Hey Eggo,
The story started off intrigueing when his assignment is told to him. I liked the premise.
The scene when he talks to Gloria is interesting and well down. It made me believe that the father had a reason to kidnap her.
I like learning that the girl wasn't captured and that he father died and that was the reason. I also liked how it made the mother look like the bad parent. I liked that aspect alot.
It gets kind of shaky after that.
I don't understand why he goes to the bar. There wasn't much of a point for him to go. And how he meets the cop who tells him valuable info is too coincidental.
Last thing is the mystery was solved too easily. The first place he tries and he finds the girl
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“ Bad move. Her father is the one who broke the law. Prosecuting Linda Wells would gain nothing except widening a rift between you and your daughter”
“ Maybe you are right.” I saw the wave of different emotions run across her face. “ Thank you Mister Herbert , I’ll have my lawyers send you your fee”
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Here, I just feel the mother changes her mind way too easily.
Some other more minor things I noticed.
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“ Yes, won’t you come in” I was led into a living room decorated in a nu veau style and sat on a chair. The chair was as beautiful as it was uncomfortable.
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Whose talking here. The way it is laid out, at first I thought it was Mason speaking. Its actually the mother. To avoid confusion make a new paragraph for that. A general rule is that you should make a new paragraph whenever the action after the dialogue is not of the speakers.
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Cruising along interstate 93 the flat lands give way to the hills and then the mountains, I let Carl drive.
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I guess this just my preference but I think it would read more smoothly if you took out the "the"s before hill and mountain.
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We pulled into Coyote Creek after leaving the sanctuary of route 93.
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I'm not sure sanctuary is the right word here. The definition didn't seem to fit for a freeway.
http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sanctuary
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I got out of the car and found the front door of the den. I walked into the bar and was surveyed by the local denizens. I walked and sat down at the bar.
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Reword this paragraph. You can probably consolidate these sentences into two or one sentence
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The leader in this bar was called Murp
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Does Mason know Murphy? Has he met him before? It doesn't seem like he does, so those this seems to be out of his POV. But I guess it is past tense, so he should know about this already, I guess... Now I'm confused.
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He dropped into a fighters stance and threw a hard overhand right. Many people when they get into a fight look for a quick hard right to end it as quick as possible. Ironic when he had started it.
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I dont understand how the last sentence fits with the other sentences of this paragraph.
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Carl guided his right by grabbing his wrist with our left and pulling. He planted our left foot with our hiking boots on the top of his right foot, I heard a nice crackle . Then a quick overhand right into the nose was greeted by a another crunch and he went down like a ton of bricks.
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The first setence I am assuming Carl is grabbing the other guys wrist, and not his own because thats what I assumed at first. Took me a couple reads to figure that out. Same thing with the rest of the paragaph.
I think you have to call him Murphy.
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He was cruiser weight champion in New England .
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This makes me think that he is a small guy or average size. Isn't cruiser wieght like only 130-160 or something. That makes the man seem less imposing.
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The house was a withered garrison set atop a hill. An apple orchard surrounded the house. The trees just showing their first buds set in rows like sentinels defending the house.
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You use "house" too much here
