Description type thing. - Writers Forum

ChainsOfTime · 04-30-2005, 11:11 PM

This isn't exactly a short story, but it's not long enough to be anything else. There was a writing challenge for some other forum to give the best, most elaborate description possible. Though before challenge is over, I could use a few critics about it

"The spires of heaven couldn't rival this," murmured Lontal.
Her eyes quested skyward as she marveled at what was before her. The landscape itself seemed to glow with the massive construction gleaming atop it. In short it was a castle, though the likes of which had never been seen before. Gargantuan white pillars tore themselves out of the earth to cling to the clouds. Walls that must easily stretch fifteen stories high enclosed a fairly small, neat town. A gate with guilded arches gleamed above the small merchant caravan as it entered the city. The gates being harbored by those arches were also a paragon amoung entrances. Gold entwined the solid portcullis like ivy up a vine. Lontal gazed in awe out of the back as it made it's way up the emmaculate streets.
"They say this castle was designed for the gods themselves" mentioned the driver helpfully. He was a short affair with a good deal more fat than wisdom about him. He was very similar to the rest of the populace nearby: helpful if a tad witless. His forehead gleamed cheerily as if from exertion, even though it was the shaggy ponies dragging the cart along.
"The castle was not built for protection like most around here. These people are supposed to be the most sacred in the world." The plump man made wild gestures at the grandeur around him. "This is all just to honor the gods. You haven't seen anything until you've seen the cathedral." He chuckled to himself in a way that was intended to make himself look knowledgeable, but fairly miserably. The cart rolled along the white, shining cobble stones and toward the center of the city. Unlike most cities, there was not the continual stench of unwashed bodies and street scum. What would pass for shacks here would be easily fit for nobles elsewhere. This was truly a privileged land.
Rounding a bend, the cathedral loomed. Lontal rubbed her eyes in a stupor, as the massive building rose from the grey swirls of mist in front of her. Mountains of windows depicting images of glory and power assaulted her vision. What seemed like millions of decorative statues, each painstakingly detailed and polished, lined every wall and filled every crevice of the gigantic building. Doors that were at least ten stories stood wide at the front, welcoming countless of pilgrims. Tens of thousands perhaps, as throngs clustered at the colossal doors. Even this awesome display of power paled in comparison to the giant symbols blazoned across the front. A huge and complex system of mirrors and prisms dominated the building. The end result: a huge spiral of pure light. The symbol was fascinating itself, with the main spiral gently curving into a myriad of different shapes. Untold multiples of colors shifted and magnified, making the air hum and glow with a near divine light. The particles of dust drifting through the air blazed with fire as they passed through the beams. Great fogs of burning particles colored the air around the plaza. You would have sworn that the sun was setting inside the great arches. Though if the sun desired a place to set somewhere, it couldn't find a more impressive place to rest if it tried.

Sugustions appreciated.

A Glass Thought · 05-01-2005, 02:42 AM

Chains,

It's pretty good. I highly suggest you run it through spellcheck and proofread a couple of times before considering it finished. Several mispelled words began to make it an eyesore.

Cathedral instead of Cathedrale. Marveled instead of Marvled. Prisms instead of prisoms. There are several others.

The discription itself was good. Everything detailed beautifully. But you wanted criticism, so here it is. There were several places where you could have had more detail. Yes, that's right, more. I am a fan of poetic discriptions and making a beautiful image with words, but there were parts where I think you described alot and then briefly mention something, and then move on to describing something else. You describe the driver, but what about his cart? You describe the great walls but give no mention as to the gate other than it's there. A gate to someplace that great has to be equally magnificent. Another is the statues, which are highly detailed and line the whole thing, but when you said detailed, I wondered if they were some kind of metal, or stone like that walls. these are little things, but that's what detail is: the little things. The only thing that really got to me was the spelling/grammar and the lack of a proper gate. But all that can be easily fixed to make for a good description of this magnificent place.

And try "He was very similar to the rest of the populace nearby: helpful, though a tad witless." instead of "He was very similar to the rest of the populance nearby, helpful if a tad witless"

ChainsOfTime · 05-01-2005, 03:48 PM

I know about spell check. I don't have one though, and I can't find one. It's really annoying. My computer came with a microsoft word, but that got deleted when a particularly nasty worm got inside my comp.

I would add more detail, but there is a max # of words. So I decided it was best to save the detail for what I thought would be the most impressive. I might be able to put in some more though...

Also, any idea where I could download a spell checker/microsoft word? Can't find any!

eggo · 05-01-2005, 10:37 PM

Hey Cot,

I kinda liked it, aside from the mistakes in spelling.

Quote:

He was a short affair with a good deal more fat than wisdom about him. He was very similar to the rest of the populance nearby, helpful if a tad witless. His forehead gleamed cheerily as if from exertion, even though it was the shaggy ponies dragging the cart along

Great description of the man.

Quote:

Great fogs of burning particles colored the air around the plaza. You would have sworn that the sun was setting inside the great arches. Though if the sun desired a place to set somewhere, it couldn't find a more impressive place to rest if it tried.

I loved this closer.

A few problems,

Quote:

Her eyes quested skyward as she marvled at what was before her

Of course she used her eyes. "She quested" is cleaner.

Quote:

The landscape itself seemed to glow with the massive construct gleaming atop it

Construct seems a bit akward here. " A massive constuction" would work better. Construct is usually something formed or constructed from parts like a temporary bridge or something makeshift.

Quote:

What would pass for shacks here would be easily fit for nobles elsewhere.

What would pass for shacks here, would be easily fit for nobles elsewhere.

Quote:

Thousand foot windows....welcoming thousands.....Tens of thousands....Thousands of colors

All these quotes are from the last paragraph. I'd change 'em up a bit.

You really do need something for spelling and grammar. Most people here won't read your work, if you can't fix the most blantant ones.

You can try
Spell Check

It's just a cut and paste spell check service till you find something a bit more permenent.

ChainsOfTime · 05-01-2005, 11:57 PM

Yay, a spell check!
Don't know why I never tried www.spellcheck.com, the simplest answer is usualy the best.
Unfortunatly, I won't have excuses for spelling errors now

I'll get right on to fixing the passage.

ChainsOfTime · 05-02-2005, 12:03 AM

This one i'm not sure I should change though on closer inspection.

--If I just say she quested, then it might sound like she was actualy going there, and she's not.

All the others seem good though.