My First: "Sudden End" - Writers Forum

Journey · 04-25-2005, 05:42 PM

This is my first short story. It is really a mini short story. So tell me what you think. I know it is sappy but hey it is a good start.

Sudden End

The bell rang, School was out. Relieved he walked to his locker going over the long list of homework he had to do in his head.
"Hey Greg!" a voice called out to him from among the many faces that crowded the hall. He knew instantly who it belonged too. It was his love, the one perfect person. She was everything to him, she was his world.
"Hey Monique!" He said spotting her among the croud. She walked towards him, she walked with an almost spiritual grace. She usually had a aura of great optimism and energy about her. But today, there was something different, something he could not know.
She walked to him and leaned against the lockers her long brunette hair falling to one shoulder. Greg exchanged his books from bookbag to locker and visa versa.
"What's up my dear? You seem a bit saddened." Greg leaned over and kissed her cheek, then went back to his book exchange as he waited for an answer.
"Well I have something I need to tell you. It has been on my mind for a while now," Monique began but Greg interupted.
"You have seemed a bit distant lately. Oh My Gosh! You're not really a man are you!" Greg exclaimed with comic exaspiration.
She gave a faint smile and looked away.
"I'm sorry, I was just trying to lighten the mood," Greg said putting his hand on her shoulder.
"I'm serious Greg!" She turned back to him her large blue eyes beginning to fill with tears. "My father..." she hesitated, "My fathers job transfered him to Colorodo. So we will be having to move away,:
"Greg stared into her eyes his heart beginning to tear praying to God this was just a joke.
"When...when are you leaving?" He asked
She sighed. "Tommorow," She said, tears beginning to run down her face.
"What! How? When did you find out?" He questioned as his world slowly began to fall to pieces around him.
"I found out a week ago. I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you, I really did. I just, didn't know how. And now I'm running out of time. We leave for the airport tonight. I just didn't want to say goodbye in hopes maybe that would make it go away. Hopeing maybe it was a big mistake. I'm sorry."
"So that's it. You leave tonight... and I will never se eyou again...How could you do this! I love you Monique! How can you be leaving."
"Monique reached and touched his face with her finger tips, her soft palm embracing his cheek. She wiped away a tear that had begun to glide down his face.
"I'm sorry, Goodbye...Greg." She began to cry.
Before Greg could think of something to say, Monique turned and ran down the hall and out the open doors.
"Goodbye" Greg said as Monique dissapeared into the sunlight on the otherside of the doors. The passers-by began to whisper amongst themselve. Greg stood there. He cried.

Fin

So what you think? I know sappy but leave your opinion anyway.

Journey · 04-25-2005, 05:59 PM

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it. I can see what you mean about the punctuation and lack of character. I will work on it in my next writing.

-Journey

Journey · 04-25-2005, 06:17 PM

Thats a good idea. I think I may do that. Save my story and just save it after each revision. Awsome I'm going to do that. Thanks for the idea.

Hehe thanks for the compliment to. I am normally a poetry person, but I decided to experiment with other forms of writing and wrote that.

Rico · 04-26-2005, 11:35 AM

Hey Journey. Have to agree with miawriter here, it is cliched and rather sappy, as you yourself admit. Even for me, a lot of grammar and spelling issues jumped out. I do wish you good luck on revision and rewriting and will read it again if it is reposted.

Rico

Chris Miller · 04-26-2005, 01:00 PM

I also agree with miawriter.

It is a good first attempt. Please don't be discouraged by criticism.

The story needs a plot. There is no tension in it. I find it melodramatic. Don't try to wrench emotion from me. Reading one's own work is not like reading the work of others. It is much more consuming. Try reading your stuff with a radio on loud in the background or with something else distracting you. It will be much less enjoyable, but you will be more objective. (This is a technique I have just discovered.)

Your prose is not terrible. Let me give you some specific editorial feedback.

Quote:

Relieved he walked to his locker going over the long list of homework he had to do in his head.

This reads like he has to do the homework in his head.

How about "Relieved, he walked to his locker, going over in his head the long list of homework he had to do." This is awkward too. It could be better.

Ill let you find the obvious mistakes in some of the following:

Quote:

He knew instantly who it belonged too.

Quote:

"Hey Monique!" He said spotting her among the croud.

"he said, " "in" "crowd"

Quote:

"You have seemed a bit distant lately. Oh My Gosh! You're not really a man are you!" Greg exclaimed with comic exaspiration.

Just "Greg said." It is a mistake to tell us this is supposed to be funny--even if it is a little--especially if it is. And I can see that he exclaimed it "!"

Quote:

She turned back to him her large blue eyes beginning to fill with tears.

"him, her" I won't point out every missing comma fault. There are tons.

Quote:

...as his world slowly began to fall to pieces around him.

dreadfully cliche

Is this a true story?

Journey · 04-26-2005, 04:50 PM

Thanks for the feedback

I'm a writer I can't be perfect the first try so I understand criticism. Its healthy. No writer can go anywhere without it. So I'm not disscouraged or upset about it, so no worries there. ^_^

And addressing the question on whether it was a true story.
No its not a true story, it is an exercise from a Fiction Writing Book I'm reading.

Thanks for the help, I'm going to revise it and post the revision later on.

-Journey
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