Yes, I refer to myself in third person in this story
(the sad thing is that the storys about 90% true)
Rock, Paper, Scissors
It was Sunday night December 7, 2003 in Bills basement, and the first ever rock, paper, scissors tournament was about to unfold. Three weeks ago Cody Campbell and Danny Hankner had a vision, to bring back RPS, back to the glory days of what it used to be, but never would they have imagined how popular it would become.
The tournament was round robin single elimination style. There were eight players in all. Best out of three to win the game, and best out of 7 games would win the match.
The tournament had a good outcome, however several league members didn’t show up.
Avid player Jesse Spain was MIA for unknown reasons. Jeremy Nemmers was banned from the tournament after extensive use of an illegal paper move.
“His paper formation is perpendicular to his base hand,” says Cody. “That move was outlawed a long time ago and for good reason.”
Radical Tyler “Fat Tom” Nienkirk also wasn’t there, mainly because there was a lack of support for him.
“He’s a big supporter of ‘Chinese Style’ that’s caught on in Canada recently,” said Campbell. “That’s where you use the other persons’ base hand as your own. It’s just sick and wrong.”
Tensions were high while the players were waiting for everything to get started, and it was only inevitable that an argument would break out.
“I’m a firm believer in paper,” said Cody. “Nothing can beat paper…well except for scissors.”
“Hah. Paper is nothing compared to the versatility of scissors!” boasted Bill ‘The Barber’ Goeke. “It takes a really well timed rock to beat my scissors!”
All the players were ready to start, except for one. Danny Hankner was in the back studying over some Andy Dick films.
“His scissors is just…breathtaking,” said Danny. “I mean, the way he cuts assistants day in and day out, almost effortlessly, is just amazing. To have the kind of endurance would be unbelievable.”
First up was to be favorite Danny vs. Rookie Jayden ‘Treat’ Root, who had traveled all the way from Andrew to come here and participate. Odds were heavy against him, especially facing the veteran player Danny.
Jayden pulled the usual rookie scissors first move. Danny countered with rock, and went on to win the game. The rest of his moves were as predictable as the first, as Dan went on to sweep him four games to nothing.
“I keep telling people, you have to establish the rock,” said Danny after the game. “Once I establish the rock, I then like to go into a 3-4 paper defense. Rookies like to come out swinging with scissors, but it usually back fires. Then they have to rely on paper to get them out of the hole, and it just goes downhill from there.”
Next up was veteran Bill Goeke who was in a current slump, and newcomer Franchise. After several failed attempts to get his timing right, Franchise was disqualified for jumping the gun a record four times in a row.
“I expected to win, but not like this,” said Bill. “Sometimes the pressure gets too much for rookies, and they have a hard time focusing. This is a very intense game.”
Next up was the wildcard Boz vs. fill in rags- Bills Dog. Boz won, after Rags threw out 12 consecutive papers.
“Boz is a really special player,” said Tom. “He’s great fun to watch, and usually draws in a big crowd. You never know what he’s going to do next. He might have a huge lead, so you’re thinking of course he’s going to start throwing out rock to run the clock down, but then all of a sudden he throws out scissors and wins the match right then and there. It’s guys like him that make this great sport what it is today.”
“It was a tough match but I came out the victor,” said Boz while gasping for breath after the heated battle. “It’s hard, I mean, were all pretty even.”
The final first round match was between the unpredictable Cody and B.J. “Hmmmmmm” Goeke.
“I figured if I could make it past the first 2 rounds, I would play Dan for the championship, and I always beat him. For some reason, I always beat Dan, Dan always beats everyone else, and everyone else always beats me,” said Cody.
B.J was a relative newcomer to the sport, but showed promise. The battle raged on between the two, but B.J. was getting the edge.
“TIMEOUT,” cried Cody, while reaching for his playbook. He was at an indecision, he wasn’t sure whether to go with the ‘Rock Option’ or the ‘Paper Mache’. He finally settled on scissors. “You see I knew he going with rock, so I thought I'd go with paper, but I knew he’d know that, and go with scissors, so I decided to go with rock, but then I realized that he had me setup for the rock, so I went with scissors.”
Cody’s plan came through, tying it up at 3 games a piece. Cody then looked to his playbook for 2 more plays that would carry him to victory, but after falling down 1-0 in the final game, he threw his playbook at the wall in a fit of rage.
