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| Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words. |
04-29-2005, 04:26 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Mississippi@the moment.
Gender: Male
Posts: 132
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Lullaby
~*~
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05-02-2005, 12:37 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Aus.
Gender: Female
Posts: 269
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sweet nothings
You did not request a critic, so I'm not going to criticise your work. I am however going to say that you should get this published. What a beautiful little story you've concocted. It made me cry when he sang the lullaby  . Excellent. I have nothing else to say.  |
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05-02-2005, 11:56 AM
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#3
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 157
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Great job. Its a very touching story. I especially enjoyed your descriptions of their dream world. Very good.
__________________
When I have a brand new hairdo with my eyelashes all in curl, I float as the clouds on air do, I enjoy being a girl! When men say I'm cute and funny and my teeth aren't teeth but pearls, I just lap it up like honey, I enjoy being a girl!
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05-02-2005, 11:56 AM
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#4
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Addict
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 157
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Great job. Its a very touching story. I especially enjoyed your descriptions of their dream world. Very good.
__________________
When I have a brand new hairdo with my eyelashes all in curl, I float as the clouds on air do, I enjoy being a girl! When men say I'm cute and funny and my teeth aren't teeth but pearls, I just lap it up like honey, I enjoy being a girl!
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05-02-2005, 03:38 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,827
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I must agree this is a very touching story. You were able to make me feel the emotions he was going through, in a relatively short piece, you were able to make me feel connected to the character. I actually felt myself feeling bad for the guy when he rejected Linda.
Quote:
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He sang it for her, in a broken poor voice, no tune, but all feeling. It was a simple, silly song -- about rivers and love, and her and him, daughters and daddies and how the world kept rolling, and other silly nonsense that was so important. He sang it to her and remembered the beauty of her being born, and the joy he'd felt in holding her, and the power she had made him feel. And he remembered the pain as well, the realization that he and her mother were basically incompatible, the awful horrible truth that the best thing he could do was go away and send money and never ever let her forget him.
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My favorite paragraph. |
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05-02-2005, 04:35 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Mississippi@the moment.
Gender: Male
Posts: 132
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Thanks for the kind words, folks. I'm glad you enjoyed it.  |
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05-02-2005, 07:27 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: On board Legend, in the sea of Fiction
Posts: 453
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Maybe you could have her smell better than clean skin and apples?
Nice work though, painting an extremely clear picture of life, dreams, and strange reality. Very subtle and charming. Keep it up.
Horrorcrafter
__________________
Canadian Lynx are beautiful sensitive creatures which are very good mothers and they make a wide variety of sounds such as meows, purrs, cough-barks, growls, and screams like a woman. She is the next mammal to become extinct in North America largely because we waste so much paper. Please reduce, reuse, and recycle. Cheers, Horrorcrafter
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05-03-2005, 12:32 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Fergus, Ontario CA
Posts: 2,676
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good
Like the others, I was impressed with the piece. I especially liked the final paragraph. The way you shift in and out of the internal and the external gives it power.
I was disappointed by the Linda thing. You seem to set her up just to knock/put her down, and also make your narrator seem a bit--I don't know--off somehow. Her expression of her infatuation for him also seems a bit coincidental and perhaps out of character.
But hey. These aren't really criticisms. Life is not perfect. Look forward to more from you. Have you done anything else with the piece?
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