desired_destiny

Escaping the Birdcage

His fragile, scrawny body stumbled over piles of glistening snow. Danielle, a gregarious, redheaded girl trudged after him, quickening her pace. Glancing back, a trickle of movement caught his attention. The movement was her. She had frantically plunged behind a pile of snow, hoping his innocent, pale blue eyes would not see her. She wished to follow him in secrecy.

Apparently he thought nothing of the movement, for he continued his trek. Slowly, she rose, never letting him escape her eye.

Hand in hand with the surrounding darkness, wind furiously froze Danielle’s body, signaling her to end her pursuit. Never did she encounter fierce danger. Her mother forbade risk taking, which she accepted without argument. Yet, the strangeness of the boy brought about her curiosity. More importantly, her mother was gone this weekend, leaving the house to Danielle.

She hid among various plants, not granting the boy a glimpse of me. Only did she reveal herself when he had journeyed into her neighboring woods. She followed him into the body of trees.

Pushing away branches, stomping dangerous plants, and tripping over Mother Nature’s creations dramatically decreased her speed. Before long she lost sight of the troubled youth.

Fatigue engulfed the girl, causing her eyelids to rest before her body did. Leaves served as her blanket, providing little warmth. She lost a battle against consciousness, quickly falling asleep beside a dying tree.

***
Yards away stood the boy, power and intelligence swarming inside him. One final step of his plan needed fulfilling. A smirk sharply formed across his face, prophesizing his plan would be fulfilled. His vision roamed past many trees, searching for the unaware girl. Upon finding her, he locked his eyes on her eyes, delighted to see them closed.

***
She found herself beneath a vast, black sky, wondering why she was not laying in bed, wakening to a sweet tune from the radio. She did, however, appreciate a sky-wandering bird who sung makeshift songs. Memory flooded to her brain and then to her tongue, “The boy,” she squawked, her blank expression diminishing.

Without thought, she bent her knees, attempting to stand, but was thoroughly surprised when she discovered her hands and feet had been tied together. A tear of hopeless despair curved around her nose. She shut her eyes, and then opened them, only to be greeted by the boy’s sinister, pale blue eyes.

“I suppose I should introduce myself,” he spoke slyly, “My name is Anthony,” he thrust a hand forward.

“How am I supposed to shake it?” she spat. Remembering how frightened Anthony first looked made her wish she could strangle her words before they reached his ears.

He ignored her rude comment, “The confusion on your face-- it’s because of me, isn’t it?”

Danielle nodded, ready to consume a simple explanation.

“After considering numerous candidates, I discovered you best suited a very important role,” he sounded very business-like, “Your kindness caught my attention. You are well known for it. Yet, I could not ask you for such a demanding favor, for you are also well known for your stubbornness.

“Therefore, I tricked you. I took the characteristics of a lost, frightened person. If you have not already noticed, I am exactly the opposite.”

“What are you-- some crazy lunatic?” Danielle snapped.

“I may be close to insanity… but no, I am your fr-” He stopped talking in the middle of a word.

“My what?”

“Nothing. Never mind that,” the words sharply flew from his tongue, “As I was saying, I lured you. Now that you’re here, I must ask you for the favor. I want you to accompany me. I want you to be my partner. I want you to be my sidekick.”

“What if I don’t want to?” her teenage attitude emerged from within.

Glancing at the rope tethered around her hands and feet he said, “Looks like you have no choice.”

They trudged through the woods: prisoner and the imprisoned. Danielle’s hands remained bound, but Anthony untied her feet so she could travel. She had little a clue as to where she was going. Not once had she bothered to explore her surroundings.

Gloomily, she trailed behind a confident Anthony. Only a clever scheme could save her of his doings. She longed to know his plans. For all she knew, he could have a mental illness of some sort. As before, curiosity influenced her judgment.

The dense wood parted, revealing a clearing home to a deep, murky pond. Waves chased a carefree goldfish rising to the surface, only to be eaten by a raccoon. Danielle shuddered.

