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Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

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Old 05-01-2005, 10:53 PM   #1
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The Apple Tree : continued

[b]This ones called "The Apple Tree". It's my first short story posted on here so be cruel but be kind. If it's good enough I'm sending it into the show, so let me know.


The Apple Tree!

We'd just moved and were approaching our new home, 'a quiet house in the country'. I tried to figure out what kind of neighbours to expect by looking at the place next-door. I was anxious to meet new people, to have friends. It was going to be hard in this new town, I hadn't seen one kid yet. With my face pushed up against the car window, disappointment engulfed me when all I could see was a run down old house. It looked like something had sucked the life out of it. The long brown grass hadn't been mowed, paint peeled from the walls and the roof had holes. The only colour or life there was a scrawny cat on the front porch and an apple tree fruiting. Mum noticed the tree and commented on the ripe red apples dangling from limb to limb. As I stared at the building my mind filled with questions about our new life, here in the bush.

Pulling into the driveway I ignored my baby brother's cries to be fed and eyed a broken old swing hanging from a gum tree. When the car stopped I got out and ran to the verandah, and hopping up and down, waited impatiently for Dad to open the door. First thing was first; find the best room. After inspecting each, Mum informed me she'd already made plans and that my bedroom was to be next to theirs, ruining my idea of the attic. As I started to unpack I took a look out the window, which framed the run down old house I had seen earlier.

By the time night came, my progress was limited; but I was glad that my bed was made, as sleeping on the floor was a sore idea. Still excited I went to bed and lay there awake, looking up at the ceiling. Occasionally Mum would get up to feed my ever screaming brother; Dartanian. He was named after a Musketeer. My Mum loved that story and lying awake I listened to her tell it to him before slowly drifting off.

Time flashed back and I found myself once again in the back of the car as it drove down that dusty road. The driver, blurred from my vision. My face pressed against the window, staring out. But this time it was night and my vision of the run down old house seemed to be getting closer and closer, until it felt like I was standing right there on the porch. My heart beating out of my chest, my hands and face pushed against the grubby house window, trying to look in. Then blackness, I could hear the cat purring, I could feel its soft fur on my legs as it walked between them. I took a sharp breath as a face stared back at me from inside the house. Her hands pushed up against the glass, just as I, a little girl.

I screamed, but it must have only been in my dream as my mouth was dry. On my bed in an unfamiliar room, I sat upright, drenched in a cold sweat. Taking off the bed covers, I got up and went to the kitchen. The jug was heavy but I pored myself a glass of water anyway and took it back to my room. As I sat by my open window, embracing the cool night air, I stared out into the night. Catching a glimpse of a moonlit shadow of a cat on the porch next-door, I shivered. Then shaking my head of the thought, finished my drink and went back to bed. I didn't wake again that night, despite my brothers screams. But that dream, that dream was the first of many strange things yet to come.

He was screaming again, when would it end, when could I scream back. I woke grumpy in the morning from being rudely awoken and stayed that way throughout the day. Still having boxes and even more boxes to unpack I got to work. After about an hour I was sick of taking my clothes out and stuffing them into my draws and decided to go and explore the backyard. Well it was big and green, and that was about it. Not as exciting as I would have hoped. Suddenly an image filled my head and I ran around front to the old swing I had seen when we first arrived yesterday. It was just dangling there so I tied the two peces of broken rope together in a simple shoe lace knot, not very seccure but strong enough to hold my 9 year old body. I swung high up and came back down as the wind blew through my strawberry hair. Twisting the rope round and round, I spun myself untill it was impossible to walk straight. Falling to the ground in a fit of giggles, I remembered the times when my Dad used to push me on the swings in the park at my old home, before Dartanian was born.

Suddenly remembering how hungry I was, I looked around, half expecting something to eat, to just pop out of no where. After releasing my disillusionment, I looked straight ahead; where my troubles where freed, I saw the apple tree. Why not I thought, approaching the fence, it's not like anyone lives there and it would be a shame to let all those good apples go to waste. Ducking under the fence I hitched my dress up, ready to carry my pick. One juicy fruit at a time I grabbed hold of the apple and pulled hard so the branch would bend then snap back when the apple was safetly in my dress. Then, a noise, a crashing sound from next door. I gathered my skirt together and ran. Sliding once again under the barbed wire fence, the apples rolled onto the ground, one by one becoming bruised and less beautifull.

