demon_

Okay this may sound like a Im talking to you but ièm not so....


Just checking

I walk home every day passing my grandma’s house, sometimes I go inside for a pop, or at least a drink, but really in the back shadow of my mind I’m really checking if she is okay. In my mind I'm shy, though I can't say I'm only checking on her, she can still easily tell my family or worse my friends.


One day I was walking alone then noticed her house, and I thought “why not” and then I went inside. Found her lying on the floor, absolutely still. I shrieked at first, and I ran over to her, and still she wouldn’t move. I picked up the phone and called the ambulance.

Over at the hospital after that day, she lied on her bed looking at me. She survived a tremendous heart problem, probably a heart attack I wasn’t sure. She then grabbed my arm and said “Thank you” very silently. I started to cry, tears fell on her clear white sheets and I new I saved her, I knew it, I felt warm inside.

A week later, every day I went inside and told her, “just checking”.

End


How is this?

gohn67

Interesting piece. You have a solid idea for a story.
Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's a good effort. With some revision this piece can be a lot better.

The biggest problem is that some things don't make sense to me.

LIke the thing about her still having a mouth. I don't understand how she can lose her mouth? Do you mean like dentures?

How is this going to affect his reputation with his grandma? I just can't see it.

The other thing is coincidence. Your character "randomly" decided to go check on his grandmother, and luckily found her in time. I think you need to have a reason for him to go and see her or have him check on her "everyday" not just randomly.

I think this has a heart warming message, but it needs to be built upon, and elaborated more. Just more about their relationship, so I actually feel for them when she gets her heart attack.

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Chris Miller

From the age of your grandma, and your prose, I would guess you are fairly young. Good effort here. Keep writing. You will only improve. Because it is so short, instead of picking out the edits, I will just re-write. You can decide for yourself what works and what does not--see if you like how I have changed it.



Just Checking

Every day I walk past my grandma’s house on my way home. Sometimes I go inside for a pop, or just a drink of water. Really, I’m checking to see if she is okay. But, because she is still young, because she still has a pretty mouth, I cannot say, "I'm just checking on you, grandma." This might embarass her.

One day I stop by her house. Inside, I find her lying on the floor, absolutely still. I shriek. Then I run over to her. I shake her. She still won't move. I pick up the phone and call an ambulance.

Later, at the hospital, she just lies in bed looking at me. She has had a heart attack or something, I'm not sure. She takes my arm and says “Thank you.” She says this very softly. I start to cry. My tears fall on her clean white sheets. I have saved her; I know it; I feel warm inside.

Now, every day I stop at her house. I go inside. I say, "Just checking."

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AverageJoe

I think it means that he could never tell her that he was "just checking" in on her, because she still talked to people about these things (had a mouth) and his friends would find out about it eventually (the reputation with his friends being what he's most concerned about).

If so, I read that part as:

"I walk home every day passing my grandma’s house, sometimes I go inside for a pop, or at least a drink, but really in the back shadow of my mind I’m really checking if she is okay. I could never tell her this, though, for she sometimes talks to my friends, and my reputation would be shot... it would be embarrassing."

A little awkward, maybe, but that's how I read it.

Overall, I liked it, but agree that it could use a little polish.

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demon_

Okay... thanks for the reply and I now final re read my story.
I thank all of you for your replies ill change it all...sorry for the inconvinience.

ps: this story isn't about me, its about how my friend used to be, however his grandma didnt have a heart problem.

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