Let's Go - Writers Forum

sammisan · 05-07-2005, 09:15 PM

“Annie, please stop.”
“Stop what, Jack?”
“Stop pretending.”
“I’m not pretending. This is real.”
“No it isn’t. It can’t be. Don’t you think I’d have noticed?”
“Why should you have? I haven’t given you any reason to notice.”
“I’d have noticed something like this.”
“How?”
“Well, Annie, you’re my wife. Don’t you think I know you?”
“No, Jack. You only know what I want you to know just as I only know what you want me to know. And now I want you to know this.”
“But you can’t be serious.”
“I am serious, Jack. I’m done here. I’m going.”
“But, what about us?”
“That’s up to you.”
“Annie, I can’t just leave. My life is here.”
“No, your job is here. Your life is with me. You don’t have any family but me.”
“But to just leave.”
“This is a wonderful opportunity for me. I’ve moved with you when you were promoted.”
“I still can’t believe this is really happening.”
“I love you, Jack. But I can’t stay here anymore. My research here is done, and I don’t belong here, never have.”
“But you belong with me.”
“Yes, but not here.”
“But do I belong there?”
“Everyone belongs there. That’s what the federation is about.”
“Will we ever be back?”
“I don’t know. But will you really miss it?”
“No, not as much as I’d miss you.”
“Then, let’s go.”
“All right. Let’s go.”

Taking his hand, Annie led Jack onto the iridescent shuttle, the hatchway closed, and the spacecraft left the earth behind.

gohn67 · 05-08-2005, 01:28 AM

Pretty good realistic sounding dialogue. Liked the twist, wasn't expecting that, but I was expecting a twist though. It reads with a quick pace, and I think it needs a little bit more narrative to be more effective.

Fishbar · 05-08-2005, 11:06 AM

The idea is cute but you could really push it around and make it into a pretty cool little story if you wanted to beef it up.

How about some character actions. Make it a little more realistic... ought to be fun.

As a quick and dirty little piece it's cool but sort of lacking.

-fishbar

sammisan · 05-08-2005, 11:27 AM

Thanks for the feedback. I left out the narrative on purpose as an experiment. I read a book once where the author never really decsribed the main character so that by the end he becomes the reader's ideal hero, instead of someone the author has cast. I thought it was a cool idea.

For this, I just wanted the reader to "hear" the dialgoue and develop their own idea of who was speaking without narrative until they very end where they realize what is being discussed. Anyway, it was just a thought. I'll add more narrative if I decide to expand it. Thanks again!

AverageJoe · 05-08-2005, 01:12 PM

I'll bet it could work to a degree if the dialog included hints about the characters through... I don't know if I could do it, but if you could somehow let the characters reveal things about each other through the dialog, you might be able to compensate for the lack of narrative.

It would make for a lot more complicated dialog, however, and might defeat the original purpose of the piece... Just a few thoughts...