Anthony’s feeble arms untied her hands, which she stretched, grasping the fluttering air, “Finally! What are we doing?”

“Having fun,” he breathed, “Isn’t that what friends do?”

Friend. She realized friend was the word he had avoided using. She realized friend was the role Anthony spoke of. She realized he needed her. She realized how lonely he was. Above all, she realized a heart lived beneath his flesh.

Isn’t if funny how one word can create such powerful realizations?

Without warning, Anthony removed his worn, button-down shirt, using overgrown fingernails to separate the buttons. Wading through the water, his pale skin contrasted each polluted splash.

Danielle shouted, confused and worried, “What are you doing? How can you enjoy yourself in that icky pond?”

“Simple. I laugh and smile, knowing I have a friend,” he replied, releasing a hearty chuckle.

She perched herself upon one of many textured rocks bordering the water, almost certain Anthony should be locked up. However, his complex character fascinated the girl. She wished to know about him, his family, and so much more, but was afraid to question him.

His oddities frightened Danielle. She had not paid any attention to his qualities, but let his differences form her opinion. She admitted this to herself and no one else.

Gathering her courage, she asked, “How come you don’t have any friends?” Astounded by the amount of rudeness in her words, she glanced down, hoping her eyelids could shield his anger.

“Well,” he said, solemn, “I suppose it’s because of what I’m not. I’m not strong. I’m not social. I’M NOT NORMAL!” he shouted, waiting for his echoes to die.

“Oh,” she murmured, uncertain how to respond.

“But it no longer matters. You’re kind to me. You accepted me.”

Flattered, she replied, “I really haven’t been kind to you. Maybe I tolerated you, but you deserve a real friend. Besides, you cannot force a friendship. If someone doesn’t want to be your friend, you must accept it!”

“I-I” he knew she was right. He knew it all along, but was afraid of being wrong. After spending so many hours plotting, his well thought plan could not be foolish-- could it?

Thinking nothing of his stammering, Danielle continued, “I have to go home now. You must let me be free. I need to fly like the birds!”

While traveling, she had devised a plan to escape. It was a silly plan, but a plan, nonetheless.

“I’m so sorry, but I must do this,” she sighed.

With that, Danielle plunged her feet into the water, feeling a surge of bubbles shoot past her toes, and pushed the water upward, sending a great deal of water across Anthony’s face. He was momentarily distracted.

The bewildered girl bolted upright, and let her legs take her home. Her body proved out of shape, for he was not far behind. Quickly, her stamina diminished. Reaching the wood’s end, she darted home. Every once in a while, Anthony leapt toward her, attempting to grab her foot.
If she did not escape, what would happen to her? What would happen to Anthony? It was for the best if she left, because he needed to learn to make friends the right way.

Swift and quick, Anthony prodded ahead. Sweat descended down his forehead, twisting about his face.

Coming into view, Danielle’s house appeared glorious and heroic, yet the average person would find it disgusting and worn. She climbed the porch steps, hearing screams depart Anthony’s lips.

The door was opening. Her heart seemed to be cart wheeling as she jumped inside and shut the door behind herself.

***

That afternoon, relieved but worried, Danielle stared outside her window. Everything appeared strangely familiar, as if she was recalling a dream. Tree branches danced in the strengthening wind. Every now and then an animal scurried past shrubbery. However, what truly caught her attention was a boy her age, sitting cross-legged beside a house next door. It was Anthony.

Repeatedly, he threw his head back, gazing at a birdfeeder balancing atop a metal pole. Something was moving quickly inside the birdfeeder, but she could not make it out. He stood, grasping a birdcage. Reluctantly, he set it down. Twice, his innocent, pale blue eyes looked in Danielle’s direction.

He placed his hands on either side of the birdfeeder lid and opened it. A cardinal emerged from the feeder, flying freely about the canopy of trees.

__________________
Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.

TheUberManlyMan

This was an interesting read. I almost liked it, so I have a few suggestions, big and small, to hopefully make it as good as it could be.

