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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-05-2005, 01:10 AM   #1
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 5
tvscreen
Nightmare

Nightmare

Walking along the pavement, my feet dancing in between the cracks I begin to tell my friend of my previous nights dream, it wasn’t something I really wanted to dwell on but I was at the point where I didn’t let that bother me. It was more like a horror movie than anything else, a story of a family of cannibals. It began with a girl.

Unknowing to the youngest daughter eating people is very wrong. As she got older she began to develop a feeling for this in the back of her mind, at first it was like an undetectable frequency, much similar to a dog whistle with a depressing tone but as time went on it increased to a whisper. She began fighting her own mind battles, trying to comprehend the truth of the whispers.

Finally she came to the conclusion that eating people was wrong and that there was nothing left for her but to leave the house and so one morning she packed a suitcase and did just that.

After traveling across the state line she met a young man in a bar, he was a very tall man with broad shoulders and a beard, at the time she wondered if it was an unconscious thought of her family that had attracted her to him.

If anyone could protect her it was this guy, his family where all involved in a neighborhood watch that would make any kung fu movie weep. People were carrying machine guns, others brandishing swords and daggers. There were two jeeps and a motorcycle parked outside the house. Inspecting the house, it was large with a sturdy front door and bars running across the windows.

Once inside behind the sturdy door she began to break down emotionally, so many feelings, anger, guilt, revenge. She dwelled on getting revenge for many nights and woke up one morning tired of seeing the tear stains on her pillow and decided to tell the man the story of her family.

Listening to the girls story the man became very angry and agreed to help her seek revenge. They both set off down the dirt road on his motorcycle. She secretly wiped a tear as they got to the corner. Standing there was a huge dilapidated house, a monstrosity of wood with a sign on the fence which read, Beware of Dog.

They crept towards the house, next to the front door, the door was open and a mosquito net was swinging in the breeze, they slid in and leaning across the back wall towards the living room doorway.

The living room was old and dank with yellow stains on the walls, sat in the corner was an old wooden television set. In the middle of the room stood a rocking chair it was facing a window and there seemed to be somebody sitting in it. The girl walked into the room and yelled grandma! As she turned around the man began hacking at the chair with a sword, eventually grandmas head slumped to her chest and a pool of blood seeped along the floor. They inspected the rest of the house to find that it was empty.

Returning to the man’s house, a feeling of euphoria ran through the girls mind, she felt that her burden had been lifted. The man was still very alert with determination as he stood by the window. Again the girl began to cry to her self when the man noticed a light coming down the road.

It was a truck, as it got closer the man noticed barbed wire running across it. It was being driven by a middle aged man wearing a green baseball cap and looked to have three people sitting in the back.

They pulled up to the front of the house and began unloading huge trash bags, they then drove off in a hurry screaming and yelling like wild animals. The man told the girl to go back into the house as he ventured towards the bags. Ripping the first bag open he stood in horror, it was like all the air inside his body had been knocked out.

There below him lay the severed limbs of the families victims. Each bag contained different parts, heads, hands, fingers and feet. He could not believe his eyes and unfortunately he didn’t have too much time to make sense of it as a rush of flashing lights appeared in front of his house.

A loud voice stating, “Put your hands in the air” was all the man could hear, they then took him away and ventured through the rest of the house. They found that the house was empty. Somehow the girl had managed to escape while they arrested the man.

At this point I woke up n a cold sweat, I could not believe that I could have dreamt this horrific nightmare, I felt I needed to rationalize it piece by piece and later blamed it on a fourteen inch pizza, cheese can give you bad dreams, that’s what I said to myself.
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Old 05-05-2005, 12:17 PM   #2
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fergus, Ontario CA
Posts: 2,676
Chris Miller is an unknown quantity at this point
ok

Not badly written. Has the potential to be a horrific/funny litle fable.

Hope you don't mind some suggestions:

Lose the whole first paragraph, except for the last sentence.
"like a horror movie" This is like the worst simile I have ever seen :-)

Quote:
Unknowing to the youngest daughter eating people is very wrong. As she got older she began to develop a feeling for this [in the back of her mind, at first it was] like an undetectable frequency, [much] similar to a dog whistle with a depressing tone but as time went on it increased to a whisper. She began fighting her own mind battles, trying to comprehend the truth of the whispers.
Lose the stuff in []
"Unbeknownst"
Or how about "She did not know that eating people was wrong."
Put commas where you want us to pause, so we don't have to re-read and figure this out ourselves. Or split into simpler sentences.

Quote:
Finally she came to the conclusion that eating people was wrong and that there was nothing left for her but to leave the house and so one morning she packed a suitcase and did just that.
I suspect you are fairly young. This is how the children tell stories. They just blurt them out... and then and then and then... break it up a little. Breathe.

Quote:
If anyone could protect her it was this guy, his family where all involved in a neighborhood watch that would make any kung fu movie weep.
"where" = "were"
Two sentences, at least.
And knock off the movie similes.

Quote:
There below him lay the severed limbs of the families victims.
family's or families'

Split the whole thing into smaller sentences. Don't force a comma to do the work of a period.

As an exercise, I suggest you try re-writing it including only what is absolutely essential to the story's plot. Take out everything stylistic and descriptive. Create a synopsis of the story first. Simple and clean. Then slowly and very carefully flesh it out. But do not over embelish. do not over season.

I look forward to seeing the result of your doing this, if you are willing to try.
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