Danny77

Fart Splatter


Boz was in his room lying on his bed. His head was hanging off the mattress looking out into the hall. In the distance he could see the upside down figure of Chuckles approaching. Chuckles had a smirk on his face and a glimmer in his eye.

“What?” asked Boz as Chuckles walked in. Chuckles gave no reply and approached Boz. Then, without warning, Chuckles turned around. In the blink of an eye he had bent over and pulled down his pants.

Sppplllrrrbbbppp. Chuckles had farted in Boz’s face. But Boz felt more than just the brush of hot air against his skin. A hideous liquid sensation had scattered across his face, something so terrible it can only be described as…fart splatter.

Boz sat there for a second, stunned. But his shock quickly turned to anger as he shot up off the bed and chased after Chuckles. But Chuckles, knowing full well what he had gotten into, was already sprinting up the stairs.

“Chuckles you fat***!” yelled Boz from behind while wiping his face with his sleeve. Chuckles was giving his patented Peter Griffon laugh.

“Heeeeheehehehehehe,” echoed Chuckles laugh down the hall. Chuckles made it into the computer room and was attempting to shut the door. But Boz would not be outdone. His anger burned hot within him and gave him unnatural speed as he raced towards the closing door. THUD. He stopped the door from shutting just in time. Chuckles, seeing his imminent death, tried cowering in the corner.

However, Boz was not pitied the least. He took out a belt and proceeded to relentlessly beat Chuckles. Needless to say, Chuckles learned his lesson.


Danny Hankner

horrorcrafter

its very funny. I liked it. kinda short, though. what do you want to do with this piece? maybe insert it into a larger work, I think. You are good at comedy, keep it up.
Horrorcrafter

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Chris Miller

Nice writing Danny. I found it disgusting (of course) and the ending, pretty funny.

The lesson being, not to fart in people's faces. Funny. But lose the "Needless to say", it just reduces the impact.


I looked for some deeper meaning, or for a way in which piece might enrich or enlighten me, continue to live with me. Alas, I found none. But that's okay. It was a fun read. Thanks.

"up-side-down"

Wrong wording. May need to split. Heads do not "look".

Why the past perfect all of a sudden? Why "had" ? Too slow, and passive, besides being grammatically off.

Wrong. "Boz showed no pity."

Chuckles' (posessive)

Try to avoid cliches.

And finally, lose "relentlessly" It is a redundant weakening adverb.

Whew. Normally I don't get that carried away. I think because the piece was short and interesting and well written, I could give it a little more attention.

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Danny77

thanks guys!

Ive written about 25 other stories(and am still going to write more) about things my friends and I have done over the years. There all comedy, and most of em are about 2 pages long. I eventualy hope(if there good enough) to string them all together into one book of short stories.

And yeah most of the things I write(atleast comedy stuff) has no underlying meaning, lol. There just there for a laugh

Ilan Bouchard

Perhaps I'm the only one, but I didn't find this funny at all. Stupid, rather.

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gohn67

I didn't find it particularly funny either. I guess I no longer find anything about farting funny anymore. Maybe 4-5 years ago I would have found it funny. Seemed kind of a juvenile to me. Though if it I witnessed in real life it would have been funny.

I'd like to see another one your stories about your friends, I like comedy stories, and I just think this one didn't hit the mark with me.

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valeca

I'd say it was base comedy, which I suppose appeals to some. I prefer something more clever and less juvenile. I can't say as I found this funny either. Comedy is a skill, when it's used at its lowest common denominator, it loses something.

Keep honing your writing, Danny.

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Selorian

Danny, I see definite potential in your writing, but this I just don't find appealing. I agree with what most of the others above have said. It's way to juvenile type of humor. Take the level up a notch or two and you will be onto something. Keep writing.


Cliff

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Danny77

Thanks for your responses guys! And yes I agree, it is rather juvenile. However, it said somewhere on this sight that if u wanted people to read your stuff, then keep it short, so I picked out the shortest story I had written. Many of my stories contain this sort of comedy, however most are spiced with much more clever humour. Infact many of them have humour on all sorts of levels. I think il post a more 'sophisticated' story right now

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nasey32

I dont know. I thought it was gross. Maybe only because I'm a girl. The characters immediately came alove to me though. Cheeky boys.

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Aevin

Heh heh. It worked for what it is. I don't dare offer in-depth critique for fear of soiling myself.

That is, for fear of soiling my reputation.

Blunt, funny and disgusting.

No comment.

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nasey32

lol, yeah!!! Even though I may not see the humor, you have a great talent for getting people's attention! great job. Keep 'em comming for those with a sense of humour (unlike me).
good job mate

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