I have a lot to say about this first paragraph. The narrative voice didn't seem to work well with what was going on. "A trickle of movement caught his attention" would usually be used to introduce something new, but we as readers already know that it's Daniella. Then, when you tell us again that "the movement was her," it was repetetive, and it also confused me because I thought that maybe I missed something. I think that this problem is mostly a result of trying to write from two differents perspectives too close together. I would suggest picking one of the characters, probably Daniella, and sticking with her for at least the whole paragraph.

This should either be "She had never encountered fierece danger" or "Never before had she encountered fierce danger." That sentence was a bit awkward.

I think you meant "her" instead of "me." Also, this paragraph as a whole was confusing to me. The "hiding behind plants" image didn't quite work for me, and it didn't seem like she revealed herself even when he went into the woods. Maybe she walked normally then, but it didn't sound like he saw her.

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say about this paragraph. On the one hand, it seems like "dangerous plants" and "Mother Nature's creations" should be reworked because one feels like a bad thing and the other feels good. Then again, it may be a good thing if you're trying to show that there are plants of all kinds. I dunno. You can decide what works best.

At the beginning, I wondered about "innocent blue eyes," especially when we first see the story from his perspective, but it all made sense when you used "sinister blue eyes." I liked that a lot.

I had to read this sentence a few times to get it. Maybe if you added "how frightened Anthony looked when she first saw him" it would be easier to understand.

I'm pretty sure "prisoner" and "imprisoned" mean about the same thing. But now that I think about, what do you call someone who's imprisoning another? I can't think of it now. How annoying.

I wasn't entirely satisfied with Anthony's characterization. In the first part, he's a cold, ruthless, slavedriver sort of person. He is, as you said, "business-like." But later on, he is a carefree guy who just wants a friend and who can enjoy himself while wading through a disgusting pond. I found the change hard to believe with just what you gave me. A little bit of a description of his change would help a lot. Maybe a few lines about how as they went deeper into the woods, he seemed to become friendlier because of their seclusion. Something like that.

First off, I don't think "qualities" is quite the right word. I think you meant to say that she cared more about his "bad" traits instead of his "good" traits. To me, qualities are just another word for traits. Maybe just changing it to "good qualities" would be sufficient. And I didn't like that last sentence too much. The way I see it, there really isn't a reason to keep that hidden. Plus, there's nobody she could have admitted it to anyways.

Little fix here. The way you have this written, he was shouting as he was waiting for the echoes to die, which makes no sense.

This part felt a bit weak. Considering how crazily he's acting, it'd odd that his beliefs would be so unstable. It would help to expand on this a bit, maybe show his train of thought some.

That last sentence could be a lot better, I think. Maybe show a bird flying, and she could refer to that bird and say that it wouldn't be happy if it was caged up (?) That line just didn't feel like something she'd say.

You could definately describe this better. My mental image was that bubble of water that goes "bloop" when you push your foot into the water, which wouldn't splash in somebody else's face. I'd suggest having her kick the water into his face (her hands are still tied, right?) and maybe get some nasty pond slime in his eyes.

Seeing as the boy is much more bewildered than the girl is, I'd suggest a different choice of words.

Her foot seems like an awkward thing to grab for. Maybe hair?

I think this sentence would read better if you switched the order of the description. "Coming into view, Danielle's ordinarily disgusting and worn house appeared glorious and heroic." That way you're not ending on a sour note.

The ending was nice

As a general comment, I'd ask you to relook your adjectives. You use a lot of them, and sometimes they put a spin on the meanig that's a little bit off. Your writing style is perfect for experimenting with denotation and connotation. As an example, F. Scott Fitzgerald spend enormous amounts of time making each of his words perfect, so that they convey just the right feeling. Sometimes your word choice felt a bit careless, and some thought about it could make your story better. It's a subtle thing, but it does make a difference.

Good luck with this, and all future writings. I hope my comments helped and weren't too lengthy .

__________________
"And that's all I have to say about that"
- Forrest Gump

desired_destiny

Thanks for your help.

__________________
Words have no wings but they can fly a thousand miles.