Drinking Silence - Writers Forum

smartlines · 05-08-2005, 10:49 AM

Thank you for sharing your story, I enjoyed reading it.
Easy to read and something I could totally relate to.
I’m not qualified to make any technical judgements, but well done.

allan millard

Chris Miller · 05-09-2005, 11:43 AM

This is an evocative piece, smartlines. You write well. It has the feel of truth in it. It is nice to read work that is so carefully edited.

I hope you don't mind my saying that, despite a lot description, it lacks detail. You take shortcuts. You tend to avoid specifics. This leaves your story too vague. (Take a look at how gohn67 does this. I'm not suggesting you try to emulate his content or style. Just take a peek at how he uses specifics to put you there.)

For example:

Quote:

My mother’s mother’s house was unwelcoming, oddly shaped, with long, dark, hallways, and cold, flat floors. It was full of strange, dark, nearly empty rooms and strange things, some of which were similar to pieces that we had at home, but in much more extensive quantities.

You use the word "strange" twice in the same sentence here to no effect both times. Descriptions like "oddly shaped" "similar to..." "flat floors" strike me as filler and start to lose me. You need to try harder to put me there with some specifics.

I wouldn't make a comment like this if I didn't think you were a very good writer. Nice work. Nice ending too. Thank-you.

Chris Miller · 05-09-2005, 11:45 AM

Sorry, not smartlines, Wanderlust. I was addressing Wanderlust.

Fishbar · 05-09-2005, 01:11 PM

Definately loosing out in a lot of potential details that could make this shine.

I had a hard time sticking through, I wasn't being gripped by anything. It all seemed like fragmented memories rather than a cohesive story.

We want real feeling. A case by case, factual representation of your mothers life, I am very sorry to say, is not at all appealing. What IS appealing is wanting know why she started drinking so young. Why was it allowed to happen? Is that normal in korea? Why do you hate her for drinking (it's obvious but let us know more) and why does she maintain ties with this mother who hates her?

Personalize this piece.

-fishbar

Axiadiva · 05-09-2005, 04:10 PM

Wanderlust.

I agree with the previous statements. While your writing is top-notch, the essay lacks a clear theme. From the title 'Drinking Silence' I think that you are trying to evoke the link between your mother's drinking and how she was silenced when she was young by having to marry according to her parent's wishes. I feel like you need to zero in more on these topics, making them the focus of the beginning and end. For example, you start out with a strong first line--"My mother was nearly buried alive when she was a young child"--but it seems to go off on a tangent for the next two or three paragraphs. I would stick with that childhood incident at the beginning and then move into the details of her family life.

I also wonder about the section describing your visit; I feel like this should remain centered on your mother, mainly because I feel like her story is strong enough in its own right. Also, there's an odd shift in maturity of the voice there with phrases like "But I'm not sposed to cry"--It's a good nod toward a child-like narration but I feel like you've established a strong, older narrator in the beginning, making the shift a little awkward.

Like I said before, though, the writing here is very solid and engaging. This could potentially be a very strong piece, just try to minimize the scope a bit.

Axi

s.r. Wanderlust · 05-09-2005, 11:46 PM

Thanks so much everyone for your help!

Yes this piece needs a lot of work... it really does drag along. Thanks for helping me to see why, as some of it is sort of hard to filter through.

I have been in agreement that it really isn't a cohesive "story" yet, but haven't been able to put my thumb on it. Thanks Chris for pointing out the thing about the details and filler, and Axi about it lacking a choesive theme and scope- that seems to be the key because nothing really "happens." And it really (I hope) will end up being a story more about my mother (a book some day perhaps...?).

Thanks again All!
~*s.r. Wanderlust

Also does anybody know how to properly format thought in prose?