“I had only one choice, I had to go for the Rock Lopster,” said Cody. “The Rock Lopster is he hardest combo to pull off in RPS, but also one of the deadliest. What you do is tie on rock, than tie on rock again, and tie on rock for the third straight time. At this time the opponent will think that you will go rock for the 4th straight time, but then right at the last second you switch to scissors for the ultimate betrayal.”
Needless to say, as most Rock Lopsters do, it failed horribly, and the favorite Cody fell in the first round. It was a tough loss. Embarrassed, Cody went in the corner and practiced his rock formation.
“I pulled out paper too early, plain and simple,” said Cody after the match.
The semi finals were about to start, and the contestants were all preparing themselves. First up was to be the favorite Dan and long time rival Bill. Dan wasn’t scared. Bill was a predictable paper with the casual back up of scissors. Bill came out swinging with his paper, and Dan guessed it and went on to win that game. But Bill was not going to go out so easily, for he had another trick up his sleeve. The match was probably the hardest match Dan ever had against Bill. It came down to the last game of the last set! Throughout the entire match, Bill never once threw out a rock. Something that nobodys ever pulled off before.
“I kept waiting for him to finally throw out rock, but it never came,” said Jayden. “It just never came!”
After tying four times in a row on paper, Dan finally mustered up the courage to throw out scissors, ending the game, and winning the first round of the tournament.
“I was so pumped up before the match that I forgot to stretch. My hand started cramping towards the end. I feared if I threw out scissors that I might sprain something,” said Bill. “I almost revolutionized the sport that night.”
“Sometimes you have to lose a few at first to win a few later,” advised Danny.
After a few minutes of fighting over who got to sit on B.J’s exercise ball, the next match was ready to go, Boz vs. B.J.
The game was unpredictable. Boz came out striking hard. B.J. got called a few times for slow fingering.
“That really took away his momentum,” said head referee Bill.
After falling behind, Jim Goeke, B.J’s personal trainer and long time mentor called a timeout to give B.J. a pep talk.
“Don’t let him psych you out,” said Jim. “He’s good, but not invincible. Everyone has their weaknesses.”
Though daunted, B.J. wasn’t about to give up. But it didn’t matter, as Boz went into his signature hurry up offense. B.J was rattled, and had no answers to Boz’s assault. His quick maneuvering was not to be reckoned with, as Cinderella Story Boz went on to beat B.J. 4-1.
“I couldn’t handle his aggressiveness,” said B.J. after the match. “There’s just so much strategy involved.”
“I didn’t expect B.J. to win,” said Boz casually. “Lets face it, he sucks.”
It was down to the championship match. Danny vs. Boz. The game was tough but Danny was able to establish the rock, and took a 1-0 lead. Boz stormed back, and after some shystee rock formations, came back to take the lead at 2-1.
“Check his rock formation!” yelled Danny furiously. “I mean what kind of rock is that? It looks like a ham sandwich!”
The battle swayed from one side to the next. Neither could maintain a decisive lead. The battle was intense, and nobody could take their eyes off of the competitors. It finally came down to the last game of the last set.
“I just went with my gut. Rock was my friend. I trusted him, and I knew he wouldn’t fail me,” said Danny.
With the final blow, the dust settled, and hands were in full formation. The victory was decisive, and clear.
“Rock beats scissors,” declared Cody. Danny had won the match, and the first ever RPS Championship.
“I threw out scissors, and it just didn’t work,” said Boz disappointedly.
“You see, scissors is a little different than rock or paper,” replied Danny. “The thing about scissors, is that your either going to win, lose, or tie.”
“The league has really changed over the last few years,” said Cody. “I remember when none of the rules were clear, and everything was in complete chaos. People would do anything to get a win, even cheat. That led to the epidemic of counting fingers. Counting fingers is illegal, but some people still manage to get away with it to this day. However, the players who played today showed real sportsmanship and a true love for the game.”
The day was over, and fans gathered to take pictures and get autographs.
“I worked so hard for it,” said Danny excitedly. “All those nights of staying up late studying plays, all those hard days in the gym perfecting my paper, after all that I’ve been through to get here, it all makes it that much sweeter.”
Danny eventually made it to the big time, where he lost the final match of the hand bowl due to a career ending thumb injury. He later got a job as a janitor where he hustled school children for their lunch money.
Danny Hankner
