another short story by me - Writers Forum

cooldudemanus · 05-07-2005, 03:11 PM

Well this time I decided to plan out the story a bit more by making a plot and stuff:

ONCE AGAIN BE MEAN AND HARSH! Be REALLY honest! remember I'm trying to become a better writer.

plot: a ordinary teen is suddenly given extraordinary powers from artemis the gaurdian of reality and is sent to find someone who is trying to temper with the universe

characters: 1.the average kid who is always getting picked on(main character)
2. the big bully who picks on the kid
3. the teacher who is always sending him to detention
4. the gaurdian of reality
there will most likley be more characters but these are the only one's i could think off

What is Reality?
By Joel Lieber
David Galehand took a glance at the clock. Only three more hours until school was out for the entire year. Behind him kids passed notes back and forth and giggled. David was located at the front of the classroom unfortunately where he was apt. to get called on to answer a question. Right now he was in Geometry, which was taught by his LEAST favorite teacher Mrs. Wormwood.
"David what is volume of a sphere?" his teacher asked in a grumpy tone. David looked away from the clock to his teacher and started to speak, "I'm not sure I didn't get a chance to..." " You didn't do your homework again did you David?" she said before David could finish his sentence. The class laughed.
Math had never been David's strong subject so he wasn't able to DO his math homework. He was never able to get any help from anyone either because he had no friends and his parents were never home.

well how is that ? ill add more but is that a bit better then my last story?

you'll notice I don't just TELL you about my character but I kinda set you right into the story!

I double checked it for typo's as well!

gohn67 · 05-07-2005, 06:00 PM

It's alot bit better than the last one. Write rest of the chapter and post, it's hard to comment on just a snippet.

I think you should read the part about dialogue
here in this link. It shows you a more clean and less confusing way to format dialgue

http://www.writingforums.com/viewtopic.php?t=11158

Quote:

I think the best thing you can do right now is take a good look around the fiction and short story boards, see what opthers are doing and read the kind of comments they are getting on their work...maybe even add a comment or two yourself - not only is it polite to offer comments to others before expecting them to respond to your work, it is a forum 'rule'.

I second that. Plus people are more prone to return the favor and read your work and help you out. If you can't find anything wrong with it, just say you like it, but give a reason at least, I know I like getting good feedback, but I also like getting ripped also.

Reading other people's work will help you learn what to do quicker. Though it would be better if you read books from published authors. Go out to hte library and read about something you like. I learned alot from reading stuff like Goosebumps when I was kid. Any kind of reading is usually good. Just try to mimick their stlye a bit. See what they do.

cooldudemanus · 05-07-2005, 07:19 PM

ok thanks guys ill give comments to other peoples work i didn't know it was a forum rule! but how am i missing the point? what would YOU consider putting the reader right in the story?

bobothegoat · 05-07-2005, 08:07 PM

[quote]

Quote:

you'll notice I don't just TELL you about my character but I kinda set you right into the story![/qoute]

I think maybe you are missing the point slightly. This is not setting the reader right in the story

I'll second that. The story hasn't been revealed except in your notes before giving us the excert. Then, at Paragraph 3, you start saying David has no friends, parents that are always gone, math is his worst subject, etc. This sounds like telling more than showing us.

The way I'd do it (and this is just how I would, not necessarily the right way), would be to actually have him struggling at his math work, showing him walking to classes alone and eating lunch alone (or simply with creeps), and then top it off by returning to his dysfunctional, empty house-hold. Adding an addtional goal would be to try to keep it short. This story is supposed to be about saving reality, so you probably should try to get to that as quickly as you can while still providing an exposition that shows what David is like.

As for the portion of exposition that you have so far, the first thing that stands out for me is the paragraphing. Whenever a different character starts speaking, you're supposed to start a new paragraph. Example:

"I'm a rabbit," a rabbit said.

"No you're not," said Bobby. "Rabbits can't talk."

The rabbit, who was very angered by Bobby's remarks, lunged for Bobby's throat Monty Python style. After Bobby was dead, the rabbit smuggly remarked, "You are dead..."

See. Granted my story was ridiculous.

The other thing that jumped out at me was the teacher. True, there are some mean teachers that sometimes will have it out for a kid, but having her doing math stuff and asking about homework on the last day of school (as the story implies) and doing math stuff caused me to pause and question this story's reality. In my experience, the last day of school is either a couple hours long and is basically a free day, or you end up taking finals.

Anyway, Now that I've finished tearing your piece apart, I'd like to wish you luck on this or whatever other endeavors you undertake.

cooldudemanus · 05-07-2005, 08:21 PM

thank you bobo that was really helpful.

Danny77 · 05-08-2005, 04:09 PM

'Behind him kids passed notes back and forth and giggled'

Change it to something like this:

Behind him he could hear the giggles of his fellow classmates as they passed notes back and forth.

Dunno, but the way u had it, it just sounded weird. Especialy the 'and giggled'. That seemed out of place and quickly stuck on the end.

Good luck with the rest of your story.

cooldudemanus · 05-09-2005, 12:04 AM

ttyl guys thank you!

Chris Miller · 05-09-2005, 09:50 AM

I agree with what the other's have said. Read more. In critiquing the work of others (even if only to yourself) you teach. Teaching is the best way to learn.

Quote:

plot: a ordinary teen is suddenly given extraordinary powers from artemis the gaurdian of reality and is sent to find someone who is trying to temper with the universe

Here is how I would begin your story, given the information provided.

"The last thing David Galehouse ever expected was that he would be given extraordinary powers from Artemis, a guardian of reality."

Of course now you have to keep the promise.