Heavy Silence - Writers Forum

A Glass Thought · 04-27-2005, 06:57 PM

Removed.

Chris Miller · 04-28-2005, 03:35 PM

Hey Glass,

Quote:

I can still see her, standing there amiss that sea of floating glass.

Present tense. "amiss" = "amid"

Quote:

I walked slowly across a vacont lot which was once a church, which was once a park, which was once a field.

Nice. But should be "walk". Stay in present tense.

Quote:

To hear what I hear would pray you to listen.

"pray" ?

In this one, your style reminds me a little of dannyboy's: flowing, repetitive. It establishes a rhythm more than a plot. I don't wonder what will happen next, because nothing is happening to begin with. It is like watching the ocean.

Be very careful not to drift into the past tense. You do this a fair bit.

A Glass Thought · 04-28-2005, 05:09 PM

Chris,

I used "pray" instead of "beg." I dunno, i think I read something where it used "pray" in that kind of context. I think it was Shakespeare.

About tensing, i'll be sure to go through and fix that.

This piece was written about what I felt when my girlfriend took me to visit her mother. saying it's like watching the ocean is a good way to describe it. I wasn't trying to tell the story so much as I was trying to capture the atmosphere.

I'll work on more stuff and get better at proofreading.

Thanks,
Glass

Chris Miller · 04-29-2005, 09:03 AM

"I would pray you listen," works. Cut the "to".

cassythevampy · 05-01-2005, 12:53 AM

I have liked this story. Yes it is like watching the ocean yet, a lot of people like doing that, I do. I related to this a lot. I liked it immensely despite its typos. By the way it goes really nicely with the song "Hotel California" by The Eagles.

Novicewriter · 05-01-2005, 01:01 AM

First of all I truly enjoyed the story...

Second, you need to double space inbetween paragraphs.... keep the paragraphs single-spaced, but double space when you start a new one.. I learned this VERY quickly when I first started posting.

I sat there reading this story, and it reminded me of my own life.

"When that bell tolls and our candle burns out,"....For some reason I liked that short piece of a sentence...it just spoke to me... and summed up everything in my life.

I enjoyed it, can't wait to read more.

NW

A Glass Thought · 05-01-2005, 02:06 AM

Chris,
Changed the pray part, what you think? I'll get around to the tensing and whatever other typos there are when I have time. Also, a part of me wants to make it longer, so I may go through and redo most of it. I just hope I can do it without destroying the whole thing.

Cass,
Thanks for reading, and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I understand there are errors and plan on getting to those once I finish what I'm working on right now.

Novice,
Thanks for enjoying. If you want to read something else I wrotet then just scroll downward in the Short Stories forum until you see it. Thanks for the tip on spacing.

johnjohndoe · 05-01-2005, 08:18 AM

well, there certainly are a lot of poetic images in this piece. in fact, it reads more like a poem than a short story:

"I can still hear her laugh, only in silence."

"I can still see her, standing there amiss that sea of floating glass."

surreal. nothing wrong with surreal.

i rather like this.

john. john doe.

Novicewriter · 05-01-2005, 10:05 AM

Glass....You are most certainly welcome. I will check out your other work when I get the chance.

NW

gohn67 · 05-01-2005, 03:07 PM

Not really my type of Story.
Though, it was well written, but like others have said this doesn't seem to go anywhere. Its more of an internal struggle in his mind. Which since you said that's what you were going for then I guess you were sucessful.

Small thing

Quote:

Not loud because it is hared to hear,

A Glass Thought · 05-02-2005, 08:17 PM

There! I went through and I think I've caught all of my mistakes. For those of you who have liked it so far, thanks for reading.

Glass

s.r. Wanderlust · 05-10-2005, 03:14 AM

Wow Glass,

This is hauntingly beautiful writing, ... exactly what I love to read. Wow. I'm speechless, (which doesn't happen often). It is more insightful and reflective than a simple story with a plot and climax, and perhaps that is where some others are having difficulty. It reminds me greatly of someone I know. The only thing I would change, aside from normal typo/grammar editing, is not parenthesizing "now wet with tears."

Thank you.
~*s.r. wanderlust

bluewhite · 05-17-2005, 08:13 PM

too long