Taking the apples inside, I placed them on the kitchen table. Not forgetting that I was hungry I picked one up and washed it under the sink. Opening my mouth wide I took a bite and spat it out. "Urgh" I shuddered and washed my mouth out with water. The taste was horrible, the inside was brown and mushy. Not being game to take a bite from another I started chucking them out the kitchen window and into the garden below.

That's it for know.
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Old 05-02-2005, 03:26 PM   #2
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Is there more? I would like to see the rest if there is more.

So far I am sort of interested, I can't help but think I've seen similar stuff before.

You did a good job setting up the story so far, with the town and her personality. She seems young like 8-10 years old. The town seems deserted.

I am interested in how the Apple Tree is going to play a part in this.
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Old 05-03-2005, 02:19 AM   #3
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There could be more .......

I have several different continums, but didn't write anything more because there was a word limit for the competition. However I intend on writing more and just not sending it into the judges. Thanks for the feedback.
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Old 05-03-2005, 12:15 PM   #4
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ok

Hi saintoflight,

You have a nice idea for a piece here. I feel like there is some symbolism I am missing regarding the apples, or is it just that her life is kind of rotten?

'a quite house in the country' "quiet" ?

Quote:
It looked like something had sucked the life out of it.
Watch the cliches.

Quote:
By the time night came my progress was limited, but I was glad that my bed was made as sleeping on the floor was a sore idea.
Don't assume readers know where to pause. I had to read this a couple times to figure it out.

"By the time night came, my progress was limited; but I was glad that my bed was made, as sleeping on the floor was a sore idea."

Good first effort.
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Old 05-03-2005, 02:44 PM   #5
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When you have more, post it. I very much want to see the end of this story, and how it plays out.

The connection between her, the tree, and her lonilness is not clear yet. At least this is what I think. I'm thinking somehow the tree is going to lead to friendshop, but I am not sure.

There were some grammar errors. Here were two that caught my eye.
Quote:
Suddenly remembering how hungry I was I looked around, half expecting something to eat to just pop out of no where.
I'm not a grammar expert, but I think the comma goes after "was"

Quote:
Realising that wasn't going to happen, I stopped and looking straight ahead saw the apple tree.
I think this part can worded less clunky.
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Old 05-06-2005, 04:01 AM   #6
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But what about my brother?

Thanks heaps guys for your posts. I'm probably won't get around to writing much for a while but I'll try and get stuck into it. I was a bit lazy on the grammer, sorry, but thanks for picking it up.
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Old 05-08-2005, 02:56 AM   #7
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Hello Saintoflight,

I enjoyed your story very much. It is very alluring, although I, like the others, was hoping for a much more dramatic ending regarding a continuation into more interesting ideas concerning a link between the girl next door from the dream and the apple tree. (This could help you in the contest as well, finishing a bit more strongly...). It seems that the apple tree should be described in much greater detail; trees are great for naturally divine creepiness, and clearly the power of the apple as a symbol dates back to Adam and Eve. And I really like how you built up her anticipation for eating its beautiful apples, foreshadowed their bruised and rotten nature somewhat with the noise next door (which i heard as a shrill, piercing scream, though) while she was gathering them, and then had her unexpectedly bite into a disgusting, rotten apple. This made me wanna spit it out myself! More sensory detail altogether would be great! (That scared-in-the-middle-of-the-night-in-a-new-house-feeling-when-you're-a-nine-year-old-girl can be some feeling!)

I agree with Chris Miller in watching out for the cliches. And as the reader, I would also have liked to know much earlier in the story that the protagonist is a nine-year-old girl. At times I wasn't sure if she was a young child or an adolescent, and the entire time until the dream, I was fairly certain that she was a boy; this guesswork can be distracting to the reader. Also the voice of the narrator at times, seems a bit too sophisticated at times for a nine-year-old, unless this story is narrated from a more mature perspective. And I was fairly unconcerned with your grammar, as most of it seemed to be simple oversights of a not quite completely finished piece.

Finally, although I don't know what everything is supposed to symbolize, or how things are supposed to turn out, but as this to me seems like a creepy, "horror"-type story, maybe opening up with her observations on the house next door while they are arriving, or the apple tree, could be a more ominous way to begin.

Please make sure to post the rest when you have written it! I would love to read what happens!
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