A light appeared at the end of the little princes’ wand, almost dazzling him. A flash of blue light erupted from the wand, fell across the grass, hit the bottom of the tree, and illuminated its branches. There stood the most unusual tree. It stood tall, and from it dangled a million golden keys. He walked past the tree, as his black robes billowed behind him. He looked down at his wand, still clutched in his hand. He felt a strong urge to continue his journey. It was fate that brought him this far. The angel sat beneath the tree and folded her heavy wings to her side. She told the little prince, “Who am I to refuse the promptings of fate?” She could see his destiny in his eyes. She then tugged a golden key from the tree and handed it to him, “You are destined to take this journey alone.” With a single tear in his eye, he hugged the angel tightly.

silentbeauty

AverageJoe · 05-08-2005, 06:20 PM

Looks good, but it seems as though it could go a little slower and explain things a bit better. I realize that since it's a sequel, avid readers will probably know what's going on, but keep a couple of things in mind:

(a) Sometimes people pick up a sequel first, and then buy the previous book(s) in the series if they like the one they got (impulse buys, birthdays, holidays, etc). This is especially true of popular character book series (Junie B. Jones, Magic Treehouse, and the like).

(b) Even if someone had read the previous book(s), it may have been some time ago, and it's always nice to start with a short recap or reminder of what happened previously, and why - just don't make it long and drawn out. Few things irritate me more when reading a sequel than to have a substantial portion of the beginning of the book spend a lot of time recapping the previous one.

Why was he holding a wand, where did he get it from? Why was the angel with him, and where did it come from? Had he been searching for the tree for a long time? Did he shed a tear for the angel because it had been traveling with him for a long time, or saved his life once?

I do want to read the previous book, now, though - there's a lot going on here!

silentbeauty · 05-08-2005, 06:32 PM

Introduction

Once upon a time, in a faraway land there lived a beautiful angel. Her home was on the outskirts of the Forest of Magic, Mystery, and Miracles. This Forest was where the little prince began his journey to find magic. Although he did not find the Great Spirit of the Forest to grant him the magic he sought, he found something very special, a friendship that was kindred in spirit. The little prince and the angel walked hand in hand until they came upon her home. Even though the angel lost sight of her Knight of Serenity, she was happy to hold the hand of the young prince that saved her from the dreadful Ogre.

The Magic Continues –

By the time, they reached open ground outside the Forest of Magic, Mystery, and Miracles, darkness settled like a spell around them. A light appeared at the end of the little princes’ wand, almost dazzling him. A flash of blue light erupted from the wand, fell across the grass, hit the bottom of the tree, and illuminated its branches. There stood the most unusual tree. It stood tall, and from it dangled a million golden keys. He walked past the tree, as his black robes billowed behind him. He looked down at his wand, still clutched in his hand. He felt a strong urge to continue his journey. It was fate that brought him this far. The angel sat beneath the tree and folded her heavy wings to her side. She told the little prince, “Who am I to refuse the promptings of fate?” She could see his destiny in his eyes. She then tugged a golden key from the tree and handed it to him, “You are destined to take this journey alone.” With a single tear in his eye, he hugged the angel tightly.

silentbeauty

a small recap of the first book is at the top.
Then the magic continues and the sequel itself appears....

cooldudemanus · 05-10-2005, 05:45 PM

Quote:

a) Sometimes people pick up a sequel first, and then buy the previous book(s) in the series if they like the one they got (impulse buys, birthdays, holidays, etc). This is especially true of popular character book series (Junie B. Jones, Magic Treehouse, and the like).

Ya I'll second that! I would pick up this book and say,"What on earth is going on? How did he get There?" Other then that this is a good story and looks promising.

greenbananas · 05-10-2005, 07:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by silentbeauty

By the time, they reached open ground outside the Forest of Magic, Mystery, and Miracles, darkness settled like a spell around them.

Lose the comma after "by the time"

And add "had" after darkness

It's a cute story.

MA2 · 05-10-2005, 11:10 PM

Quote:

She told the little prince, “Who am I to refuse the promptings of fate?”

That should probably read, "She asked the little prince..."