Out of context, and being put into some random scene. It just doesnt work for me. Also its a really short excerpt that its hard to tell if I like it or not.
A few things that made this read less enjoyable, than it could have been.
I am not trying to be mean. You seem like a person who want to get good at writing, thats the only reason I am pointing these things out to you. Technical things are easy to fix and learn, so don't be discouraged. To me its all about having a good story idea to work with.
Quote:
|
“Son! Did you not hear me the first time?!” the man/black bag shouted as he stood up “I’m gonna gut you, do you get me son?! B’cos you were too stupid not to fall on me again! Not to hard a task, ken?!”
|
I didn't get the sense that Sean fell on this person or talking bag, whatever it is.
What is man/black bag?
I don't get it, really. He has to be one or the other. He can't be both at least thats how I see it.
Quote:
|
Walking towards it with a vicious look on his face, Sean suddenly tripped and found himself once more on the dirty old floor.
|
You need a comma there or else the sentence gets confusing. At first I thought Sean was making the face. Also you used "his", when you used "it" previously. Would be clearer if you used "it's"
Quote:
|
He turned around to the direction in which he had been going to see a dog staring at him.
|
Kind of clunky.
