Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Short Stories
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Short Stories Short Stories, usually between 500 and 2000 words.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 04-26-2005, 02:02 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Where U Think I'm At
Posts: 20
brokenWingz
Send a message via AIM to brokenWingz Send a message via MSN to brokenWingz Send a message via Yahoo to brokenWingz
Split

Split



Well, as I look upon this massacre all I can seem to think about is the clock ticking; (tick tock tick tock) it’s driving me insane. I see three bodies; it looked as if they were killed together or maybe at the same time, can’t really explain it. “Who am I, you ask? I’m Lock” (short for Sherlock I guess). Some people say I’m a reincarnation of him anyway, but I don’t know; I just do my job.” I’ve been looking for this killer, no, this one doesn’t deserve that title; he’s a Psychopathic Murdering Machine. He’s killed my friends, my wife, my daughter and even my dog. I’ve been on the hunt. He selects his victims in the strangest way, not by age, sex, or past transgressions, only if they knew or know me now. Soon everyone I know will die and he doesn’t even rape or touch the victims; it’s always just one cut, instant beheading. And you should know he’s smart; there’s no evidence pointing towards him. So soon after I leave the crime scene and go back to “The Pad” (slang for home) someone’s waiting for me. Oh it’s her, Lieutenant Haradon. She’s like the dick of the police squad (primarily because of the name). Why is she here? Humph I have no idea. “Lock!” Haradon yells. So like an idiot I say the first thing that pops in my head, “What do you want woman? Can’t you see I’m tired?” I look to the left and what do you know it looks like the whole police squad. “What do those bastards want?” Haradon points at me. “Why do they want me?” Then I passed out. I can’t remember what happened, but I do have a distinct feeling in my sphincter. Looks like Swali got to me, Somalian bastard. I was in a cell I guess, but the walls are bloody; I think maybe the blood is dried. I can’t explain this feeling, but being a detective, I just found one hell of a story. As I look around, I see people in other cells, but they look different; this must be like a government testing facility. Humph, I need to get out. Security looked real tight. I can only think of one way out. Nah, there’s no way this would work. I don’t even know why I’m trying but oh well, let’s do it, “uahh Oh my God! WTF?! (Abbreviation for what the Fu**) uahhhhhhh my heart!” The guard runs up and speaks in a funny accent, “Whaz goingz onz herez injmate?” He opens the cell door, and I hit him. (“Now if this would have happened in a short story or something I’d probably say it’s corny but it works. So kids when you’re locked up fake your death, okay? Ha I am a good role model.”) I take his key and like an idiot I examine the area making sure to be sneaky. This area is where they send really, really freakin’ crazy people. It looks as if they are being experimented on or something, so I look hard because I have no idea where I am, and then I run like hell. When I got outside, I realized like Toto and Alice that I’m not in Kansas anymore, well I think this is France. I walk for about three hours until I get tired, and then I take a break. I sit for a while until I realize someone’s behind me (“Hey cuz whacu doin in ma hood trikk?”) Being myself I say “what the hell did you just say?” And all I saw was a fist. When I awoke I saw his body lying there with no head, just like all the other kills. That’s when I realized it. I got up and ran like hell until I saw a car. I saw the plates said Missouri; as you can guess, I stole it, and I drove out the hoods of STL quickly. Then I realized everything that happened, all my research; all the crime scenes were for naught because…

There was a car accident on TV, and the volume was really loud (as he sliced another victims head off). Lieutenant Haradon was screaming, “you you look just,” and he beheaded her. The last words the Lieutenant heard were, “If I can’t have him, no one will have him ever”…
__________________
brokenWingz may be an fallen angel or an immortal but my wordz last eternal
brokenWingz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2005, 02:35 PM   #2
DJ
Scribe
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 49
DJ
Send a message via MSN to DJ Send a message via Yahoo to DJ
Well, I've never read something like this before I guess I could say.

One way to keep more readers attention though would be to make this into more paragraphs. Each time a new character is talking a different paragraph should begin. Just looking at it, makes it look clustered and someone wouldn't just want to sit there and read the whole thing even though I did.

There are a few questions which were never answered which sometimes can be a good thing because it keeps the reader wanting more? Never revealing who the killer was is a way to make the reader yearn for more.

But in the beginning you mention the clock ticking and it driving him insane. Why was he running out of time? Did he feel as if he was running out of time to catch the killer? Did he think someone was after him?

Try to be a little more descriptive in your writing so the reader will get a better visual.

I really enjoyed your phrases in parentheses. Reminded me of the old detective shows where they'll start talking and then a voiceover will tell what they're thinking.

Another little nit-picking, Alice was never in Kansas or Oz. It was Dorothy who said "Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," or something along those lines.

In his escape from the "insane asylum" describe his actions more. Was there only one guard watching over these people. Did he just find an exit sign and run out? Did he have to sneak out?

I will say that this is a good start. Just continue with it and fix it a little.
DJ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2005, 10:55 AM   #3
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Where U Think I'm At
Posts: 20
brokenWingz
Send a message via AIM to brokenWingz Send a message via MSN to brokenWingz Send a message via Yahoo to brokenWingz
thank you I take it as a big compliment but this is only the rough draft the story was supposed to be a novel but I made it a short story. Also I wasn't descriptive enough you're right and also I was thinking alice in wonderland sorry i'll have it fixed in no time and ill post it again
__________________
brokenWingz may be an fallen angel or an immortal but my wordz last eternal
brokenWingz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2005, 11:49 AM   #4
DJ
Scribe
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Georgia
Posts: 49
DJ
Send a message via MSN to DJ Send a message via Yahoo to DJ
Well I look forward to reading it. After reading this Im sort of interested in it now.
DJ is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:17 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers